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3 Ways Porn Destroyed Sex In My Marriage

by Stephen Kuhn on September 24th, 2014 in The Haps

3-ways-porn-destroyed-sex-in-my-marriageOne of the lies I often hear is that pornography can be a helpful tool to spice up your sex life—especially in a monogamous relationship like marriage. After all, if you’re getting tired of the same meal, shouldn’t you pick up a cookbook for some extra inspiration?

This logic breaks down though, when you realize the purpose of sex (unlike food) goes much deeper than to merely satisfy physical desires. (Tweet This!) The purpose of sex is to bring you and your spouse together in a way that unites your entire selves together; not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

But what happens if you allow pornography to influence your marriage bed?
I tried.
It completely destroyed our connection.

1. Porn blocked us from connecting physically.

Every time my wife and I came together physically, I felt immense shame. The guilt from my hidden porn addiction had penetrated my heart to the point where something which God created as good had become distorted in my mind into something that felt dirty. I could no longer distinguish the redeemed, holy intimacy between me and my wife from the sinful parts of my sexuality.

Because of my shame, we often went months at a time without having sex. I would desire to be close to her and would flirt with her regularly, but once we ended up in the bedroom, my shame would take over and I would find excuses to pull away.

She often asked me why I didn’t want to be with her, but because I wasn’t willing to admit I knew what the problem was, she assumed there must have been something wrong with her. After all, it was only natural for her to blame herself in the absence of any real answer from me.

Eventually, she stopped pursuing me altogether. The fear of being rejected once again had become too much for her to bear.

2. Porn blocked us from connecting emotionally.

In order to keep my addiction hidden from my wife, I had to pretend to be a perfected version of myself around her—a version of me without a porn addiction. As a result, no matter how much my wife tried to love me, I knew deep down she wasn’t loving the real me—she was offering her love to this fake version of me that didn’t actually exist.

Instead of being drawn to her emotionally, the real me felt constant rejection—not because she wasn’t trying to love me, but because I didn’t trust her enough to let her in emotionally. This false sense of rejection only added to my shame, causing me to pull away from her even more.

Meanwhile, I was convinced the only women who did love the real me were the women on the screen. After all, they knew the truth about my porn addiction and yet still wanted to be with me. The most sinister thing about this false belief was it caused me to crave the affection of pornography more than the affection of my wife. Over time, it became easier, safer, and more convenient for me to get my “needs” met at the computer than to risk connecting with a wife whom I feared wouldn’t love me back.

3. Porn blocked us from connecting spiritually.

When you engage in sexual activity with another person, your souls unite and you “become one” (1 Corinthians 6:18). God’s plan has always been for this to be an integral part of marriage, resulting in a beautiful unity between the husband and wife. This is why you likely still feel a strong connection to each of your past sexual partners—even if you have not seen them in years—and why you can still remember sexually charged images you saw months or even years ago.

Each time this bond is created between two people outside of marriage (and this includes pornography) it dilutes the original bond. So instead of being united solely to your spouse, you become united with countless others as well.

My spirit had become united with so many others as a result of my addiction that I could no longer come together with my wife without thinking about them. These spiritual bonds would hijack my mind, pulling my thoughts away from her no matter how hard I tried to control them. She clearly sensed my distraction and would frequently comment on how distant I seemed. What should have drawn us closer spiritually had become so polluted by my sin that it began pulling us farther apart instead.

If your marriage looks anything like mine did, I would encourage you to get help as soon as possible. Join an X3Group. Go to a trusted marriage counselor. Be honest with one another about what’s truly going on.

Please don’t make the same mistake I did by waiting until your marriage blows up before taking it seriously (you can read about that part of my story here. I may have waited until it was too late for us, but that doesn’t mean you have to wait until it’s too late for you.


 

 

X3groupsDon’t wait for pornography to destory your marriage. Get REAL help today by joining an X3group. These small groups offer the real support and acountabiity you need while breaking free from sexual addiction.

JOIN NOW!

 

 

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