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7 Keys To Great Sex In Marriage

by Craig Gross on June 20th, 2017 in The Haps, Featured

great-sex-keysMy wife Jeanette and I and our friends Dave and Ashley Willis put together a video series called “Best Sex Life Now.”

Why?

Because after 16 years of marriage, I’m more passionate about this than ever: married folks need to be having sex… and great sex at that! 

So here are seven keys to help you unlock that great sex life.

#1 Twice a week. Practice makes perfect. Sure, sex is a great chance to have an orgasm, but more than that, sex connects you and brings you closer. You won’t have great sex the first time and you probably won’t have great sex the first year of marriage every time. I have been married 16 years now and I can honestly say it gets better and better. The more comfortable you are with your spouse (and with your own bodies), the more in love you grow with each other. But, you have to work at it and this can only happen when you are having sex. I recommend twice a week AT A MINIMUM. The more the merrier, but one way to have great sex in marriage is to have sex often. If this is not a priority in your marriage make it one.

#2 The other person comes first. I can cut to the chase on this one and just say make your spouse cum first and leave it at that. I am not trying to be tasteless here – I’m being honest! Look, porn has taught so many people what they like (or so they think) and how they like it, and a lot of people approach sex in marriage with this selfish attitude. You want to have great sex in marriage? Then remember your partner and their needs and their likes. Make it a point to serve your spouse in this way. Let’s be honest, not every girl likes it from behind as much as men do, so men, make sure your wife is taken care of not just you.

#3 Start early and keep the lights on. This is a 2 for 1. Maybe one for the guys and one for the girls. Guys, don’t just touch your wife when you want sex. Be affectionate and start earlier in the day. Kiss, hug, gross out your kids, and then don’t wait till right before bed to have sex. Tired sex is not great sex. Turn off Modern Family or CSI or Sportscenter and get to it. Women, remember men are visual as well; both you and your husband need to feel comfortable when having sex but if you can be comfortable with the lights on, then great sex happens.

x3-fighting-for-my-marriage-facebook-10#4 Husbands initiate. I just saved so many of you couples a ton of hours of fighting and angry nights. I don’t know how many couples I talk to who argue over and over and over about this one. “My wife doesn’t initiate sex enough” So, then that leads men to play games. “I wonder how many days I can go without having sex to see if she will ask for it.” Dumb. Don’t play games like this. I’m not trying to be a sexist here, nor am I saying women can’t initiate sex (I sure don’t complain anytime my wife initiates). What I am saying is: just take it off the table and initiate as often as you need to.

#5 NO More Excuses. It hurts. He snores so we don’t sleep in the same room. We have a young baby in our bed. I’m uncomfortable with my body. I have a disturbing or painful sexual past. Please hear me on this: I’m not trying to make light of all these situations, but some of them can be serious. Even so, sex is so important to your relationship that you must work like crazy to work through these issues in your marriage so you can have great sex. You might need to go to counseling to work through your past, you might need to hit the gym so you feel better about your body, you might need to get some of those strips to go over your nose and prevent you from snoring. Whatever your situation is, I seriously am tired of hearing excuses on why you are not having sex. Start having sex. In order to start having sex you need to work through your junk. Today. Attack this stuff so it doesn’t keep you out of the bedroom any longer.

#6 Connect in and out of Bed. You and you spouse need to be partners. You need to be best friends. You need to enjoy each other as people and be connected emotionally. Without that, then your sex life is just going to be strictly physical and won’t be great. You want to have great sex? Be best friends. Care for each other, serve each other and be connected.

#7 Hotel Sex. I travel a lot and just trust me on this one. There are no bible verses to back this up, but I have 16 years and a wife who would agree. Get out of your house sometimes, go vacation in Hawaii or just get a hotel room in the city next to yours. Whatever you do – just get away occasionally and enjoy something new. Hotel sex is some of the best.

Hope this helps. 

PS. I gave Jeanette ( my wife) the blog to read and she thought it would be important to mention WHY having sex is important and needed in your relationship. I made a list and shared that in this postTrust me, you and your spouse need to be having sex otherwise you are just roommates

 

 

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  • jake

    #4 – Am I supposed to keep initiating when most times I do, she sighs or rolls her eyes and either says no or goes through with it begrudgingly? It makes me feel like a heel. She says she knows I want it pretty much any time, so she’ll tell me when she’s ready.

    • tjcib

      Hey Jake, I dealt with the same issues, guilt, and awkward feelings as you. My wife and I have been married 10 years and I can say that we have just gotten past this in the past year or so.

      The change was in me, though… the WAY I was initiating changed it all. And a the article does say, it starts WAY earlier in the day then the hour before you are ready. If her mind is on other things (kids, work, messy house, dishes, bills, etc.), she will not be into it. I learned to step it up and take care of a lot of that. It was actually a joke between my wife and I for a while. When she came downstairs and the dishes were done and the kids showered and ready for bed, she would give me the “You’re gonna get some” look.

      From a guy who has been in your shoes, read some books together with your wife about biblical sex, it makes a big difference!

      • jake

        I’ve been working on changing myself, especially the last year. I try to love her in her love languages every day, She says she appreciates me, but sex just isn’t a priority for her. She doesn’t want to read marriage or any books with me, especially about sex. She doesn’t want me thinking about it any more than I already do.

        • Cha

          Jake, some women are turned off by sex at a certain age. Women need to go to the health club, exercise, eat healthy and keep themselves attractive for their husbands. I understand that having children (which I do not have) can complicate things. I give my hat off to tjcib who helps out to make the work lighter for his wife. That is an awesome man and father. I hope your wife appreciates you more.

          • marie

            Haha! If a woman is turned off by sex, she should concentrate on looking good? I’d say you missed the mark by a laughable distance. Amy, though, has it right.

        • amy

          Jake, it sounds like her disinterest in sex is more about her than about you. I don’t know what your household is like, but I’ll tell you a little about mine, and why I sometimes lose interest in sex. We have 4 kids and a 5th due in a month (so obviously, we’re usually into each other!). I stay at home with the boys and run the household. It’s hard work, and a little stressful. I catch myself shutting down sometimes. Once my husband gets home, dinner is made and cleaned up after, kids bathed and tucked in bed….frankly, sometimes all I want to do is sit down and veg out.
          Also, my body has changed a bit over the course of 5 pregnancies. Even though I’m in shape, it’s just not the same body I had 8 years ago. He loves it, but sometimes I don’t. When I’m not feeling attractive and desirable, it’s sometimes hard to believe he desires me, even when he’s doing his best to convince me.
          Finally, and I think most women would agree with me….we get in the mood much faster when we feel “close” to our husbands. This can be something as simple as helping each other in the kitchen, having a “date night”, talking on a long car trip….it’s different for everyone I think. And really, you can be doing everything right, and if she’s struggling inside, you guys can find yourselves just not gelling.
          The things that I’ve mentioned above sometimes happen to my husband as well, and he loses interest for a time. The thing that has helped us both the most is to remember that while sex is really important, it’s not the most important. What’s most important is your spouse…..and if we can get on the same page with our spouses, and stay there, then sex naturally follows, and it’s usually quite good.
          Hang in there. Pray for your wife and your sex life. God is interested in this. It’s an area I believe He desires to bless all married couples in. So ask. And be open to what He leads you to do…..remember, He’s well aware of what’s going on inside your wife’s heart and mind.

    • LadysView

      Can I just say as a woman, if she’s doing this its probably because you aren’t initiating in a way, that puts her in the mood. Try a new approach or honestly ask her what she likes. We all change in time, our needs and turn ons do too.. You have to keep learning her likes and dislikes..they change over time.

      • jake

        I’ve been trying new approaches for a long time. I’ve asked her what she wants, but she says she doesn’t know. She says sex isn’t important to her, is too important to me, and she prefers I not bring up the subject.

        • Have you considered marital counseling? If she is in agreement, it might be best for you both to go separately once or twice before you start going together.

    • iluvmyhusband

      Jake – I was exactly like your wife only 6 months ago. I just didn’t feel like my husband truly loved me as a wife. I knew we were great friends, but he didn’t hold me or give me affection…unless it was with the intent to get sex later. I needed to know I was everything to him, not just a piece of a**. I wanted to feel like he thought I was the most beautiful woman he knew, that he loved me. The change for us came at the expense of my trust in him. Please figure out how to make her feel more loved and appreciated before it’s too late. Flirt with her, tease her, make her laugh, act lik you are courting again and most of all focus on making her feel loved. Take a break from expecting sex and having an attitude about it. Marriage is supposed to be about giving. After some time ask her what more you can do to please her and ask her if you can talk about what pleases you. There are some great podcasts and resourses online about the differences in how men and women feel loved. Good luck to you! I hope you and your wife gind happiness!

    • Dylan

      Jake, this is hard without knowing you and your wife’s relationship. Has it always been this way, is this new, are you guys in a difficult season? Do you date your wife, is she your best friend? Do you guys strive to serve the Lord and each other? I know this is a lot of questions but there can be a lot of reasons why your wife is shutting down when it comes to sex. I don’t think it’s an accident either that God made us opposites in this area I don’t know a single couple that is equal in their desire for sex. It keeps us pursuing our other half.

  • j

    So when one spouse has significant health issues that involve the sexual organs, this whole thing goes out the window and this article becomes the most depressing thing ever since none of these will ever happen… #5 No more excuses…seriously? Talk about insensitive and clueless. Physical can issues make #1,2, 4,5, and 7 essentially impossible even for couples in their 40s and then reading things like this just bring on more depression, anger, and feelings of hoplessness.

    • Nino Nina

      I don’t think this blog was intended to be insensitive J. Its obviously geared towards married couples who are physically able to engage in sexual activity. If someone is physically hurting or suffering from an illness, then most definitely their spouse should have a clue! Issues that may stem from illnesses that prevent two married people from having sex, is a whole other situation. And would carry a whole other set of advice and suggestions.

      I actually enjoyed this article. I often hear physically, healthy, married couples make excuses as to why they’re NOT having sex. This isn’t ok. Even as Christians, Satan can sneak in and take up residency in our heart and emotions. He makes us believe that great sex is only possible with others. (A lie from the pits of hell!!) Married couples need to start talking. Start engaging and become turned on by each other. Even long after the “honeymoon” is over. So the advice above would definitely apply.

      I often tell people, if something like a comment or statement (or in this case blog) can upset, anger or hurt someone, one must stop and figure out why. It’s sometimes surprising to realize the problem is often within ourselves. We, as humans can become bitter & overly sensitive when discussing topics that hit home.

      May we pray, and pray some more for ALL married couples out there. May they learn to have a long lasting sex life… May we pray just as hard for those who can’t.

    • Mrs. A

      We ran into this problem. I had visions of being 41 and never having sex again. I did feel angry and frustrated, not only with not being able to have sex, but also with our now guaranteed childless state. But then I decided to move forward. Sure… We can’t have traditional intercourse… but intercourse is just one thing. There is more to it than that. Now in our minds there are two distinct activities. There is having sex and then there is making love. It is interesting to me that we never truly connected to each other until we hit a wall. We had the learn about each other and about pleasure. It is not easy. It is like starting over as clumsy virgins and relearning everything after years of marriage. What’s more, we had to let go of some pride issues… both of us… and truly open up to each other and that was uncomfortable at first. In fact, a lot about relearning sex and intimacy was uncomfortable, but slowly, we went from the point where we had not had sex…or even attempted it in months… and we’re considering a platonic marriage to the kind of sex life that my husband measures how well he preformed by asking if I lost count of my orgasms… without intercourse. (This does not happen often, but he is a man on a mission and he will not rest until I am happy) I can tell by your post that you are upset and I understand because I was exactly there. But if you have nothing left to lose…
      It took us 24 hours to figure out how to have sex with each other. It has taken the past 3 years to learn how to make love. It definitely does not happen overnight. We have been married 12 years.

    • Amada

      When we had been diagnosed with a condition that kept us from being together, we found other ways to satisfy each other, sometimes not just with orgasms, just the plain satisfaction of being together exploring and feeling good and comfortable with each other.
      Love, understanding and forgiveness can be greater atractions than physical status.
      Maybe just kisses, hugs a dance, a bath together. Anything to show love.

      • McJack

        This is great!! You have to take it for what it is, someone’s opinion. We all have them, they are ours to share or not! As for addiction to porn, I genuinely feel sometimes we take anothers sins onto ourselves as our own, that’s not our job–that’s why we have Jesus. Regardless if it is our spouse or not DONT own it as your own. He cannot “make” you less attracted to him, or “make” you feel used you choose that for your self. Give it to God!! Porn should not make or break a union or someone’s self esteem. It is what it is, life is full of choices we all have to make. We all sin and NO SIN IS BETTER THAN ANOTHER. Don’t own this Jenn!

        • McJack

          (I didn’t mean to post as a reply, my bad!)

    • PJ

      I don’t know what type of health issues you have, but I had a lot of pain after having cancer and chemo & radiation, I discovered cannabis message oil made with grape seed oil and cannabis, it is amazing! Takes away all the pain, increased the amount of orgasms. The name is Enjointment made in CA. Hope that helps.

    • Mophi

      Consider others, my brother. If it’s not for you then move along, don’t whine about it.

    • Shhhh

      Yeah chill out

  • S

    So you are saying that my husband had an affair because I didn’t have sex with him. Wow. Glad that’s all cleared up now. For guys it’s all about sex. I have a 2 year old and another on the way. Sex disgusts me right now and is extremely painful. I think you wife should have smacked you for this one. I usually like your blogs. This is just tasteless.

    • Jessica

      How does this article in ANY WAY imply that? This is obviously for people trying to improve their marriage. For guys it’s not ALL about sex but it is a big part and as a wife you’re the one that’s suppose to fill that need. I’m sorry your husband cheated, obviously he’s an ass but if you are getting divorced and sex “disgusts” you why would you even read an article about having a better sex with your husband?

    • Dylan

      So you don’t think sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage? Can I ask how connected you feel to your husband when he is not doing a great job connecting to you emotionally? This is the same with men. It’s not all about sex with men, however it is a very necessary need. Much the same as you need to relate and connect emotionally, that is not at the forefront of a mans mind but he needs to be intentional about that for his wife. Sex is not on the forefront of a women’s mind but she needs to be intentional about it for her husband. Remember God designed not man. Maybe you need to thing to yourself why did God design it that way. Instead of being bitter towards your husband for it. I don’t remember reading anywhere him saying if you aren’t having sex with your husband that’s the reason for your affair, maybe I missed that part.

    • Sally

      S –

      I don’t know you or your situation, but men do often times have affairs because they are not getting enough attention and sex from you. For women it’s about feeling loved. Marriage is about serving each others needs and while I know children are extremly demanding, you MUST make your marriage number 1 or you won’t have a marriage. To men, your respect and sex are the two most important factors in your marriage. If you are too busy with your 2 year old and you want nothing to do with sex, then it is clear why he would step out on you. I am not saying it’s okay, it’s just what happens.

      I know how extremely painful am affair can be and I’m so sorry you are going through this pain. I hope that you are able to save your marriage.

      • Cha

        If her husband steps out of their marital relationship for sex since she was busy with the baby he is a SCUMBAG. HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER to help-out with his child and make things easier for his wife. If a man cheats, it’s not due to lack of sex since sex outside of marriage is not sex, it is LUST of the flesh. Sex is between a man and his wife sharing your whole heart and soul with that someone special. You don’t have sex since you are horny. You have sex since you LOVE that someone special and you want to share all that you are with that someone special! It is so sad that some women have to put-up with such jerks / losers!

        • You are right that a husband with children should help to raise them directly by doing more than just bringing home a paycheck.

          However, regarding sex, men & women can and often do treat it quite differently. Men can compartmentalize so that it can become “just sex” and nothing to do with love. Nothing at all.

          A man who has any kind of sexual activity other than with his wife, including porn, lustful thoughts, masturbation, etc. is committing sin. That makes him a sinner, just like the rest of us, and exactly the reason Jesus came to die. It doesn’t necessarily make him a scumbag, jerk, or a loser.

          I hope and pray that you can find a way to forgive the men who have hurt you in your life… So that your own prayers are not hindered. Holding a grudge is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.

  • Jenn

    I thought we were having great sex, and then found out my husband looked at porn two hours after we were intimate. So .. . I guess it doesn’t really mean a whole lot to him, and makes me feel super vulnerable, so I’ll be passing on the whole sex thing for a while.

    • Cha

      Some men are SCUMBAGS – my fiance watch pron for 3 1/2 years before I found out by accident. All along, he lied to me that he were not watching porn since it is a disgrace to women. I am a young woman and it is so hard to find a decent man!

      • Dylan

        If a man watches porn it doesn’t make him a scumbag, it makes him a sinner that has a problem and needs help. Allow me to be transparent for a moment. I am a man that first loves God, my wife and my 4 children, in that order. I am 100% committed to my wife and am very happily married. I am at a daily battle with my flesh, and I have been very open with my wife and she understands the struggle and supports me as much as she knows how. I know this is hard for women to understand and don’t expect you to get it. But you need to come along side your husbands if you discover or if he becomes transparent about his porn problem. Shaming him and and making him feel like a disgusting pig will not solve the problem. He needs men in his life to be open with and work through these issues, and help strengthen him in his battle.

        • Amen brother.

        • rj

          Hardest thing to do is stand by them, this is when only God can show you what mercy and grace really is. We deserve neither, yet are given it ourselves

      • Mathias Bjorkman

        So Cha what does it make women who is addicted to porn (not pron).

    • Dylan

      Jenn let me just tell you as a man who has lived this exact scenario,the conclusion you came to will not make this situation better. You need to understand your man is in a battle, a battle that probably began when he was a small innocent boy, and a chemical high was released into his brain that forever put him into a battle against porn. I’m not making excuses for your husband and the pain that he has caused you and that many, many men cause their families but this struggle is real. Stop for a minute and put your guard for a minute and think about something in you, you hate you truly wish was different about yourself. Anger maybe you yell at your kids, are you controlling, something you have been really working to change about yourself, if your husband loves God, you, and your family, he desperately wants to be released from this struggle. Don’t give up on him men aren’t great at being venerable

      • Jenn

        I hated my bulimia; I went to counseling and recovered (4 years ago). He’s just nursing his addiction along, pretending to make it a priority when I get upset.

        • Rahab2011

          Jenn, my heart weeps for you. Please remember that the battles we face are not truly flesh and blood; they are spiritual. I urge you to learn about spiritual warfare, and pray with your husband daily. Make yourself a safe place for him. Combat the lies of Satan with the Truth of God’s Word (for both of you). And please do not deny him access to your body; it is not just yours–according to the Bible, it is his, as well. If that is not enough for you, then pay attention to the fact that the less a woman has sex, the less she wants it. I am struggling with that after a long time without due to a car accident, and I can testify to it.
          The book that helped me understand everything involved in this was “Winning the Battle Within,” by Neil T. Anderson. God bless you.

          • Deborah West

            Jenn. You are absolutely not in any way to blame for your husband”s problem. You have no fault in this. For most men, the only way they will get help is if they are truly going to lose everything. It’s a shame that pride motivates most men. You need take care of yourself, and yourself only. You cannot help him. He must do his own work. And ‘making yourself available’ does NOT help him. It only enables him. Being a ‘safe’ place for is not YOUR responsibility. He lost that benifit. He needs to understand that he is going to lose EVERYTHING unless HE changes. HE needs to do the work, not you.

    • Katie Sanders

      My husband was addicted to porn so I get it and you need to step back until he asks god for forgiveness and finds accountibility but when he does he needs alot of support . my husband being addicted and is now not … I know he made a huge mistake but he needs to change his image of sex and sexual all to you and he needs you to love him as God loves him

    • As others have responded, and I can attest, cutting him off sexually is not the right answer and will, in fact, make things much worse for your relationship, and for him and his battle as well. It will drive him further into the addiction and away from you. It may even lead to him having an affair.

      A real live woman, willing, able, and eager, is far better than porn any day. Fight for your husband, win the battle against Satan!

      • Jenn

        I wouldn’t be cutting him off for him. I can’t help him. He’s been in counseling for this for 2 years. He’s been going to meetings, has been saying he’s getting better. I just found out this last week though (we got new router with logging) that this is not true; he relapsed twice this week alone. I’m not having sex because I’m not emotionally safe with him, and because I will not be used and discarded anymore. I can’t stop him from using porn, but I can stop making myself this vulnerable to him. If having sex with him daily hasn’t made a dent in his porn use, then cutting him off won’t really matter. I’m tired of fighting for him, and having him lie to me and betray me.

        • mdukes

          While yes, porn is an addiction and a battle, you cannot and should not dismiss the fact that along with every sin is a consequence. One HUGE consequence to porn is that whether a husband/boyfriend intended to or not, they have seriously degraded their partner. Most women/spouses are left feeling isolated and their personal image of themselves is shattered. To continue to tell someone to “keep at it”, “don’t withhold from him or you’ll make his problem worse” is unbelievable as you are now putting part of the blame on her. You’re telling someone that you don’t care what his sin is doing to her, keep going and ignore it and “take one for the team”. So, to be real about it, when he gets to the point that he can’t perform with her because porn has taken that from him to, should she just continue to work and work with him, hoping to “work” him through his issue, while her self-esteem is being shattered? I’m all for counseling, I’m all for ridding this from people’s lives, but-many responses on here have completely invalidated this woman’s heart and situation and have tried to sugar coat the ugliness of what viewing porn does to BOTH parties involved.

          • marie

            Thank you.

        • MrsC

          I’m so sorry Jen. My heart breaks for you and I’m lifting you up in prayer. My husband was addicted years before we married, then was clean for six years. Then finances got tight and he had a relapse which God revealed to me in a matter of a few days! My husband was repentant and his heart broke knowing how much he’d hurt us both. I’m praying for your husband to repent and your marriage to be fully restored!

        • Dr_Lady

          As recovering alcoholics do not harbor the source of their addiction in their home…neither should porn addicts. Get rid of tempting factors. No internet. No cell data …etc. Do what you can to help. Any little bit helps. Most importantly don’t check on him. He will feel like you already think and know he is doing this, so might as well. Encourage him (as im sure u have). Pray together every night. God is greater than any addiction.

        • Dewey

          Jenn, the porn has nothing to do with you, his intimacy with you, or how he views you. It’s an all-together separate thing. If you look at it as if you are competing with porn, you will spiral downward, and it’s the wrong approach. Porn is about control and releasing anxiety over other things (yes, this is my confession. I have had great, long, satisfying sex with girlfriends and yet, may have done exactly what your husband did because I was getting anxious about my work load. It’s not that cut and dry, but the release is a process that I go through when I have that anxiety. You might say, “but didn’t you just have real sex to release that?” Yes, but it’s just a different thing. I could have used exercise or food (which I sometimes do) or playing video games. But it has nothing to do with my mate. Try not to punish him in your head for “relapsing.” And try to see it as something that isn’t a slap in the face to you. It’s his own battle. Grace and love will win out. Every time.

        • Deborah West

          Bravo, Jenn. You are exactly right. He has to do ALL the work. And it sounds like his proven that he won’t be honest about it. My H did the same thing. He lied, deceived, and manipulated me while the entire time, did what pleased. He refused to get an accountibility partner. He refuses to confess withing the agreed upon 24 hours. Sadly, there are some people you just cannot help, you can only survive them. Remember that you are God’s child, made in His Image, and God would not want you to suffer. Be strong, take care of yourself, and seek independence.

      • MrsC

        Your answer is extremely insensitive and rude. You have no idea what pain she’s going through. Her husband is not repentant and giving him sex is only going to drive him further into using her. His brain needs to be rewired. Years of a porn addiction will train your brain to react only to fantasy not real life. So essentially he is using his wife to masturbate. How is that healthy for either spouse? If you can answer this then I rest my case.

      • Deborah West

        It is NEVER her fault. Cutting him off sexually IS better. HE needs to learn self-control. She can’t make him, break him, or buy it for him. QUIT trying to make her responsible for his actions. He is accountible to God for himself, not her.

    • Mike

      Hi Jenn. I’ve seen many of your posts here. Seeing what I’ve read, and being a recovering porn addict myself, I gave to ask you one question. Have you told your husband that if and/or when he fails, he can come to you and talk about it? As a recovering porn addict myself, I know how deeply I pained my wife and how much I tore her self esteem to shreds. That, in turn broke my own heart knowing the pain I caused the woman I would lay my life down for, I had hurt from watching porn. One day, she came and sat with me and said she wanted to talk. While many men cringe (as I did) hearing those words, it was the best day of our marriage. Even while I was still embarrassed and ashamed by my actions, despite trying to stop, my awesome wife looked me right in the eyes and told me she loved me. She said that I didn’t have to bear this alone, as Christ commanded us. She told me that I can tell her anything, even when I failed at not looking at porn. That was 6 years ago. I still struggle every day and our sex life is AMAZINGLY AWESOME!!! Why? Because I know that if I fail, I can go to my wife and talk to her about it. She doesn’t belittle me, she has moved past the disappointment and into Christ-like grace and love.
      Ever since that day 6 years ago, I’ve had exactly 2 relapses. You might want to give this approach a chance.

  • Javier

    Quit being so sensitive ladies. That’s what’s wrong with this world, women overreacting to everything. Foolish thinking, how is depriving your husband of sex going to help your marriage. Men are wired different, we like sex. So as our wife’s you should be giving it to us no matter what. If you have physical pain, you can always use other things like hands and I’m pretty sure you get the picture. This is not belittling women, we has men need to attend to out women’s emotional stuff. And myself, as a man who struggles with porn do not love my wife any less because of my struggle. It’s not her fault, pornagraphy is a beast ladies, is a struggle I wish I would never have known, don’t punish your husbands by removing sex from him, you’ll just give him more reason to mess up. It’s not the easiest thing to here but it’s the truth

    • Jenn

      I had sex with my husband every day, sometimes several times a day, and he was still using porn. I’ve tried spicing things up with lingerie, words of appreciation, massage, handcuffs, whatever he asked for, for 5 years now. It makes no difference, and I’m tired of being used. If he leaves, what have I really lost except the emotional and sexual abuse?

      • Jamee

        Jenn, I can relate to you in many aspects of what your sharing but it’s important to remember above anything else, watching porn is simply described as a sin. Watching porn although can have devastating effects does not determine a person’s worth. Your husband identity is rooted in Christ not his bad decisions. In addition to that we don’t get to determine when we have forgiven enough. Christ tells us to forgive seven times seventy times. I understand by reading your posts you have given much of yourself and the behavior continues. Set boundaries, but don’t shut down. Your comment. . It makes no difference, and I’m tired of being used. If he leaves, what have I really lost except the emotional and sexual abuse?

        Shows bitterness and restment. We should mourn over the loss of literally our other half. What I read you saying is that he means nothing more to you than simply pain. That statement alone reflects way more than just him watching porn. And most importantly that he is not the only contributor to the root of your marital issues.

        Like I said I can relate in many ways to what your going through but the bottom line is that in Christ we are both at fault and in Christ we can overcome the worst of messes. Christ can fix it but don’t stop being intimate or vulnerable that is the foundation of humility. Praying for you.

        • Jenn

          I am humble enough to admit I can’t fix him; only God can. However, I will not continue to enable his abuse. I do forgive him, but that doesn’t mean I can trust someone who just isn’t trustworthy. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. – Jenn

          • marie

            Yes. Don’t let anyone shame you into thinking otherwise.

      • Jamee

        Jenn, I can relate to you in many aspects of what your sharing but it’s important to remember above anything else, watching porn is simply a sin. Watching porn, although, can have devastating effects does not determine a person’s worth. Your husbands identity is rooted in Christ not his bad decisions. It doesn’t make him a horrible person it makes him broken and in need of Jesus. Just like any one else.

        In addition to that we don’t get to determine when we have forgiven enough. Christ tells us to forgive seven times seventy times. I understand by reading your posts you have given much of yourself and the behavior continues. Set boundaries, but don’t shut down. Don’t look at vulnerability as a weakness, it is the foundation of humility which takes strength. Christ can fix the worst of situations. We as married couples both have responsibility.

      • Debbie

        Jenn, I’m sorry for your pain and it sounds like you have really tried. Personally, it seems like your husband is not living a lifestyle of recovery and I do not blame you for not wanting to have sex. There should be consequences to him acting out otherwise why bother to change. It might be time to give him an ultimatum. Would never tell you what to do just something to think about. My heart and prayers go out to you.

    • MrsC

      She’s not punishing him by refusing him sex. Would you agree that he is punishing her by viewing porn and using her for physical release only? Sex is meant to bound a husband and wife together; in this case it’s driving them apart. Her pain from his sin is not her being “oversensitive”.If you haven’t been in her shoes then you have no idea what she’s going through. He’s a broken man who needs help but is not repentant from his actions. It’s not up to his wife to “save him from temptation”. That is Jesus’ job! And I can personally tell you my husband and I were having great sex and he still fell into a porn relapse. It has NOTHING whatsoever to do with sex, it has EVERYTHING to do with his heart!

  • Trig

    This article is full of triggers. I seriously wish Craig would write with a little more tact. It’s all good content, but sheesh.. man.. lighten up on the crude nature of the writing.

    • Dylan

      Really!? I think it’s about time someone I’m the Christian community shares some great tips for a healthy sex live. Trig, God gave husband and wife the incredible gift of sex and becoming one. We shouldn’t feel shame, guilt or embarrassment talking about making sure your wife has an orgasm before you flip on the tv.

    • Tyrell

      You clearly have not read Song of Solomon. That is fairly graphic and “full of triggers” and is in the Bible. He’s following sound advice here by not saying anything he wouldn’t say in church.

      • Trig

        You would really say “Cum” and “From Behind” in church? Seriously? You don’t find that kind of terminology in Song of Solomon either. Those are porn terms.. and this site is for people recovering from porn — doesn’t make sense.

        • Gary

          Trig, sorry but people like you are the reason churches are struggling. my wife showed me this article and we both said that it was about time someone spoke openly and honestly about sex in the “Christian church”. my wife is the daughter of a pastor, i am a former youth pastor, my mother was an evangelist, this is not about credentials, its about generations leaving church because of the lack of transparency, honesty, and realness. the divorce rate in “Christian” homes is greater that in secular community, studies show that sexual satisfaction in Christian homes are at an all time low, kids leave home after being raised in a “traditional” Christian home, they get exposed to the real world, and now the Christian community is a community of liars and aloof because what they see is a far different world and reality than the what we’re selling. Get real!!! in fact i have passed this article on to a marriage counselor that is planning a marriage seminar in my city this fall.
          CHRIS THANK YOU!!!! MY MARRIAGE IS ALREADY BETTER BECAUSE OF YOU!

          • marie

            Someone who says “people like you are the reason churches are struggling” to someone who made a comment about terminology…is someone who is pissed about something.

  • Jenn

    #8 Don’t look at porn. Don’t ogle other women. Your wife doesn’t want to feel like just another woman to you, interchangeable with anyone else out there. Let her know that she’s unique to you and safe with you. Make her your go-to fantasy. Having your own private sex life outside of your marriage is the fastest way to kill her desire and respect for you.

    • DC

      Jenn – If your husband is going to meetings for sex addiction I’m assuming he is in one of three fellowships. Just like Al-Anon, for Alchoholics, there is help for people who live with husbands who have sex addiction. Just google Spouse & Sex Addiction. If I were a betting man I would attribute the majority of today’s failed marriages to porn. My acting out was completely out of my control and could only get help from a 12 step program around sex addiction. Most alcoholics & drug addicts find it much harder to stay sober from sex than the drugs. Him just working on himself will not fix your marriage. My wife had to go to a treatment program for herself around my addiction before we got better. Our marriage is completely different now! God selected you to be his wife and you get help and that will end up a blessing.

      • Jenn

        I have been going to SAnon and COSA for 2 years. He was going to SA and CR, but has quit. There’s nothing more I can do for him.

        • DC

          The reality is you’re doing the right things by going to S-Anon! You need to realize he probably does love you more than you realize, but this is a disease. It has nothing to do with you and you cant fix it. Imagine it was diabetes instead. Would you say he doesn’t love me if he messed up occasionally drinking a Coke? You need to support him, but don’t do it in a shaming way. He’s probably got enough shame for 10 lifetimes. I’d set boundaries and talk to your sponsor about the right way to do it. I’d even go so far as to role play the conversation. Sometimes saying I’m gone if you don’t get better is what you need to do. Do it lovingly though! I’d also get a couple’s counselor who is a CSAT to have this conversation too! Hope I helped!

  • Heather

    I just sent this article to my husband. Hopefully it will start a conversation…..and sex! I just had our second child five weeks ago and we haven’t had sex since I was 5 months pregnant. I couldn’t have sex bc of complications in the pregnancy. At 9 months pregnant I found out my husband was having an internet affair. I was devastated….I still have my issues and definitely struggle to trust him. But I stayed so I have to forgive and move forward. I hate the way I look physically right now but I don’t want to continue as room mates. So much distance has been created and I would like to see if this is why. My husband doesn’t communicate with me much so hopefully reading this will spark a conversation. At this point I’m wondering if he’s cheating and I don’t believe he is but I don’t know too many men that can go indefinitely without sex…so things need to change or else I think we’ll really be in trouble.

  • Melissa

    “Cum” refers to semen. “Come” refers to orgasm. Women come, they don’t cum. I don’t care how many people get it wrong or how many porn sites spell it incorrectly.

  • Gary

    This is the best Christian article I have read in a long time!

  • A

    Nr 3. Lights on?? Yes Get some candles burning in the bedroom guys. She likes that

  • Kin Yalbets

    I think it is good to be able to practice self control. The joy and pleasure that comes from it far exceeds the pleasures of the flesh. Sex is a gift and is an important part of the relationship between a man and woman who commit to marriage and family. In marriage it is good and an imperative to have respectful and spiritually positive sexual unions. Sex should not be the basis for the relationship. I get worried when we preach sex as something that can’t be controlled – I don’t think it is true or biblical. 1 Cor 7

  • Jo Doe

    I’m curious to know what are you input in oral sex?

  • bam

    What is a woman to do when she wants to have sex, but has an unwilling spouse? I’ve heard the “it’s not you, it’s me” for the last 20+ years. We both have issues stemming from childhood, but I am tired of that excuse. We’ve been to counselling, and nothing has changed. He has issues with addiction that just make me jealous, paranoid and angry. I am completely open-minded and have been willing to try any and all things he suggests in bed so the idea that he continues to hide his obsessions from me rather than including me makes me nuts. I am a sexual being. I want it. I need it. And I just don’t know how to continue with a marriage that feels more like a roommate situation than anything else. I have explained what I need, I have begged for what I need, all of it is “heard, understood, and there is confirmation of the need” but nothing changes. WHAT DO I DO?

  • tsav21

    Craig, Great article! What’s your advice for someone with PE? Been married 7 years and it understandably frustrates my wife. She may express her frustration more at times (again understandably), but overall she handles it pretty well. It absolutely kills me though because I want exactly the things this article suggests but feel the PE is a big hurdle

  • Jaco Fourie

    Interesting. I have opened this article from my email through my X3 watch browser and it blocked it!! Nice report going to my wife and accountability partner on this one. Will have some explaining to do so this message will be my proof ?

  • Me Me

    My wife is simply not interested in sex. Nothing I do changes her disinterest. I have prayed, went to counseling, spoke to our Pastor- nothing brings her desire back. I am 54 years old and I have abstained for the last ten years. I feel cheated out of sexual intamcy yet, there is nothing I can do biblically to relieve this frustration. I am committed to my wife through our Lord and savior but the pain of rejection remains deeply. Any advice ?

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