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Why Can’t You Just Behave?

by Paul R. on April 24th, 2012 in Students

One reason porn is harmless is that it doesn’t cross over into our everyday lives. You can simply spend a few hours isolated from human contact (your own doesn’t count) and stop whenever you like, returning to spend some good quality time with your girl or boyfriend, completely unaffected by watching strangers have sex.



If anything, porn intrudes into most areas of our life, unfortunately often invited.

Slowly but surely, how you view sex and how you view people will be greatly affected by your porn habit. You might not notice it at first but gradually the line will be blurred until eventually you don’t even recognize yourself.

So how does porn affect our sexual behavior and relationships exactly?

You will read it and hear about it a lot here at xxxchurch but it’s so true; porn is not real. So if we are taking what you see on a screen to be how it really is, you will be hugely disappointed. You will start to view all women and/ or men through a porn lens. This is the simplest manner in which porn affects our behavior. For as long as you expect women to be a toy that men can do what they like with, you will become disillusioned with what is real.

So your girlfriend won’t be putting out enough for you. Or your boyfriend’s slight belly will not compare to the ripped six packed males of porn. Or your girlfriend will actually want to talk to you about stuff that matters and it will bug the heck out of you.

Porn is not real, so when real life gets going, you won’t be prepared for it.

The ironic thing about porn is that instead of making you want to be intimate with your partner, it actually drives you away from them. You have an image in your head of what a girl should look like and no matter how pretty your girlfriend is, no matter how comfortable they are in their own skin, you won’t desire them. You won’t want to hold their hand. You may even become embarrassed of them. All because they don’t live up to your idea of what a women should look like.

This is called objectification. Maybe you didn’t see it like that but that is what it is. You think that women are meant to look one way and when they don’t, you turn back to your ideal image through porn. This is objectifying not only to the people you see in porn but to your boy or girlfriend.

But this doesn’t just affect your behavior with your other half; it affects all your relationships. From your best friends to strangers. You will become more dissatisfied with your friends that you will withdraw from them. You will feel insecure, low and down about who you are. You will withdraw from God because you don’t think He hears you. You will say one minute that you are done with porn only to look the next. You will lie to yourself and others. You will try to be happy when around others, only to feel guilty when you are on your own.

And all these behaviors are unfair to two people.

The people you interact with and yourself.

Your behaviors will increasingly be in isolation. You will be robbing the world of the person that the world deserves to see. That it needs to see. That would make the world better for it.

The underlying issue is that porn changes how you think and how you see the world.

And in turn how you behave. Changing you into a person that can’t live in healthy, fun and rewarding relationships.

Porn is not real.

And when you keep turning to it, slowly it’s almost like you aren’t either.





  • Dude

    If I watch professional sports on television, will that cause me to no longer enjoy playing that sport with my friends? 

    If I watch professional wrestling, will I try to do the pile driver or clothes line on people?

    If I read Motor Trend magazine will that make me reject my current means of transportation?

    Are these fair comparisons or no ?

  • Smitajake

    No your getting it wrong man
    Beating it is emotional no matter what u do ,or relize it or not ..sports are not emotional .see what im saying ???

    • Dude

      You didn’t really make much sense. Try again and take your time.

    • Suriburd

      Sports are not emotional? Clearly you’ve never known a sports fan. Even just spectating is emotional to someone invested in the game.

  • Suriburd

    The idea that porn can cause unrealistic expectations if attractiveness is plausible, but once you started claiming that porn will stop you wanting friends it just sounds like baseless scaremongering.

    Maybe you would feel insecure, but I don’t.

  • Disciple

    Dude, in response, NO.  Your analogies present a false reductio ad absurdum.  Watching sports or wrestling or reading Motor Trend will not make you an ultraviolent sadist or lead you to commit grand theft auto. Use your brain–I’m serious–grow up.  In fact, the consequences you cite are more like the perversion of the innocent action of these activities.  Viewing a wholesome fight in a refereed, voluntary competition like UFC or wrestling is a lot more like sex in a marriage refereed by Christ (don’t take that too literally).  In both cases you’re enjoying a good thing as the maker intended it to be enjoyed. Porn is a perversion of sex. You beating up on a small child is a perversion of a good fight. Sex and violence can both be destructive, creative, powerful, beautiful and done right or wrong.  Sex is for pleasure and creating life and emotional binding of one man to one woman.  Fights are for defending the defenseless.  I hope you figure out how to put things in their proper place.  I hope you learn to love Jesus and defend women rather than use them for your own pleasure disconnected from the joys of family and children–BEFORE YOU HAVE THEM.  Otherwise you will ruin them.

    • Dude

      Professional Wrestling is a caricature, an exaggeration of the real art of wrestling, just like porn is often an exaggeration of sexual relations (You said its a perversion of sex to which I would say only some is). Just because I watch the crazy antics in Pro-wrestling doesn’t mean I’m going to try those things against others, nor will it make me no longer want to wrestle my brother out in the yard for the fun of it. These anti-porn writers claim such things happen by watching porn. They claim that we’re so stupid, we think porn is how it’s too be done. They claim that we’re so lazy and shallow, we would rather watch porn than have sex with our partner. Only a minority of men will say that they’d rather have porn than sex; most want the real thing– that’s why they look at porn.. duh.

      They claim that watching porn will make one no longer want his spouse and like I said that’s as absurd as suggesting that if I read about cars in a magazine, I won’t want my own car to drive anymore. I like all sorts of cars, including the one I drive. 

      Count me immature and I already have two well-adjusted loving daughters, btw.

      • God’s Advocate

        I understand your points, and they are not immature.

        If I watch a football game, I can still enjoy playing football.  Likewise, if I watch porn, I can still enjoy sex with my wife.

        I think the more important issue might be that we’re asking ‘Am I getting the most enjoyment out of sex?’ rather than ‘Is this right with God?’

        Am I using my body in the way God intended it when I’m watching porn?  Am I using my mind in the way God intended it when I’m enjoying porn?

        Your questions are not wrong, but I do hope that if the Lord were to present Himself to us tomorrow, that we might not waste the opportunity by presenting analogies that seem to justify actions that we know he would not approve of.  Especially being that most of the ‘rules’ are for our own sake.

      • Person

         My husband preferred porn to having real sex….we were 19, newly married, I’m 5’6″, 120 lbs.  But he still didn’t want anything to do with me.  He’d say no, and I’d wake up to see him in the living room with the computer logged onto some porn. We’ve had years of counseling now.  It isn’t a minority of men that prefer porn to the real thing, they want the fantasy.  So some of us, no matter how we look…can’t live up to the fantasy in someone else’s mind.  

        I also struggled with porn addiction so I understand the other side as well.  I wasn’t as satisfied with my husband or his appearance.  I had my own ideas too.  And I also withdrew from physical intimacy.  Porn affects everyone differently, but I think it affects us all negatively.  

        • Dude

          Sorry to hear about your husband’s sin of marital neglect. I forgot to mention that factor in my post… I think the percentage in surveys is about 20-25% of men prefer P/M to actual sex. In my opinion, they truly need help. I think this problem is on the rise now that most guys of marital age are likely addicted to porn, esp. if they’re religious or shy. Never marry a porn addict. If a guy has low resistance to porn or similar things, that is a big red flag of warning against the marriage. 

          I would still say its definitely the minority of men that prefer porn over sex, but sadly probably half of young men are either porn addicts or heavy users, and nearly all of them (and about half the girls–my guess) look at it occasionally. 

          Its not about you having to live up to a fantasy, unless that’s what he’s told you. Its just a lot easier, no emotional hassles or stress… not that there would normally be any, but its like fast food, cheap and convenient, plus there is lots of variety. God expects us to always be there sexually for our partners, and its is considered sinful in both the Old and New testaments to neglect your spouse sexually.

          It was good of you to be honest and own up to your faults as well. I hope that the two of you can put your love for each other ahead of your disappointments in each other. I hope you can recommit yourselves to God and to doing the right thing. It sounds to me like your husband may have realized that you weren’t pleased with him and rather than work it out together, he may have just became discouraged and withdrawn instead. 

          Was there a time in your marriage when the sex was great and these problems didn’t exist? Have you shared your porn with each other? Is he ashamed of his behavior or do you criticize him for it? 

          • Person

            He told me part of it was fantasy and he did use the word “variety” in there too.  He had started viewing porn only 1 year before we started dating.  But he was hooked from then on.  I didn’t realize he was looking at porn (or addicted) until literally the day before we were married. I should have still postponed the wedding, but I was thinking about our families…

            I had worked through my addiction and hadn’t engaged in porn for years… about 5 years.  I wasn’t critical of him (since I understood the nature of addiction), I was supportive but firm that something needed to be done about it.  I wasn’t displeased with my husband, until his addiction grew almost immediately after we were married.  I told him about my history with porn, encouraged getting counseling (both separate and together), and learning how to communicate with each other.

            Sex was great the 1st month of married, then he was back to porn. I turned back to porn after I felt rejected and depressed from trying to appeal to him. I just grieved and scrolled by myself.

            We never shared porn with each other… never engaged in it as a couple.

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