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8 Reasons My Wife Won’t Have Sex With Me!

by Craig Gross on April 3rd, 2017 in The Haps, Men, Women, Couples, Featured

8-reasons-husband-sexFor some reason, we live in a world where it seems like the stereotype for married people and sex is that men need it and women don’t want to cough it up. I don’t know how that happened, but in my marriage, sex is a two-way street. It takes both of you to make it work and it is mutually beneficial for both parities.

I hear women hold sex over a lot of men’s head and I just laugh. Just because women aren’t as visual as men doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy sex as much as men.

Sex is a gift to be enjoyed. The Bible pretty much says that married folks should be having sex and lots of it. (No, really it says that the only time to refrain from sex is for a period of time for fasting and praying and that is only for a period of time, otherwise the devil will use that to keep you apart.)

The reality? Out of everyone I know, the married people have the suckiest sex lives. Why are the single people having all the good sex? Doesn’t that go against what the Bible says?

The reason: Sex takes work. Sex is complicated. Sex takes both of you.

Most men can get over things pretty quickly. If Jeanette and I fight, I can get over it and make up in minutes and be totally fine to have sex that night. Women aren’t so quick. Their emotions are involved and they tend to put up some more walls then most men. If those walls stay up, then guys, there is no way it’s happening tonight.

So, let’s answer this question: Why doesn’t my wife want to have sex with me?

Here are a few reasons I’ve seen. I don’t know your spouse and your situation, but if I had to guess, it’s one or two of the following things.

1. She’s had a bad experience with sex in the past that she’s never worked through. This could be how she lost her virginity. This could be a situation involving abuse or rape at a younger age. She thought marriage would solve this, but these issues have never been addressed thoroughly and have caused her to just not be interested. My gut is that if you could help her process some of these things or encourage some counseling, then that could be a great start to help her find the healing she needs.

2. She feels guilty. I was taught growing up that sex was bad. We couldn’t do it and it was off limits. Then one day at 22 I got married and it went from a lifelong RED light to a GREEN light in one day. That’s a tough mental switch to make, and a lot of women still feel that sex is dirty and a bad thing not understanding it is a gift from God. Talk through this stuff. Talk about sex being a great thing. Something to celebrate.

3. She doesn’t enjoy it. Sorry guys… Let’s just be honest. I’m not saying you have a small penis. Most women don’t care about the size. Its more than that. We live in a world where sex with your self (masturbation) has become the norm, and most men bring this into their marriage. Masturbation has taught you one thing: how you like it. It leaves something out: her.

You get off in your favorite position and think sex is all about what you like. If you approach sex like that? Guess what: she won’t enjoy it. She wants you on top not just behind her all the time. I met a guy whose wife hadn’t had an orgasm in 10 years of having sex. That’s a problem! My suggestion was to communicate. Listen to her. Let her be involved in what she likes, how she likes it, and let her reach orgasm. Don’t believe the lie that says women don’t need to have an orgasm every time. Really work to achieve this together and if not at the same time make sure both of you have the option. (Oh, and one last bit of advice: quit trying to stick it in her butt.)

4. You only touch her when you want sex. I am not going to bore you with the crock pot vs. the microwave analogy, because I think you’ve probably already heard that. Women need to be touched, kissed, and hugged all the time, not just when you want action. This will go far. Trust me.

5. She’s too tired. My wife loves to have sex and I think we have a great sex life. I am going to recommend trying to have sex every other day. I have been married 15 years and that is an expectation and goal we both have set. I love 9pm-1am. They’re my best, most productive hours of the day because no one is awake in my house and my phone or email are not getting blown up. My wife is done after about 9pm. So, we put our kids down early so we make sure we have time to connect but I know even though she would like to have sex, if we get too late into the evening, it’s not going to happen. Guys, you might have to get on her schedule.

x3-fighting-for-my-marriage-facebook-106. Her walls are up. These are the walls I talked about earlier. Some of them might not have anything to do with you, but some of them sure do. Guys, we’re stupid. We have no clue that something we said this morning pissed off our wives and they are still upset, or how you’ve been treating her all week or all month or your whole marriage has forced her to build up walls between you. Pay attention to her. Look for signals and ask. Don’t avoid conflict because it is tough. Run towards resolution and get in the sack. The devil is laughing when us married folks sleep in separate beds.

7. She’s insecure about her body. We live in a world of porn, swimsuit issues, and Victoria’s secret. Most women know they can’t compete with the images of the women we have in our visual hard drive. Have you told her you loved her? Have you told her she is beautiful? Have you told her she is sexy and you still get excited when she steps out of the shower naked? Show her, tell her, and keep the lights on once in a while during sex so you can remind her that you love looking at her.

8.  You don’t initiate it. Call me old school, but the Bible says it’s a husband’s responsibility to lead their wives, and this area is no different. It’s worth it. Stop playing games and seeing how many times you initiate sex compared to how many times she does or doesn’t. You start looking at porn to get what you need and then your sex life is non-existent. If you’re not having sex, then you’re probably masturbating and looking at porn and she probably knows it. Just so you know, the longer men go without sex, the more they desire it, and the longer women go without sex, the more they don’t need it. So you see the problem there. That is getting you nowhere. You lead. You initiate. And when she does initiate, never turn her down.

Okay, that’s all I have right now. There might be more, but my plane is landing and I have to turn off my computer. If you and you wife aren’t having sex and nothing on this list resonates with you, then talk together about what’s going on. Don’t be afraid of that conversation. Don’t avoid it either.

Now get in bed.




  • David

    I would expand on #3 by saying, sometimes it’s fun to just take care of her. Go in with the expectation that this is for her, not for you. Some of the best sex I’ve ever had has been after going in with the intention of not having sex at all.

    • Kara

      totally agree! the biggest turn on in the world is just focusing on how you can serve the other person. Also, since its more difficult for women to derive the same pleasure its kind of needed.

      • Ray

        I think you are correct… however I guarantee many men reading this article have already tried that. Why assume it’s always the guys fault?
        To any husbands in this position, I’d highly recommend checking out Alex Allman’s stuff, it’s extremely helpful. Here’s a link to his guide: PassionThatLasts.Com

        Buying chocolates and flowers wont work for everyone.

        • AshGraham1

          Some sense Ray! Thanks for the great share.

  • Kelly Smith-Master

    Really good Craig!

  • Sydney Clark

    Hello! Quick question, could you tell me what sources/research you’re thinking of when you say “the longer men go without sex, the more they desire it, and the longer women go without sex, the more they don’t need it.” I’m interested in understanding the gender difference there. Thanks!

    • Sydney – Can’t say where Craig got this, but it’s generally a gender stereotype, not based on research. My PhD focused on sexual desire and I know of no research that would back it. It assumes men are driven by the biology of built up desire and women are not. For many this might be true, but for a LOT of people, for a lot of reasons, it doesn’t hold up. That doesn’t change the truth of Craig’s point, however, that men need to be initiating (not that women shouldn’t) and that a healthy sex life is an important component of a healthy marriage. Especially one seeking to honor Christ.

      • Ra

        Thank you for that input! as a female, it is been agrivating through the years to have men (and women)constantly regurgitating that women don’t have sex drives or struggle with porn or masturbation.

        3 years celibate and it doesn’t dissipate over time.

        • Hang in there Ra. You are not alone. There are many women who have to fight hard for their sexual integrity. Keep focused on the goal of healthy sexuality.
          (BTW: Cross culturally, the woman is the high desire spouse for 1 in 5 marriages.)

          • annie

            That would be me. I was the high desire spouse for sure. I never cheated, but got blamed for it all the time. It was, by far, not our only issue, but eventually one of the heavier straws that broke our marriage apart. Plus the cultural stereotype is that men want to have sex ALL the time, and I married the one man on the planet who wasn’t interested? Must be me….now I know he had his own issues, but being turned down repeatedly for years is very destructive. I tell my girl friends all the time that they are just as responsible for the health of their sex life as their husband.

        • Kara

          i know what you mean! my saying with my hubby is “you know I’m always ready” haha. NO IT DOES NOT! The longest i went was 4 yrs. Its rough! Stay strong 🙂

  • JJStarflyer

    How do we we convince her that our desire to have sex with her every other day is healthy and not us being obsessed with sex, especially when it’s never happened in years and years of marriage?

    • Jaminology

      Link her to this article. Or to one of hundreds of scientific journals and health magazines which recommend around three times a week. Or to the Bible.

      • Ken

        I’ve never met a woman who would read a scientific journal and say “Wow, I really need to have more sex, it’s been proven scientifically” Men might read an article and change their life. Women will just feel invalidated because you showed her the article and interpret it as making her wrong. The Bible says “love your wife with knowledge”, I think it means knowledge of her and what she wants, not the results of scientific studies.

    • Kara

      I’m speaking as a woman. I know a lot of women who don’t really enjoy sex and thats sad, but there are some things you can do to help her see sex differently. First of all like the article discusses, if there is trauma or relationship issues (she doesn’t feel comfortable or trust you) than that needs to be discussed. Personally i think couples should always be reading a book together or relationship series or possibly going to counseling(especially with really big issues) I love anything my larry crabb like the marriage builder is AMAZING! My hubby and i are reading tim keller’s the meaning of marriage. Key being talk and discuss (we women love talking about how we feel lol) Oh and mark driscoll’ series on song of songs is amazing on the topic of intimacy between a couple. If you are not fond of driscoll maybe like john piper. Tim keller is a lot softer of an approach. Usually anything on the book song of songs is great for this area. Second, the approach can make a woman feel like a piece of meat. You have to let her know sex is your way of expressing your love and intimacy with her. Thats its a special sacred time where you get to physically act out your love for her. Know her love language( for a lot of women more quality time is what they long for) and use it to communicate this. Moreover, make sure its not all about you. What does she enjoy in bed. How can you serve her. Nothing makes a woman feel more used than a man grabbing at her for 5 minutes til he’s done and starts watching something on tv. She might just want to sit and kiss like when you start dating. For a lot of women it is more difficult to derive the same pleasure so sex needs to be something she looks forward to and sees in a positive light. Lastly, encouraging her to have great women friends who see sex is a good light, You can’t exactly say regardless of how you feel lets still have sex but the reality is thats how it should be. It’s not always if both feel like doing something then you should. If one person is angry and doesn’t feel like they love the other it doesn’t mean well I’m not making your dinner or helping you with anything. We serve each other even when maybe we don’t feel like it. The kids still need to be taken to school, dinner needs to be made and bills need to be paid. Same with sex. It’s something we do to both serve and be served. Lastly and actually most important just pray God will open her heart and allow her to view sex through your eyes and will show you the ways in which you can communicate that to her.

      • a wife

        If I’m angry, I can cook or do other tasks, but I don’t bear unwanted sexual contact. Even I allow it, I can became agressively rejecting any moment. I tend to feel like a sex slave, if my fish NOT to have sex that often is constantly ignored, and my hb doesn’t make me feel loved as a person, and has turned to be critical about what has been important for me. I’m tired of obligatory sex.

        • Kara

          You may want to do some counseling together if you can’t talk to him about this constructively. One of my favorite marriage books is called the marriage builder by larry crabb. Its helped my husband and I so much. It great on how to handle and process emotions and feelings in a loving constructive way for yourself and for the relationship. Having sex while your angry or feeling used isn’t helpful. It will only reinforce your resentment.

      • Johan Meiring

        Thanks. I have build up major resentment to my wife over many years of very little intimacy / sex. I cannot find a way to discuss with her. Cannot understand why? I am in a demanding job where I confront issues daily, however I am a complete idiot at home. I live in a daily battle of fighting off trying to find alternatives to this intimate void in my life. Please pray for me. I yearn for intimacy and love. My wife says she is always angry at me for not always listening to her. I am a focus person and my radar does not pick up all messages around me and then I miss something she said, that angers her more. Bottomline is we do not have sex, I am frustrated and feel 100% rejected. Why can I not get a fix for this? I am 49, we have been married for 22 years. My faith means I cannot seek sexual relief elsewhere. So, am I going to grow old without feeling sexually fulfilled? My selfesteem is falling apart. I wish life was easier. I need backbone to takle the situation before it destroys both of us. Please pray for us, please pray for me.

      • Caroline Snider

        When your husband comes home from the Navy with no intention of looking to the Social structure in the community and spends three decades tearing it to shreds. I felt I had no choice but to hold back sex until he was willing to cooperate, In 2000 His family, many coworkers and I came back from Bavaria over the Millinial celebrations after having him Jailed on the 23 of December and forced to work instead of hurting the many plans others had for the turn of the century, With this peace proposal to go to a breakfast on the morning of our arrival. his 45th Birthday of January 5th, We had called his union president who had not liked the Idea of him being forced into work by sheriffs deputies in the first pace he said my husband had the right to make men and women work in his place over the Millinnials and he was putting union lawyers on it to try and stop our interference in his seniority rights through legal means, We were asking him to arrange to Get him the time off in personal time until the 24th of January. We could go home after the breakfast and put up the Christmas tree give him the 1300 dollar gift of a LED screen Clock that was programed with pictures of every place we went and did on that trip. I was asking him to Go up to the upper peninsula after the Christmas day celebration to a B and B overlooking the Straights of Macinac. and Have a nice time Snuggled in to the Snow up there until he came back to work We were even going to try and arrange for his four weeks vacation slot from mid march after spring Break to mid april. Instead this was what he gave before we could even make our offer, To me a Box of dog Leavings and a letter that basically said that was his thieving wife’s fraud and theft was worth the last 15 years I had not been a real wife, I cried all the way home trying to get him to talk to me and stop for a breakfast to make our pitch.

        HE just said His father and mothers and the rest of the family had their gift waiting at his fathers house that he was already called into the Foremans office and told he could have the time off for the next two weeks, that he had already told him he could stuff the time in his ear that was his time and he wanted like everyone else to decide when it was used and if his father and the skunk judge he had in his pocket, he was going to make sure that his dictator father and his pet judge got exactly what they deserved until he was let to have his say in his life and as far as I was concerned he cared less what I wanted from him now I was not getting it until he had his way in his wants. We got to his fathers with sheriffs deputies lights flashing out front, His mothers sister and her husband with his cousins standing out front with most the areas neighbors. He stepped out of the suburban and takes his coat, and shirits off puts his hands on a conestoga wheel he had cemented into their yard he demanded to know who was going to use the wrist ties to tie the uppity slaves hands to the wheel and was his father going to have the guts to use the bull whip hanging on it to teach him his place, There were scares on his back already I did not know how they had happened until years later. I had not known they were made on his back in 1972 by his father and several friends beating him with extension cord. .For not letting several Sophmores have His Position on the football team in his senior year.

        His father felt he had an unfair advantage after spending the Summer In Army Basic and His first school and should have just completed his high school and gone back to the Army, But It caused his mother that 45th birthday to be taken by her sister away in sobs saying he hated his family now. I got home and knocked on the locked door latter and he opened it and slammed it in my face saying go peddle myself elsewhere. He had no more use for a none marriage. We found out that the man that my husband called his fathers pet judge was going to serve 15 to 30 after getting hauled off the bench by the highest law enforcement in the state conservation officers. He ruined a mans life because he was not getting things his way.

        When He developed a brain Tumor in 2001 and was not allowed to take the 60 day sick leave he was authorized, His father felt it was ten times to long. I was slapped to the floor when I tried to stand between him and His son to let his recovery complete I was told that day by huis father If I did not want that to happen again just stay out of the way. Later that fall In November I was told to lock him out of the house so four men could convince him to back off a job> I ended up with my husband breaking my ankle and telling me the next time I tried getting him hurt I would die for it. My husband hated my guts by that point after finding out I had been with a friend of the family in Bavaria. That morning the man I had been with was dying in the yard with three other men. For trying to force him to back off a job bid. Whenever his father and others forced him into work the next 7 years there was always someone ambushed because they did latter. The one year he was tricked into working 2003 it caused the man that did it our church deacon, to lose his family by disclosing his infidelity in front of the congregation on Christmas day 2003. Eventually in 2005 he killed himself. My husband did not care he had caused it.

        THE Last vacation we took without him hurting us over was to Sweden and Denmark in 2006 Instead of trying to see things our way over taking mid winter vacations His father was embarrassed having to open his safe deposit and handing my husband his passport back and having to pay a fine for holding it. In 2009 HE was willing to kill us for canceling his orient Express trip.

        I felt the trade off we were offering of Five weeks in 2010 on the Island of ST Croix. We felt that for 24 years of no holidays and vacations that we could start the time someplace out of every ones hair. He dislocated my Shoulder and tried to kill his father over Europe. In January 2010 he was retired and The Union was laying the blame for his never getting time off on us with Detroit. They wanted him to sign that he would not hold them as the parties that forced him, New protoicols were instituted after his medical retirement, So Many hoops have to be jumped through for Vacation Cancelation. More than two weekends in a row worked and for holiday work.

        No man can get away with working every day and the social structure suffers for it. People miss important events and My husband made sure he’s the only one happy now.

    • Andy Lincoln

      I am unsure if this is related but I am experiencing something with my wife that is troubling me, and she knows it and will not do anything about it. My wife is a cancer survivor, and thank the Lord it is now in remission. Her treatment involved her being isolated at the hospital for over a month and I was her caretaker during cancer battle and now she’s all good and i found out she has been seeing the doctor who treated her because they attended college together. I found this out with the help of a genuine hacker called BirdEye! He gave me access to her texts, emails, social media and even her own personal bank account. Now i dont think i’m ever gonna trust or stand by any woman again in my entire life…You can contact the hacker with (B I R D E Y E dot H A C K at G M A I L dot C O M ). He was the only one that came through out of all the other hackers i tried to hire and his services are cheap and affordable too.!!

  • Michael Hood

    Sounds like there’s a lot of blame placed on guys. Way to go XXXChurch with your extrapolated biblical-reasoning. The bible doesn’t have a lot to say about this kind of thing, but does this stop you guys from coming up with things that the bible may say about it? Nope. It’s good for a woman to initiate sex, just as much as a guy. Or do you think that women are just mindless, passive entities that need to be led into whatever action they have to take? Including with their bodies? Also, if she’s insecure about her body, yeah a guy can do a lot to making her feel better about it, but it isn’t his responsibility to do so. Women, just like men, have personal growth that they must go through. I have enough trouble figuring out how to get through my hangups in life, and it’s just a cop-out to place all the onus on men. You only touch her when you want sex? She doesn’t enjoy it? Maybe, she’s a human just like anyone else, transsexual, men, gay, lesbian. Maybe sexuality is a part of human-ness. Maybe if it weren’t for the shaming of sexuality in the church, she wouldn’t feel as if sex were something to be ashamed of. What about _her_ touching in general or touching when she wants sex?…Oh and by the way, the whole rhetoric about sex being with married couples is backward and sickening. What about Adam and Eve? Were they married? No, really was there a tax document, a ring, a priest, an anything that instantiated their union other than God being there? You’re all stuuuupid.

    • Shelley Schoenrock

      Well, it’s nice to hear from the non- believer side. You do have one thing right, it’s the church who has taught shame. Wanna read a fabulous love making guide? Song of Solomon is the place to start. As a woman of faith, I want a man to lead me, but also walk beside me. Sex within married couples isnt backwards, it’s smart. The sexual revolution taught us one thing, and that is, spreading the disease. We see how that worked out in the early 80’s. Nah, not backwards, smart. Btw, calling someone stupid because it’s not your belief, so lack of confidence in your stance.

      • Michael Hood

        Song of Solomon’s not really a “love-making” guide. More of an allegory of man’s relationship with God. Yeah, there’s the mention of climbing her, how her breasts are like pomegranates, etc. But it’s hardly a guide, and besides I don’t need an ancient book to know how to respond to or be in love with someone or treat them with respect and affection. And you misunderstood what I meant. The rhetoric about sex being with married couple (implying only) is what is backward. Do I believe in marriage? Sure, but not always. I think that it’s not always necessary. And sex with non-married couples doesn’t imply that you’re going to get an STD, as I’ve known people who had herpes from birth. And if the definition of stupid is lacking intelligence or sense, willful ignorance of other positions, facts does fit the behavior of someone who would say what was said in this article. I stand in the position of someone who has stood where you do, and I’ve chosen not to believe. I can respect that you are entitled to have a belief, but I don’t have to respect your belief itself or you for holding it. Impress me. For once. You want a man to lead you? Why? Are you intelligent enough to lead yourself? Do you feel as if you’re doing what God wants you to do by being passive? Are you afraid of the world? I don’t respect a woman or anyone who willfully gives up their power, especially when equality has been won at such high personal expense and social cost. The attitude that a man must always lead is a slight to the intelligence and potential of every woman. This attitude is not a fitting to the reality of the mental makeup of women and therefore right. It is in stark contrast to the reality of the potential of women. It is therefore lacking in it’s acknowledging-depth of fact, and therefore stupid, lacking sense, even willfully so. And anyone who believes such things, propagated by a few authority figures that represent a way of thinking for no other reason than that they exist in the name of God, willfully give up their own reasoning ability, make themselves numb and dumb, and are therefore stupid. You’ve got a problem with that? Think for yourself. It’s not a matter of having an opinion. But having a well-though out opinion in light of all of the facts will determine whether or not you behave intelligently.

        • Shelley White Dove Schoenrock

          Please,don’t mistake my meek demure as a as sign of weakness or being passive. That would be your first mistake.
          After five years of study and a theology degree to show for it, I know where I stand. Behind every strong man, is an even stronger woman, especially one who puts up with disrespect. You speak of respect, yet, your words to me, and your assumptions of me, show clear disrespect for me, as a women.
          Don’t like my opinion, fine, but don’t talk down to me, because I will call you to the mat, every time.
          A woman is made from the rib of the man, closest to his heart. Not his head, to be made lower than him, or his feet to be beneath him, but his heart, to loved and cherished.
          My husband walks a step in front,and I beside him. To protect me, care for me, as I do him. I stand by my man, but again, make no mistake, don’t take disrespect from anyone.
          So please, do as you wish, but don’t assume, because that would be your deathly mistake.

          • Michael Hood

            Demureness is one thing. But I don’t know you. I’m asking rhetorical questions about why you’d subject yourself to such sexist tripe as the idea that women mustn’t lead, even when you say the “behind every strong man, is an even stronger woman.” That’s not an original idea. I’ve heard that before. And you believe that? Do you think that’s validating to women, to you? That’s like saying, “Women aren’t unimportant. Look, even though they stand behind men, they’re important too!” I’m not talking down to you, and I’m not disrespecting you as a woman. If you’ve gathered that, then you’ve missed my intention. I do not respect you though for your hypocrisy. Aren’t you a Christian? Where’s the turning the other cheek? Or are you copping-out of that requirement through the “holy anger” excuse? If I didn’t know what I was talking about and you were secure in your convictions, then you’d just hang your head in sorrow, knowing that I didn’t know the truth and wanting me to know it. You wouldn’t fight back with sharp words. You’d try to get me to understand. From what I see, you don’t even believe these things yourself. That’s why you have to fight back with your flesh, just like “the world” does.

            My whole point is that men and women are equal, in all things: leadership, sexuality, finances, importance, value, respect, being defended, being given credence for their words. In all things. But for you personally, what has your theology degree profited you? Especially since you mention it in discussion as if it could give weight to your words. That’s a meaningless tactic. Where I live, in Florida, it may be different in other parts of the country, I see women who relegate themselves to caretaker, subjected jobs: the legal assistance (why not the lawyer?), the nurse (why not the doctor?). I’m flabbergasted at the inanity of it all.

          • Shelley Schoenrock

            Turn the cheek my dear, doesn’t mean lay down and be a door mat. I would hope you would “get that?” Perhaps not.

            My job is not to “try to make you “understand,” because frankly, nothing will sway you, since you are obviously closed minded to the idea. Your call.

            I am a native American woman, and I also practice native spirituality. In my world, women hold a high place in the tribe. Very well respected. The giver of life.

            Nothing in the Word says women are “unimportant.” That’s your words. Own them.

            Please, you see women relegate themselves to “just” caretaker. Have ever given thought to that perhaps they WANT that role? Many, many years I was caretaker of my home, over 13 years, and still am, even a working part time mom. My “JOB” doesn’t stop when I get home at 3:30. The children, the home, the husband. I enjoyed “MY JOB” as a stay a home mother, and I did/do it well. Not every woman wants that role. I am sure you are one of those whom think being a homemaker is NOT a job!

            Good luck with that. As a homemaker at the time, this meant my children got to see the doctor, attend social events, go to school plays, dramas, after school sports, etc. Without me staying at home, one of us, my husband or myself, would have had to take off work, thus, loss of income or even possibly the loss of a job. What then? See how the roles work there. Hell, even men are becoming stay at home parents. Why? Because the wife makes more, and well, it seems to be working for them.

            There is no SHAME in being a caretaker. Seems you have a problem with that? Why is that?

            Perhaps the legal assistant, medical assistant, nurse, doesn’t want to become those things? Hmm, that’s a thought. Perhaps you should worry less about they want, and worry about what’s going in your life, instead of assuming they aren’t where they WANT to be?

          • Michael Hood

            You’re not a Christian. Native spirituality? Right. Go ahead and get angry. If you self-identify as a Christian and you speak as you do… Someone who takes on the identity of Christ? As a Christian, you should be able to take any level of scrutiny, accusation, or what you would call worldly mind-frames from others without stepping into what you have. I said nothing specifically about standing up for yourself. That’s your own distillation of my intent. It would stand to reason that anyone should stand up for themselves, so to use that as what I meant is rather Schopenhauerian. I believe that people are to stand up for themselves, when they’re right. If they aren’t right, well, they still _think_ they are, and that’s their little delusion. Their perception is their reality. It may seem inconsistent, but it’s not. As a Christian you most certainly are supposed to be doormat. 🙂 You’ve taken on a “new life,” a new identity in Christ, less of him and more of you, it is not I who live but Christ in me, live by the spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh, turn the other cheek, we wrestle not against flesh and blood, they did not know the righteousness of God and sought to establish their own (are you rested in the knowledge of God’s righteousness or are you trying to show me how correct and righteousness you are of your own merit?), the person who does these things will live by them, the acts of the flesh are obvious: …hatred, fits of rage, selfish ambition. Where’s your love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance? It’s like you don’t understand anything about Christianity at all. I’m an atheist, and I probably know about your religion more than you do. No, you aren’t the problem because you’re not a Christian. You couldn’t mix native spirituality with Christianity. You’re a different kind of problem.

            I don’t despise caretakers in general. The idea that every woman or even most women should do that, or that women are nurtured into that role from childhood, that it is right for a woman to be home is wrong. I know women who are brilliant, better at mathematics and science than most men. I do know women doctors and managers. And I tell you, I’ve always found the woman-leader a better leader, in most situations (the exception being one with an anxiety disorder who made my life a living hell, but that’s the quality of a person and not woman-specific).

            You know, it’d be lovely if I could stay at home, not have to fight and encounter the world, cook meals, drive around, shop, look pretty. Oh wait, I _did_ do that for a while, and you know what I found out? It’s kinda great. Because you get the opportunity to better yourself with the arts. You can explore your own skills. You get to be creative. And wouldn’t it be great if I could say that society requires me to be that, to try to guilt and shame others into giving that, to be in a position where I am not accountable for the actualization of my own finances and well-being so that if I didn’t have what I needed I could just ask for it? No, I think that with the individual makeup of a person, ignoring gender, you will find some who are better suited at home to care for it. It doesn’t matter if they’re male or female.

            I have met plenty of women who thought they were entitled to the home-lifestyle, the man-will-care-for-me-and-give-me-what-I-want attitude.

            Women who live in this home-caretaker role will consider themselves equal to the demands of a job because either they have forgotten what it was like to work or they never worked. I once had a job that was horrible and was there for 8 years. I couldn’t even begin to tell you. I’ve thought before that to enumerate the problems would take a small book. Contrast that with the job that I currently have in the same industry. It is night and day, and I love it. However, others around me seem to be miserable. They complain and whine about the time they’re working and anything else. I tell them they haven’t worked in a bad situation. This is actually a _really_ good job. And whatever it is that they’re complaining about is _nothing_. Anyone who stays at home and thinks that it is comparable to working, simply because there are things that you must do in a timeframe with difficulties, has lost touch with reality. You haven’t been in a difficult job. Maybe you can be upset about losing the opportunity for meaningful self-actualization, like college courses, a career, being in a social whetstone that sharpens your mind, etc. Or even you can be upset about being confined at home or to a few tasks. That can make one feel unfulfilled. But you can’t say that being at home is equally comparable or even more so to a job. They don’t match.

            There’s nothing wrong with being a caretaker, except that when you think that simply because of your gender you’re entitled to it. And by “entitled” I mean it is something to be desired because others will support you and you do not have to seek your own resources. I do know stay-at-home dads. I know gay couples where one will stay at home.

            Oh yes, the legal assistant dreamed about becoming that when they were children. There were little Barbie medical assistant playsets. No, the reason that anyone would want to become that is because of one or more of the following: the like the industry, the pay is better than retail/service jobs, they like an office environment, blah blah, but also because they never believed in themselves, they didn’t want to get a higher education. The reason they “want” that is because they never challenged their imagination or were never challenged. Perhaps the doesn’t want to become those things? Grocery store clerk, waiter, groundskeeper, etc.

            Ugh, you’re way off track to the original intent of my posting. My original post was about this: I’m tired of seeing the church, Christian media, men and women laying guilt upon men with the phrases “Be a man!” or “Man up!” or other similar idiocy. Both are responsible for their own self-fulfillment. And it sickens me that such tripe is still propagated within the churches.

          • Shelley Schoenrock

            You are seriously laughable. Being a stay at home was the hardest, more rewarding job I ever had. I had the education, worked damn hard to work AND put myself through school. Don’t assume so much sir. I was a much older mother. 35 years old when my first surprised us. AND, get this, I was putting my six years my junior husband through school. Oh yeah.
            To bad the moms YOU knew were ungrateful. What a shame.
            You know, contrary to YOUR belief, some women actually ENJOY being homemakers.

            My husband did truly love me staying home with my children. He enjoyed coming home, having a nice hot meal ready when he walked in the door. His children all up in his lap. His “lovely” wife, whom not only took care of a 2000 sq foot home, but worked out like a mad dog to make sure he WAS happy when HE came home, and I ENJOYED serving him. Some of us WOMEN actually ENJOY serving our mates. Some of us go back into the work field when our children get older, as I have. Not having to pay over half my income to have SOMEONE else rear my children has been nice. VERY nice.

            My husband gets what he needs and I get all I need. He has ALL his needs met! ALL! Funny how that works.

            Studies show CLEARLY children do much better with a parent who is THERE for them, well, at least in the first five years. No latchkey kids getting into trouble after school. Sitting down to the table every night with their parents, talking about the day, etc.
            Again, its a personal choice. My children no longer need me to be home when they are in school, thus, I work when they are in school. I dont HAVE to go back to work, I choose to. Six hours, five days a week. Extra money and my children get me to drop them and pick them up. Sweet deal. Now, I work because I WANT to, and I am working towards my retirement, as I only have 15 years. I had my career LONG before my children came along. 12 years of my career and a husband who WANTED me to be there when they were young. For me, I was told I would NEVER have children. So…its a blessing for me. Thankfully, my mate supports me in whatever I do.

            Honestly, I am a damn supermom, and proud of it.

            And make no mistake, I am VERY self fulfilled.

            Sorry sweetheart, money cant buy happiness.
            Oh, and btw, while I was staying home, sitting on my ass, as you seem to think we SAHM do, I worked cleaning others peoples houses, and in the span of only 10 years, my eldest daughter, at the age of 15, has her college education PAID FOR, and over half of my 10 year old has hers paid for as well. Oh….but stay at home moms are so sad and antisocial.

            Honestly, I dont care what you think of me, and I dont care you judge me. What you think of me is none of my business. My opinion of myself is all that matters.

            Good day sir. Enjoy your judgement of me, cause frankly my dear, I dont give a damn!

          • rainbow

            I love this! Well said. Being a wife, caretaker, stay at home mom, etc. are probably the most rewarding jobs, and the hardest I’m sure. I’ve never been any of these things because I like the idea of clocking out and being done for the day, it takes a very strong woman to be a caretaker. I know I am not that strong and I love sleep! I am in awe of these woman .

          • Shelley Schoenrock

            One more thing sir, you speak of woman not speaking up for themselves, well, I just did. So now it’s “don’t give me that righteous anger” bit. You can’t have it both ways dear. This is what I mean by your hypocrisy. You want a woman to stand up for herself, yet, when she does, she is, in your words,”Of the world.” ~SMH

      • Michael Hood

        Just thought of something. Besides all of what we’re saying. If you as a woman are turned on by a guy initiating sex, don’t you think that it’s high time for you to reciprocate? Did you know that a guy is turned on when a woman initiates it? That’s not even BDSM. That’s just courtesy, letting someone know what you want, and/or wanting to love him in the same way that he’s output himself. _That_ shows him value and that he’s wanted. You think those’re just qualities of the psyche of women? To be valued, to be wanted? No, men need that too. So everyone get off your passive-because-it’s-what-the-bible-says bull.

        • Shelley White Dove Schoenrock

          Let me further expound on something here, I never said women shouldn’t show their love by reaching out to their mates, first. You are making some clear assumptions here, or, you are invoking some personal experiences into the equations. That’s fine, but learn the art of tactful communication. It’s a must these days.

        • Shelley Schoenrock

          Uh, no one ever I dont initiate. Chill dude! I dont speak for all women, and never said I did. My man is satisfied five days a week or more. Then again, I have a HIGH sex drive. Move along now. I ran a sex site for over 7 years. LOL!

        • Chris

          You sound like a woman. You keep screaming “sexist” because you don’t want to be a man.

    • Brett

      Let me ask you something Mike. Just a question, not saying you are wrong. Who joined Adam and Eve together? Who do you make a covenant with when you and your wife get married? Also, marriages have developed over the centuries to have the big ceremonies, but in fact, back in the old days, it was a matter of a man and a women getting the consent of their parents and taking an oath before God to become man and wife. No documents, no rings, but gifts and an agreement. Sometimes the father would choose the husband for their daughters. So i believe Adam and Eve were married. “And the two became one flesh.” On the other subject of it being all about the man, it does say in the bible for men to lead their wives. My marriage almost fell apart because I was not the head of my household or the man God intended me to be, but when God got ahold of me, he showed me my weakness and faults to correct……..and BAM, we have since renewed our vows and life is great. With God at the center of my marriage and with me leading my wife according to Gods word, my marriage and love life is renewed. So yes, it is on the man as per Gods word.

      • Michael Hood

        Yeah, remove ceremony, remove the formal oath, remove God (I don’t think he exists for one), what you have are two people who are committed to each other with a promise, maybe even hidden without any flair. Think Braveheart but even without the priest. Is that marriage? If so, sure I believe in “marriage,” monogamy. This idea that marriage is some state of being that has qualities to it endowed by a creator or through some ceremony or rite is limiting. One should not even need the consent of parents. I was merely arguing within the constraints that any one of you who believe the bible is a true book would need. And who cares if the bible says if a man should lead their wives (in the New Testament). It also says that women should have their heads covered because the glory of women is their hair (New Testament). Why don’t you follow that? I’m not really saying that you should. I’m trying to point out that the bible, if you want to follow one part, you follow the other parts. But you won’t because you pick and choose. I don’t really think you needed some kind of God-intervention for that. If your wife was taking the reigns and you were not being assertive as a person, then it wasn’t really you not being the man you needed to be, but you weren’t being the _person_ you needed to be. All people, male or female or transgender or anything else, need to have those personal growth points in their life where they stand up for themselves and for what they need. If you’ve conflated this with being a man, I pity the woman in your life because you must view that what she needs to be is a person who will not reach her own actualized self-potential, someone who asserts herself when she has an opinion, seeks her own needs, own gain.

        • Jen

          Michael, I think you are just here to bicker. XXXChurch is a Christian organization. So…if you don’t believe in God, or in the sanctity of marriage…if you believe that this organization is treating women as though we are mindless sheep to be led by our much wiser men and that we don’t see men as people too (which,if that’s what you got from this article, you completely misunderstood)…what are you doing here? You’ve only come to argue. If the organization only raises up anger in you and you can’t agree with what is said…why bother reading it in the first place?

          • Michael Hood

            Because I believe that you are mindless sheep, and I’d wish for your intellectual freedom. You’ve given your intellect over to an institution that seems to have good intentions but actually only diverts the power that you have over your life into things that have no real output. To feel guilty about sex, pornography, desire, liking the human form, being excited sexually about another human being…I won’t. I understand that the article was not _about_ the things that I have contention with, but I do take contention with the underlying mindset. And no, I’m not just here to bicker. But if you can’t handle someone questioning what’s going on, even with anger or frustration, then maybe your ideas need some improvement. I came here because a friend shared this link on Facebook and because I have been in these churches. The rhetoric, the self-bashing, shameful, we-need-to-be-better-men rhetoric that shames masturbation and sexual desires and sexuality is _wrong_ and shameful in itself. You cannot approach a reasonable argument because when anyone points out your hypocrisy you call them out for not playing fair with the methods of argumentation that you thought all civil people should obey. I am tired of this. And I love, sarcastically, how I suppose that you’re a Christian and yet you revert to the base argument-form of questioning why I’m here and arguing to begin with rather than questioning my ideas. Bravo. Real. Intelligent. If I am banned from this website for commenting, then so be it. But know that it was because you couldn’t handle someone really giving some good points. Please. Someone give reason against the content of what I’ve said and not just try to socially shun me.

          • Guest Poster

            Because you didn’t come here with the intent to intellectually stimulate. You came here with the intent to rage against religion. Disrespectful and haughty, and I wouldn’t blame religious people for not considering anything you have to say. You argue out of a sense of atheistic piety, and you defeat your own cause in so doing. You do not deserve any more respect, explanation or consideration than what you have given them.

          • Michael Hood

            I came here to voice my contention with intellectual debate. Garden of Eden. Bible is not a reliable source of knowledge for pretty much anything. Men are treated like god-kings who need to man-up to…life. Women are house-keeping, child-bearers whose sexual expression is the responsibility of men…I don’t see what you’re missing? Piety. Why would I defeat my own cause in so doing? I don’t adhere to the absolute nullification of my sin like you do. I recognize that I’m human and make mistakes. I point out _your_ faults because you think that you can rise above them even when you display the hypocrisy ingrained into your religion. The bible is true. Men are to lead their wives, and women are to be submissive. We are to follow the bible. The bible says that women can’t be pastors and must cover their heads, but because that’s outdated (who gets to decide that?) we don’t have to adhere to that. I’m considered an intentional believer or a backslider with near-disillusionment, a believer who doesn’t quite understand or a believer that is fed up with the church if I speak as I do, and you give me credence and try to explain things. But once I become an atheist, well, you aren’t required to attack my ideas directly, you can dismiss me as an atheist. Good job. Continue.

          • Irfan Khokhar

            There is no real atheist.

          • Chris

            by saying God doesn’t exist
            You are actually addmitting
            His existance. Otherwise to whom are you denying exists?
            Thats right GOD.

          • Henry Kelly

            Somebody give the name of the logical fallacy here, please. I’m too tired to look it up.
            Denying that there’s a nail in my car tire doesn’t cause it to go flat.

          • Michael Hood

            Oh and about the “if you belive that this organization is treating women as though we are mindless sheep to be led by our much wiser men and that we don’t see men as people too” stuff. That pretty much sums it up.

          • mike burkett

            Actually you have no idea what you are talking about. There is a lot of context in the bible that you are missing. Throughout the bible women were raised up to positions of authority by God to do His work. The bible states that women should not be teachers, but again, that was a cultural difference. At the time women were not given the same religious instruction as men, and therefore were not qualified in that culture to teach. As times have changed so does the context in which the words are meant to be taken.
            God commands men to lead their wives as Christ led his church. Christ came not to be served but to serve others and ultimately to give his life. That is what we are called to do. To lead our wives by serving and laying down our lives.
            As for the bible, it has never been proven wrong. Not once. All scientists can ever do is discover the way in which God works. As Christians we believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God. If as an “intellectual” you refuse to believe in it, that is fine, but for thousands of years it has brough light and life to the downtrodden. Millions of people have found peace and encouragement from its words, and countless more have been redeemed by the loving salvation offered by Jesus Christ.
            I pray that God speaks to your heart and that you can lay down the anger that the world and ‘religion’ have left you with and that you can find true joy in a personnal relationship with Christ.

          • 44Grim

            When God raised up women to lead, it was generally a sign that the nation had fallen away from God. The main reason that men were to lead came from Genesis 3, the fall. In fact, any discussion of the fall should include lack of Adam’s leadership because when Eve ate the fruit, he was there with her and allowed her to be deceived.
            I don’t believe that the opportunities that women have today is sin, in and of themselves. That said, our country is so fallen, Biblical guidance is seen as terrible.

          • Michael Hood

            That’s sexist. The creation story and the garden of eden are combinations of other stories from the Sumerian myths. Do you get the analysis of what you’re supposed to glean from the story directly from other people or did you think about that yourself? Oh wait, I grew up in churches. I remember pastors saying that whole Adam-wasn’t-being-a-man stuff. Fallen away from God? When has a nation ever _not_ been “fallen away from God?” The very idea that “things are so bad that women are leading” is so sexist…Can you see that?

          • Shelley Schoenrock

            What is the biblical view of a woman? Is she a man’s equal, his superior, or his inferior?

            Modern extreme feminism places women in authority over men, while traditional Darwinian evolution places women far below men.1
            And since the Bible directs that a wife be in submission to her
            husband, even Christians may wonder, “Is the woman inferior or equal?”

            The Genesis account of God’s creation of the first male and female
            gives a clear picture that is extremely different from evolutionary
            views in our culture. God designed both the man and woman in His own
            image equally (Genesis 1:26–27).

            Adam was created first, but God decreed that it was not good for man to be alone (Genesis 2:18).
            Therefore, God fashioned Eve out of Adam’s rib. The well-known Bible
            commentator Matthew Henry said that Eve was “made of a rib out of the
            side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his
            feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with
            him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

            Equal, with different roles. Not that hard to understand, is it?

          • 44Grim

            You can call it what you want, but labeling it doesn’t make it not true.

            It’s obvious that you don’t believe what the Bible says, and you’re intentionally coming here to agitate, so I’m not going to waste my time.

            But because you’re simple-minded, re-read what I wrote. You twisted my words greatly to fit your infantile thinking and narrative.

          • Michael Hood

            Examples? Instead of just saying I’m wrong? Women raised up to positions of authority…What are you referring to? Yeah women were not given the same religious instruction as men, but if the words that are in the bible were inspired by God and this was a culture that was oppressing women by not giving them an education, wouldn’t the bible say something about women’s equality? But it doesn’t. That’s because it was written by _men_, in the sense that is was written by man and not God and that is was written by males and not females. That’s great that you have a foundation of sexism in your religious belief, the whole Christ laid himself down therefore we are to lead our wives by serving and laying down our lives. What the heck are you saying? Do you even know?? You’re going to lead your wife by serving and laying down your life? Do you mean something like servant-leadership? What qualifies you as a male to do this above females? Don’t you think that there are some females who are more qualified to lead than males?

            The bible hasn’t been proven wrong, not once? Clearly, though you’re on the internet, you stay on christian sites. To the one who knows, that doesn’t sound like you’ve investigated that very fully. The bible has been proven wrong on nearly every aspect. I can’t even…

          • Irfan Khokhar

            Intellect is the source and proof for the existence of God.
            A real intellectual never Denys the existence of God neither he can prove the non existence of God

          • Dave

            Michael, I think you are hurting, I know what that’s like… I have been there. If someone has offended you here I am sorry for that. I hope with all sincerity, that you find God. He loves you whether you believe in him or not, the most amazing moment in your life will be the day you fully realize it. I know that sound trivial, but I want you to know that I say it because I care… I care because I remember when I had similar thoughts as yours. I will keep you in my prayers.

          • M

            Best reply this whole conversation.

          • Dismissal recognition

            The fact that you dismiss his arguments with ad hominem attacks is pretty much telling about your intelectual honesty.

          • Chris

            Dude, quit whining already. These are insights that go way over your head. Why did you do a google search on “my wife won’t have sex with me” if you didn’t want anyone else’s opinion? You are here to bash Christians, not to glean any insights.

          • Tiffaney

            Michael… you say you are here because people who are believers are mindless sheep and you wish for our intellectual freedom… but I don’t perceive that to be the case at all… I think you want your views to be validated but unfortunately you won’t get that from a true believer. You wrote that you don’t believe… Please just consider this… would you rather go through life Not believing in God, despising his word and hardening your heart just to find out in the end that He is real? Or go through life believing in the our Heavenly Father who loves you unconditionally, who wants you to live in Freedom and be with him when you pass on to the next life? Forever and ever in his loving presence! He loves you so much! In Jesus name!

          • Michael Hood

            Who doesn’t want their views validated? I am human after all. Would you rather waste your life believing in God, strictly adhering to an interpretation of an ancient, man-made book just to find out in the end that were nothing but matter, there was no afterlife, and you’ve wasted your life? Look, I grew up in the church. I’ve even been in that place of “closeness with God,” but I just can’t believe in that anymore. I feel as if people like you pity people like me, but it’s also the other way around. It must be nice to believe that no matter how unfulfilled in life one is that there’s always a redemption at the end of it. There is _no reason_ why anyone should believe these things. I think you’re right in saying that I won’t get my views validated from a true believer. A believer, by definition, would be someone who believes. And it seems that the primary way that one’s brain functions when one is a believer is to not be capable of reason, because you believe instead of reason…

          • Irfan Khokhar

            Do you believe what you reason?
            Or you reason out what you believe?

          • You white daddy

            I think Mike boy is mad cuz he can’t get no luv ins lol

          • Michael Hood

            Riight, actually not true 🙂

          • Irfan Khokhar

            Believing in God is beneficial,
            If He really exists, we will be right and not guilty and
            And if He doesn’t exist, no loss.

          • Irfan Khokhar

            All the believer are not perfect. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t believe, or there is no God.

          • Henry Kelly

            And what is your moral foundation? Whatever the legislatures and the courts say, and what the police enforce?

      • Henry Kelly

        The FIRST commandment given to mankind was “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth (with humans).” The prohibition of eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil was the SECOND.
        Adam didn’t bother getting to “know” Eve until after they were evicted from paradise (walled garden). All these two dumbasses managed to do while in the garden was to ignore the first commandment and to trample underfoot the second. THESE are supposed to be our first parents!!! No wonder the world is f**ked up!!!

    • Kara

      Seriously… the bible actually says ALOT about this subject. Like almost the entire book of song of songs is focuses on sex within a marriage and thats not the only part of the bible that discusses this. Speaking as a woman I’m just letting you know that no where in the article does it so much as suggest that women should not initiate sex. I’m a strong ass women who was as independent as a woman can get, so please listen when i say this isn’t sexist or belittling to MY gender in the slightest. Seriously, its like saying a man who opens a door for a woman clearly doesn’t think she can do it herself… OR he’s not a dick and doing something to serve her. If its cook her dinner because your hungry thats ok but god forbid its a taboo like sex. Now its sexist to do something. Its an article written towards sexually frustrated married men. It’s saying don’t bitch and moan that your wife isn’t begging for sex or go off and masterbate because your wife turned you down. Keep going after her. If at first you don’t succeed try try again lol. Yes, your right its great for women to initiate. In fact i probably do it more than my hubby does, but what good is that to a man who wants more sex with a wife who ISN’T initiating. Saying hunny you should get dressed up and proposition me is something I’m fairly certain the men struggling with this problem would welcome with open arms. Same goes for self image. Who is this written for? Men who want more sex. Writing a section about how well your wife should feel good about herself is silly considering the audience. Like I’m a woman so when i read this i can appreciate the target audience and reinterpret according to my situation. I’m not going to complain why “didn’t you write about women who’s husband…” because its an article written to men whose wives do not really like sex. It’s not going to touch every single possible senario. Its 1 article about 1 particular struggle for 1 particular group of people. Like single people are not included in the topic at all. Why are you so hostile towards this one little blog complaining its not the end all considering all things all at once? It’s just odd just that your bringing up entirely different subjects and so angry this particular little essay doesn’t cover unrelated topics….. Ok nm i see why your comment is so angry and kinda complaining about things out in left field. Look church doesn’t shame sex. Some people and some leaders may, but most christian churches don’t at all. I would argue most Parents teach their children to be ashamed. Coming from parents who did not, i can tell you that most churches actually teach sex as a great thing within marriage. Thats not to say some churches do not teach this, but most don’t. They may teach that it is better to have sex within the constraints we believe God has created sex to be within and speaking as someone who did not do those things i now absolutely appreciate and agree with them coming from the other side. You can think its discussing, but honestly that sad. It means you don’t know the kind of sex they are talking about. I’ve had it both ways and sex within the vows of marriages giving yourself to 1 person far surpasses the best sex outside. I’d also like to add that for most christians the paper and ring are meaningless. Marriage within christianity is a vow to that other person in front of God. Thats why our pastors marry us in front of our congregation. Thats why we make a covenant to god then to our partner. So yes adam and eve were married as we determine. The state requires the license and the culture requires the ring. My pastor had a heart attack so my hubby and i weren’t legally married for about a month. Our best friend and one of the most Godly men we know married us in the most beautiful ceremony. Its just that a ceremony. Its the vows to god and to each other than make it a marriage. And god bless. You don’t want to abide by this, you think it sickening than fine. Go do your thing. Why are you trying so hard to turn this into something sexist or whatever. Seriously your angry we get it. Doesn’t change that I’m a christian and i believe it is best for two people to have sex within a heterosexual covenant marriage. Why does that bother you so much. It doesn’t bother me that you disagree.

      • Derek Weidman

        Michael Hood is in his glory here guys. Stop feeding his appetite to debate anyone willing to engage. These type of people aren’t worth your time.

        • Tiffaney

          Derek… He (michael) is worth my time and God’s time. The Lord uses all situations for His Glory. He doesn’t want us to shy away from unbelievers. .. God wants to use us as a vessel for His good works. Michael is worth God’s time and so are you. Never forget that. Ask the Lord to increase your capacity to love others. Amen.

          • John Lawson

            Yes you are so right. God bless you for seeing that side of it. When an unbeliever starts lashing out, it’s because he or she feels a need to seek answers. I’m constantly diss appointed by the reaction our fellow “Christians” give them. It’s just shameful that people get into that mindset of “let’s ignore or shun the unbeliever cause he’s messing up our discussion”. Michael had good questions like “why should it fall on a mans shoulders to bear the burdens of making a woman feel good about herself?” Instead of explaining why that is and how God has intended men to express more love, the people here chased him away….. :/

    • Monica

      To me it sounds like you are making excuses for not stepping up to be a man. You clearly have misunderstood everything this article is about. You also clearly don’t really understand or know the Bible. (that’s ok don’t be angry about it, it’s a hard book to follow. Stick with it though one day that light bulb will click on) the Bible does stress the equality of man and woman and the importance that both roles play in a relationship. I am sorry for whatever women or whoever it is in your life that have made you feel insignificant.. GET OVER IT! we all have issues but the bottom line is when you want to uplift someone else and you can set aside your selfish needs to sort out your own hang-ups first and actually put someone else’s needs before your own then that’s when your hang-ups will disappear. Or you can continue on this angry argumentative path and be miserable. which is just your way of trying to make yourself feel better about the kind of person you are.

    • 44Grim

      Michael, grow up. Reading this, I can tell you think that you’re smart, but you came at this from a snarky point of misunderstanding, and ended it with pure nonsense.
      Who are you to make the claims you have?

      • Michael Hood

        Someone who’s thinking. All we have are ideas, not people, and they stand or fall based on their own merit depending upon how they match reality. Don’t straw-man it.

        • Sal

          MH I fully agree with you. You have taken a very rational and objective position while you opponents speak like brain washed religious zombies. Case in point: Do we really need god? All we need is 6 earthquakes 6 tsunamis & 6 volcanoes to destroy this planet.

        • Ryan G Worthey

          Michael. I really hope you get to read this. I really hope you’ve changed your life around. Jesus was one of the biggest advocates for women rights. I’m not saying he ever said that women should rule over men because he didn’t. However, women were used just as men were. In fact next to the tri-head the most important character in the bible is probably Mary. The one who conceived Jesus. What about Rahab or Mary Magdalene? Do you honestly believe that ancient sumarian men could predict the future better than some of the most brilliant minds/civilizations in history? No.. The bibles truth comes from God. The one who made the earth and the mountains. Don’t be deceived. There’s but one sin to far to forgive and I hope that you haven’t crossed that line. I hope whatever little flame was left in you when making this post is still there and I pray that it turns into a fire. Peace and wisdom be with you, amen.

  • Leslie

    While I’m certainly not against the idea of men focusing on trying to please their partners rather than focusing on just their own sexual needs, but there could be some issues with men becoming fixated on requiring the woman to orgasm. Many statistics (which vary, due to the difficulty of sexual research) say that 30-45% of women have difficulty or the inability to reach orgasm. Some of the reasons you’ve listed here contribute. It’s important that men not pressure their partners to achieve orgasm, as this can make it even more difficult for the woman to orgasm. If orgasm is not easily achieved, a better approach may be to simply communicate and focus on whether or not the woman is enjoying the experience. It is quite possible to be fulfilled and pleasured without reaching orgasm.

    I think my interpretation of biblical leadership in a marriage leans much more egalitarian. Perpetuating the idea of male leadership can make it difficult for some women to initiate sex. Just as you mention how sex can feel wrong when you go from being taught it’s dirty to suddenly permitted, a woman may feel like it is not her place or it is too dirty to initiate intercourse. Women are not often taught (particularly in the church) that sex is something they should want or enjoy. Allowing the woman to have confidence and equal power in other areas of the marriage could benefit their perception of initiating sex. Even just a husband telling a wife that he’s very open to her needs and affirming that it is ok for her to ask (and that she won’t be viewed as dirty) could go a long way.

    As a marriage and family therapist, I love that you’re promoting counseling for many of these issues. That said, please use caution in the way these things are pursued. One of my passions is in the area of trauma, but it takes a lot for a person to be ready to work through past trauma (such as sexual abuse). It make take a very long time before someone is ready to process through that abuse, and it could actually make things much worse for the survivor as they work through those difficult issues.

    • Kara

      i totally have to reassure my hubby thats its just as amazing without an orgasm as it is with one. And i get it. there have been a few times he hasn’t and it can mess with your head! But it still should always be focused on serving the other person. That does’t always require an orgasm.

  • Job

    Umm. Depression. And Anti-depression meds. I’ve been living faithfully with this for 37 years, but it is still irritating.

    • Ben

      Definitely a big issue. My wife’s anti-depressants have zapped her sex drive and ability to climax. We still have sex but it would be nice for it to be beneficial for her physically as well.

  • Samuel

    Dang, I wish I was married so I could have some legit, holy sex.

  • Calienté

    Thanks for the blog

  • Guestie

    There’s one main reason why a woman won’t have sex with her husband. It’s because her complex, overactive mind is thinking about things other than him.

    As a former husband, I don’t have to be a genius mind reader to tell you that women think about things other than sex during sex. Probably a lot.

    In America, we have this culture where whatever women want to do they can do, and we men just have to understand. Whereas men are treated like little boys who have to answer for everything to their wives, and if a man makes the same mistakes a woman does, she will hold it against him forever and ever Amen.

    Women have been conditioned to think of themselves as the Queen Of England ever since they were little girls.

    “Men are dogs.”
    “It’s all about you.”
    “Men are just perverts.”
    “He needs to get over himself.”
    “He needs to treat you like a queen.”
    “Real men lay down their lives for their wives.”
    “A woman is the REAL backbone of the marriage.”
    “Men have pornography problems because they are basically animals.”

    Yeah, and then we get things like … It’s okay for her to talk about other men to her girlfriends, and sometimes in front of her husband. Movie stars, rock stars, politicians …. “Mmmmmmmmmm girlllllllllllllll, did you see how he was rockin that Armani suit”.

    Yeah, okay, wow, just let your man try to even *halfway* notice another woman just by cutting his eyes quickly to the side and he’s in the doghouse for a year or twelve.

    And you know in your minds you have noticed a LOT of other men.

    But you would never tell that to your husband.

    Or maybe you did tell him, when you yelled at him for looking at another woman, because your own guilty conscience didn’t want somebody doing to you what you did to them.

    On a personal note…

    I was married for 3 years and hated, hated, hated being married. I worked 2 jobs, meanwhile my wife did nothing.

    And nothing is also what she did while she was at home. The dog’s food bowl and water bowl were empty when I got home, and she wouldn’t even take the dog out to go to the bathroom, so the dog would be all tightly wound like a spring by the time I got home.

    I’d go to bed and she wouldn’t come to bed. She’d stay on her laptop for 12-15 hours a day, no exaggeration there.

    She started flirting with women online through an online gaming program called WoW. Ignored me when I’d talk to her.

    Her life was totally and completely absorbed in her laptop.

    I had moved all the way across the country to be married to her so she could be near her friends and family.

    So because I was denied and denied and denied and denied, I fell into “the internet trap”. I never had sex with anyone, but I had some emails and stuff on my computer.

    Look, women, let’s get real. If you don’t give your husband sex, he’s going to get it from someone else. Period. End of story.

    You call men dogs? Well, if you don’t feed your dog at home, 20 bucks says he eats food that the neighbors offer. Because you had food for your dog, but you would rather him starve. So since the dog needs to meet his needs and eat, he takes what is freely given to him. Pretty reasonable conclusion.

    So if you don’t take care of home, somebody will.

    You ever wonder why men run off with their secretaries or with some other woman that’s not as attractive as you?

    “Girlllllllllllllll…. i can NOT believe he left me for THAT… at least be with someone better lookin than me.”

    Why did he run off with the secretary? Because a man is programmed to respond to someone helping him. Eve was given as a “help meet” (suitable helper) to Adam.

    Men may not admit it, but they need your help, and love it when you help them.

    So if he ran off with someone, maybe it’s because you gave him coldness, but she gave him help. I dunno. Just thinkin.

    At this point of my life, I have determined I never want to get married ever ever ever ever again. I don’t even know about an exclusive relationship either.

    I gave my wife so much, and then when she found porn on my computer (by the way, she was looking at bestiality videos besides flirting with those women), she used that as an excuse to leave me and go try to start relationships with 3 different women all across the country.

    She decided to leave me. Nicest thing she ever did!!!!! 🙂

    To this day, since fall 2011, I have slightly dated, but I don’t want to be involved with any more relationships. It’s all just bullshit to me.

    I’m not going to be in a situation where someone makes it all about them.

    To be honest, American women, especially Christian women, think it literally is all about them. It’s not equal. It’s all about the women.

    That statement is so untrue, the one that says, “if you want her to treat you like a king, treat her like your queen.” More bullshit.

    I have seen more men treat women like a queen, then get ran all over, than I care to even mention here.

    An American Christian woman’s ego seems to be like a large beast that keeps feeding on compliments, good treatment, free dinners, movies, and a man basically just laying down and saying to her that it’s all about her.

    Oh….. and if you’re going to try that argument about how I don’t know what I’m talking about…. let’s just say I’ve been dating women since the late 80’s, and I’ve also seen a ton of relationships that others have had. I have over 25 years of experience to back up what I have said.

    I will not be in this situation any more where it’s all about her, and men are always the villain, and men need to be challenged, and men need to stand up like a godly man to win a godly woman, and all these other untrue platitudes that do nothing more than to make a man work HIS ass off, while simultaneously teaching a woman she can just sit on HER ass.

    If this means I never get into a relationship ever again, so be it. I won’t do anything beyond dating if this is the way it is.

    It’s time we took the blinders off and stop blaming everything on the man.

    This logic was taught to us since the 50’s, that the woman should dominate and that the man is a piece of trash, and look what has happened to the state of marriage and the divorce rate ever since then.

    People need to wake up and smell the coffee.

    Sick and tired of this.

    Maybe if an American Christian woman could get her massive ego under control, and realize it’s not all about her, life could go a lot better between the two of them.

    • Shelly

      Well I’m a female Single Christian lady. I work 50 + hours a week. I have been single for about 3 years. I am the horniest woman I know. I love sex, I love masturbation. I have abstained from sex for about 4 years ( not masturbation) but i get tired of hearing how married women won’t give it up. If I had the privilege of being married I’d be down for sex whenever… I’ve been in relationships like this and I initiated sex more with those partners than they with me generally.

      Not boasting but I make good money and give God the glory for providing for me. I don’t have an expectation of a man to provide my every need. I see it as a 2 way street. My problem is from looking at me and the way I carry myself as a last you would never suppose me as super horny cause I don’t act it, I’m reserved. In the bedroom I’m totally different. Honestly in my mind one of the main reasons to get married is sex. Love is beautiful but sex is apart of that. I’d want out if a man stopped giving it to me 2.

      • Guest

        some very very lucky man is out there waiting to be blessed by marriage and love with you

        wish more women were like this – i have known a few but very rare

    • Kara

      All i got from what you said was you were a former husband…. Complaining about women does nothing. Seriously. I understand where your coming from, but with an attitude like that your exactly like the women your complaining about. Instead of focusing on what you as a man can do because lets face it you can only control you our complaining and blame shifting. I believe it is not only a duty for a wife and husband to always sexually gratify your spouse if it is physically healthy to because we are told to serve each other, but we should always welcome them with joy and love. Now its not going to always be like that, but saying things like women always do this or always think about that. Im married and I’m definitely the one who is always wanting sex and there are a lot of us. However i am also a sexual abuse victim and ya being raped effects sex. Seeing as a lot of women are sexually assaulted ya its a real reason. There were times i couldn’t have sex without freaking out. I’am also an abuse victim. Its a real reason. They aren’t excuses. So many women have been in bad relationships that scarred them or bad childhoods that effect them and especially with regards to sex. For most women you have to work to achieve an orgasm and for many sex is shameful. They have been taught that men only want you for your body (thats true a lot of the times), your only as good as you look, sex is dirty, its sinful, wait wait wait. Then it comes to actually being married and they are filled with the ideas sex is shameful. Even women who have had sex before have a hard time accepting this sex with my husband is blessed by god. Its been taught its carnal lust and now oh enjoy it. I was blessed with parents who were not like that at all, but even still that stuff would pop up periodically. Our culture bombards flawless slutty women around us constantly showing us what “good sex” should be and we go in the total opposite direction being modest, not focusing on being sexy and abstaining. Then they get married and down the line sex isn’t connection. Its an uncomfortable 5 minutes between cleaning up and falling asleep. Its not her fault men orgasm in 2 seconds and women take 20 if nothing breaks their concentration if she is even able to vaginally. Seriously, belittling serious issues that a wide array of women and men actually deal with is not the way to behave in marriage. And even if a wife is in sin and is doing what you say, complaining to here does nothing. Finding ways to serve and prayer is always the way to deal with anything in marriage. Being right isn’t a priority in marriage serving is. Let god deal with a disobedient woman or man we can just focus on our own actions because there is always more we can do to be a better wife or husband. What does complaining accomplish but to stir up anger and bitterness? There were times my husband was not interested in sex and it was frustrating, but bitching at him did nothing but make the problem worse. Ya he was being disobedient. It was him. He was totally in the wrong. So what. I’m still his wife and i still serve him regardless of his actions. God is God and he will sort it out and He did lol. Thank you jesus! So not fun haha

    • Kara

      upon listening to you there is definitely a problem and it wasn’t all your wife. Love is a choice. You choose to love and to hate. Most people tell me and my husband we are insane for being together because we have both done horrible things to each other in the 15 years i’ve known him. Things i didn’t thing were possible. I can guarantee that my husband did far worse things to me than your wife did. But we are all sinners. Im no better than my husband or you or your ex-wife. And we are all in need of christs love and we are commanded to love people the same way in return. Now that means doing whats best for someone and not always what they want and that can lead to divorce and situations like yours where the other leaves, but if you hated the marriage and everything that you said than do you honestly believe it was just her. Can you say you were in the right when you hated your own marriage? Your wife? Now maybe you look back and were saying it just sucked, but you were trying during were trying your damnedest. However, if while you were married you were thinking i don’t want this, do you think thats ok? Regardless of all the shit my husband has done i have no control over him. I only control myself. I can pray, forgive and act in love. thats it. I can’t make him do anything and luckily i don’t need to I trust God. He sees and everything that happens happens for our betterment 🙂 Sorry you just seem angry and bitter. Im sorry she did that, but remember we are all sinners and we all hurt each other so we have to love our spouse unconditionally like christ loves us. We approach each other as God approaches us not based on how they act.

    • Shelley Schoenrock

      You say you will NEVER get married again, because you had such an awful experience.
      Well then, you have just given the power BACK to her. Congratulations, she wins.

      You have made a lot of general comments. Not all American Christian women have “egos!”
      I realize you have been hurt, but the victim mentality seems to have left you cold.
      Really too bad, because you may never find anything more than “friendship” because you are obviously carrying tons of baggage.

      Good luck to you!

    • michelle

      I’m sorry that you feel this way & have had this experience with women. I have seen this truth though: since the arousal of feminism I think some women have the need to feel superior. But before that the theme was a lot that the man was superior. I find what works best in our household is when we are both seen as equals that both have strengths in different areas. The more we fight & our relationship suffers is when we try to get in competition with one another or one spouse tries to act superior to the other. You even have to be careful with “the man is the head of the household” because that Scripture can be used & abused. I heard it best said once is what it means is that ultimately the man is the one that is responsible for the final decision. God left the man in charge. I see if I’m trying to lord over him too much & trying to make the final call, God just tells me to let it go. I don’t think it’s sexist. And we still see each other as equals. But that’s just how God designed it to work.

      I have seen this “Queen” mentality you are talking about, even in Christian marriages, & it makes me very sad. I’d like to teach all couples to love & respect one another & treat eachother like equals; best friends. Marriage can then be magical & extremely fulfilling. Please don’t give up these women do exist!! 😉

      And I take a class for women who’s husbands have had affairs or who struggle with porn. The class teaches me that it’s never a woman’s fault if the man cheats or looks at porn. But I disagree with that. I whole-heartedly believe that if a man isn’t getting emotionally & physically fulfilled at home he will look elsewhere. That isn’t always the case but we as women can be to blame. But what makes me give my husband all the more grace is that he doesn’t BLAME me for his struggles!! It’s easier for me to take responsibility if he’s not blaming me because the “blame game” only gets the other partner on the defensive & feeling attacked.

      I also am comfortable if every once in a while my husband tells me randomly that he finds another woman attractive. If this makes the wife “flip out” I think she has a deeper insecurity issue. I think this goes back to the fact that my husband & I are best friends. A relationship with a best friend is a great thing to have & we can laugh & joke about a lot of things.

      I wish you the best of luck & hope that someday you find a woman that wants to be your best friend.

  • Karl

    When I was married my wife refused to have sex unless she initiated it.

    • NYGUY38

      So in other words you had a normal marriage when it came to sex. I bet she wasn’t initiating more than once every 6 weeks.

  • Señora

    This is all good info but i get annoyed because everyone ALWAYS goes on about how women dont care about sex and men do but my relationship is opposite and i wish i could get advice or know there are others like me out there. I am the one always wanting and he always has the excuses rejecting me 🙁 — ( and no he’s not cheating on me) i think its because he works a crazy long hour job, but still…

  • biz

    Thanks, Craig. Great, insightful and practical post! Sex in a covenant relationship is wonderful and should only get better the longer we are married. Your post helps me see clearly ways in which it can falter and how I can address those moments when they occur – love the ‘stop keeping track’ part – that helps in just about everything!!

  • jon

    Too graphic for a christian site that seeks to protect young and old. Lots of truth but you need to exhibit more maturity and discretion.

    • Dave

      This was my first time reading this blog though I use the software on my laptop. I also found the blog needlessly graphic. The references to sexual positions are unnecessary.

  • Andyonomus

    Hmmm, my wife and I practically have no sex life. We agree its from her side. I initiate every single night and i get turned down most of those nights. I don’t do porn but I often lie awake unable to sleep with thoughts of cutting myself just to make the pain stop (I haven’t started doing this habit). The reason is that sex hurts her. We went to the gynecologist and she gave my wife very expensive medication that she won’t take. I try foreplay and she shoots me down everytime. As far as we know, there is no abuse history and we were each others first time sex partners (and that was in marriage). I see no solution. I try hard to show her love in her love languages and in creative ways and she often acknowledges that she know I love her, but nothing changes sexually. And the times between sex get longer and longer. Generally speaking, talking to her about sex is also futile as it often lands up wrong. If I write to her that goes pear too. It’s become the forbidden topic. Also she is uncomfortable about her body. I tell her daily that she is beautiful and she says she isn’t. She says I’m crazy. What more can I do? Even dates and expensive dinners do nothing to ignite a spark. I’m out of ideas. God knows how hard I try and fail almost every time.

    • PowerOfPrayer

      This sounds like a spiritual battle that needs to be fought to me. Satan knows that a healthy sex life is one of the most unifying aspects of any marriage, so he often times does everything he can to get us into bed before marriage, and out of it once we are married. As a married man myself, I can’t imagine how difficult and defeating this situation must be for you. It sounds like you are trying to do all the right things from a worldly perspective, but what I haven’t heard you say is how you hard you are praying for your wife to be freed from this. Maybe you are praying for her. I certainly hope that is the case. My best advice is for you too commit yourself to fall on your knees and cry out to God for your wife’s deliverance and your endurance and love continually until He answers you. Enlist some other Godly and discreet men and women who you can trust to do the same, and then watch God move in your lives and marriage! Go read Luke 18:1-8 and then Luke 11:11-13 and pray these promises over you and your wife. As a man and a husband, you are called to stand up and fight for your family, and that is exactly what your wife needs from you right now, even if she doesn’t yet realize it. I’ll keep you both in my prayers! Stay strong in the Lord my friend and in the power of His might.

      • Andyonomus

        What you have writes PowerOfPrayer is spot on, God inspired and completely resonates with my inward man. Truth is that I do pray about the situation. Sometimes a little and sometimes it consumes my entire prayer time. I see some failure in my prayers at times. My prayers have been a mixed bag,from “Lord help me to accept that our relationship doesn’t do the sex thing” to “Lord help me to be more loving and show her love and win her” to prayers about God speaking to her about the matter and to God providing friends for her that she can open up to about this (girlfriends). But praying for deliverance isn’t something that I have prayed for and I see and agree with you 100%. What ur letter also said to me, not your Letter but God through your letter as you didn’t say this but it prompted my heart in is direction, was that if satan wants to keep me up all night and fill my mind with bad thoughts, I guess being up is a good opportunity to use that time to pray for her deliverance and even to pray for the needs of others around me. Letting the principle of what satan intended for bad, let God transform for good. Thank you very much. May God bless you. What you have said brings renewed life and encouragement and is truly a word in season. Thanks a million.

  • van

    I Loved the article it was correct. That sounds like Man who has taken the time to listen to his wife. I am a.woman and.completey agree.

  • Amanda

    I think this article has some good points, but I still think it totally missed the mark. It leaves out one HUGE important factor – Where was the discussion and where are the tips for meeting the emotional intimacy of each spouse before fulfilling physical intimacy? I think it is the biggest missing factor in most sex talks. This article talks about making the woman feel beautiful and desired and sexy. That’s all fine, but if she doesn’t feel valued as a human, then telling her she’s beautiful and sexy is still objectifying her and making her no different than the porn star she can’t live up to. Tell your spouse that you value her, that you appreciate the things she does and the PERSON that she IS. Those are also the things that can make a woman feel beautiful and sexy – and they are far more important than her physical beauty. While I agree with the “get away from porn, get with your wife” bit then author writes about, his last line ruins any of the good points he almost made.

  • Dave

    The beginning of the article states, “Most men can get over
    things pretty quickly.” That just isn’t true. How quickly people “get over things” isn’t based on gender but on many different factors in someone’s life and temperament. I know many men who take a long time to “get over things”. There are too many statements and assertions in this article that rigidly categorize men and women. There is much variety among men and women. We need not feel put into a box regarding our temperament or sexual desires.

    • Ginger

      I totally agree with you on this. This article and it’s counterpart make some very poor generalizations of men and women. I feel this was also thrown together. How fast people get over things DOES depend on a lot of different factors. It isn’t merely a gender trait. This implies that women are overly emotional basket-cases while men are strong, macho, manly men. A lot also has to do with childhood, maladaptive ways of coping, like stuffing feelings, and LOTS more. My husband will blow up in a rage, storm off, and come back saying “I’m over it.” He is always saying how he gets over things quickly. But he will often be secretly angry for months. He has a lot of stuffed feelings that may surface 6 months down the road and bring up some perceived injustice that I barely remember. Maybe this is what the author means. It’s easy to bottle up feelings as a quick fix to get over things. It’s much harder to deal with the actual problems as they arise.

  • Chris Burke

    Very happy to say, after 10 years of marriage, and 2 kids might I add (5 and 3).. And dated for 7 years before that (true high school sweethearts.. I was in grade 9, she grade 10) so we’ve been together for 17 years… My wife and I still have a very active sex life.. We both know that it’s important to make sex a priority.. So we do.. And even 10 years later, sex is still lots of fun for us.. New stuff all the time.. It’s important to not get boring.. It’s also important to not make it a routine “every Tuesday night” sort of thing.. It’s important to make things spontaneous.. Maybe you’re out on a date, and decide to pull over.. Whatever.. We just believe that it’s important to stay active. We also talk about it with friends.. Just certain friends…Not in a weird way.. But we have other friends and we all hold each other accountable.. To make sure that we’re staying active with our spouse.. We don’t talk about details or anything (though I think the girls might).. But the guys just ask each other every now and then how things are.. And we’re honest with each other.. It’s not like a locker room.. Ultimately though.. Stay active.. And fight naked!

  • Walk_85

    #1 reason I don’t want to have sex with my husband: He claims he always “enjoys” the sex we have in the moment but at a later time, he will me how I can better perform and sometimes I just don’t do it for him because I don’t do certain things he sees in porn. Maybe if I didn’t have to “compete” with porn, I would be more willing to initiate and actually want to have sex with him.

  • Don’t judge

    Married for 8 years….our sex life is very active. However, my husband could have even more sex if he would stop treating me like a piece of meat. I’m glad he’s attracted to me. But I am a woman with feelings and I would like to feel like I’m more than a sex object. Show me romance. Anything. I do everything for my husband in the bedroom. I just wish he’d put MY sexual needs ahead of his own now and again….

  • misty

    hell no none of it pertains tome

  • arhusband

    #8….I always must initiate….she says its the mans job….for me, two thee, four times a week would be ideal…wife….not interested…..don’t even attempt initiation during the week….fri,sat, or sunday night…’s like playing a cards….

    as for men the longer they go the more they want it….true……but a starving man will wolf down a five course gourmet meal instead of savoring it…..

  • DW

    So why would a man prefer to masturbate rather than make love to his wife?

    • NYGUY38

      They don’t. The wife is never interested.

  • Smith

    Question for the author: has your sex life been hot all 15 years? Or did it suck for some years. I’ve been married 6 years and it’s been down hill since day one. I’m wondering if there is hope…?

  • psychnurse

    I dont see any posting or comments regarding a lack of sex in a marraige when the husband isnt putting out! This is an issue as well.

  • Can’t take anymore

    What do you do if you have a man that you’ve been married to for 2yr and you haven’t had sex with because of him in almost 4months and you don’t know what his problem is. He seems to get light headed during sexual activity and when you stop and he recovers he never starts back he just goes mos and mos with out any intimacy at all and I’m at the point of no longer wanting to be here what do I do?

  • Dasugo

    Guys aren’t stupid. We are just wired differently.

  • HappyAtheist

    Well Michael has thoroughly succeeded in making us non-believers look bad. Look, not that I have to justify anything about my beliefs, but we’re not all like that. As a female atheist, I somewhat enjoyed this article. Like all christian marriage advice that I read, I simply skimmed over the “bible says…” parts and just took in the real-world advice. I saw nothing sexist about this article, considering the fact that it was written BY a man FOR men. It was giving advice on what they could do differently to help their sex life and make their women feel more comfortable about sex. I don’t know how anybody could think that is wrong, backwards, or sexist. I have read plenty of articles like this that were written by women, for women. They said similar things! That we women should try to initiate sex more, that we should let them know how sexy our men are so they’re more confident in pleasing us, etc. Giving advice to one gender is not being sexist against the other. Marriage is a two-way street. Both partners must serve each other and work do whatever they can to show their love and respect for each other. This article just shows MEN some ways they can do this. It never said WOMEN were not allowed to do the same things.

  • David

    God bless everyone. Paul said that Marriage is honorable among all and the bed undefiled. I think we forget the big picture in all of this. When my car has issues, I take it to a mechanic for he knows how the car operates. When we have sexual problems in our marriage, the first person to go to is the author and originator of marriage, GOD. He knows our make up better than we know ourselves and cares about and get involved in every details of our lives whether physical, spiritual, psychological, financial, or sexual. For some reason I think that some people believe that when they are in bed with their spouse that God calls one of the angels over to pull out a big curtain so him and the angelic beings would not look (all angels close your eyes, this x-rated material) and wait until they are done then remove the curtain or that when they are in bed that the Holy Ghost leave, then come back when they are done, WRONG!! The Lord said in Matthew 28:20 : “behold I will be with you always until the end of the world.” God not only cares about every brim of hair on top of your head but also your performance in bed, though that is part of his permissive will for you. That is why in our glorified body, sexual organs will not exist nor will we be given to marriage,but while we are in our “dead, made by will of man, must be put to death, full of lustful desires, constantly fighting the will of God” body, we have been given the permission to enjoy sex within the boundary of marriage. One question I would like to ask everyone who does not feel satisfy in bed with their partner, before you both get in bed, do you pray and invite God to take away any selfish motive and interest, absurd ideas that you both might have had that the sexual act can be acceptable before God? Not because you are married means your sex life is acceptable before God, remember, the bed must be undefiled. Today the marital beds are without Christ but full of worldly ideas and lustful/sodomite spirits. Listen, if you keep sleeping with your wife and you do not love her unconditionally as Christ loves the Church and gave his life for it, you only have a concubine which was nothing but a legal prostitute in the Old Testament; she is being pimped. Love must be the driving force of sex. Now, speaking from experience, I tend to satisfy my wife more vice versa when I/we pray and invite God in what is about to take place just before it takes place. We are both very satisfy then compare to when we just jump up in bed. The bible said in whatsoever you do (including sex) whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus Christ to the glory of the Father. We must glorify God even in our sex life. If there is a problem, which is a solution misunderstood, get down on your knees, confess your sins to one another then go before the throne of God and ask for his help. Listen if it takes some sexy lingerie to get you(men) going, you just got yourself a personal stripper,and at the end of the session she should get paid, HOLINESS must transpire even in our bedroom. We ought to be a Christian everywhere including our bedroom. The God in you does not stay outside your bedroom door then come in when you are done, he goes in with you unless you have willfully decided to keep him out by having the things of the world in your bedroom, by defiling your bedroom, sex toys, stripper heels, fetishes, worldly positions etc… Nowadays Christians don’t look to God in prayer for answers to their problems but unto carnal men which in return give them carnal advice from hell. This is the advice I can share with you, if you have done your partner wrong confess it, then forgive one another, then just before you go in bed to enjoy one another, PRAY, believe you me, unselfish prayer works 100 times better than VIAGRA, with no side effects or risks. The Bible said the prayer of a righteous man avail much. Bring The Lord back in your marriage bed for he careth for you but do you care?

    Great Job Graig for this blog.


  • L-T

    What about helping with the house? Nothing turns a woman on like a moped floor

    • michelle

      That is true… but we all have different “love languages.” If my husband does a random chore around the house after working outside the home all day? You bet I’m excited & very much appreciate it! But words seem to speak to me even more. Him taking the time to talk to me after a long day shows me that his focus is on me & that he really cares about me.

  • David Manigat

    God bless everyone. Paul said that Marriage is honorable among all and the bed undefiled. I think we forget the big picture in all of this. When my car has issues, I take it to a mechanic for he knows how the car operates. When we have sexual problems in our marriage, the first person to go to is the author and originator of marriage, GOD. He knows our make up better than we know ourselves and cares about and get involved in every details of our lives whether physical, spiritual, psychological, financial, or sexual. For some reason I think that some people believe that when they are in bed with their spouse that God calls one of the angels over to pull out a big curtain so him and the angelic beings would not look (all angels close your eyes, this x-rated material) and wait until they are done then remove the curtain or that when they are in bed that the Holy Ghost leave, then come back when they are done, WRONG!! The Lord said in Matthew 28:20 : “behold I will be with you always until the end of the world.” God not only cares about every brim of hair on top of your head but also your performance in bed, though that is part of his permissive will for you. That is why in our glorified body, sexual organs will not exist nor will we be given to marriage,but while we are in our “dead, made by will of man, must be put to death, full of lustful desires, constantly fighting the will of God” body, we have been given the permission to enjoy sex within the boundary of marriage. One question I would like to ask everyone who does not feel satisfy in bed with their partner, before you both get in bed, do you pray and invite God to take away any selfish motive and interest, absurd ideas that you both might have had that the sexual act can be acceptable before God? Not because you are married means your sex life is acceptable before God, remember, the bed must be undefiled. Today the marital beds are without Christ but full of worldly ideas and lustful/sodomite spirits. Listen, if you keep sleeping with your wife and you do not love her unconditionally as Christ loves the Church and gave his life for it, you only have a concubine which was nothing but a legal prostitute in the Old Testament; she is being pimped. Love must be the driving force of sex. Now, speaking from experience, I tend to satisfy my wife more vice versa when I/we pray and invite God in what is about to take place just before it takes place. We are both very satisfy then compare to when we just jump up in bed. The bible said in whatsoever you do (including sex) whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus Christ to the glory of the Father. We must glorify God even in our sex life. If there is a problem, which is a solution misunderstood, get down on your knees, confess your sins to one another then go before the throne of God and ask for his help. Listen if it takes some sexy lingerie to get you(men) going, you just got yourself a personal stripper,and at the end of the session she should get paid, HOLINESS must transpire even in our bedroom. We ought to be a Christian everywhere including our bedroom. The God in you does not stay outside your bedroom door then come in when you are done, he goes in with you unless you have willfully decided to keep him out by having the things of the world in your bedroom, by defiling your bedroom, sex toys, stripper heels, fetishes, worldly positions etc… Nowadays Christians don’t look to God in prayer for answers to their problems but unto carnal men which in return give them carnal advice from hell. This is the advice I can share with you, if you have done your partner wrong confess it, then forgive one another, then just before you go in bed to enjoy one another, PRAY, believe you me, unselfish prayer works 100 times better than VIAGRA, with no side effects or risks. The Bible said the prayer of a righteous man avail much. Bring The Lord back in your marriage bed for he careth for you but do you care?

    Great Job Graig for this blog.


  • Austin

    My wife actually showed me this article this week and said it really opened her eyes. She wanted me to read it and after I read it I busted out laughing. Every husband goes through this with there wife. All the tips in this article I do everyday and it gets me nowhere. If a woman doesn’t want to have sex nothing is going to change her mind and guys are sterio typed to be pigs and nothing is going to change that. My wife isn’t going to change anything from reading this article. As I would imagine not may other women have either. It really sucks for the husbands because we’re in a no win situation.

  • michelle

    Craig… I would like to start out by thanking you for taking the time to write these articles for all of us. I have been married for 11 years & just within the past year I am learning how to enjoy sex with my husband. We were wrongly intimate before marriage & counting other relationships I was in so I can relate to #1 & #2. I think there’s a real religious problem in the church that makes sex out to be something bad instead of something to be enjoyed. For 10 years of my marriage I would have guilt about sex & feel dirty. Why is that?? I am thankful I am learning thru my new church that God created us to be passionate about Him, our life, the lost, & our spouses! If we are religious & just taught to follow the rules, it makes it as though feeling passionate is a sin. I think if some Christian men & women loosened up a bit in their marriage they’d be amazingly surprised!! It took my husband having an affair to make me see how I had put up a sexual wall with him all those years. God used the affair to awaken something in me. Lets not get on the defensive people. Craig has some great advice here for the men & women to improve our marriages. Lets stop being lifeless & stale Christians. God made us ALIVE. Lets start acting that way!! Thx again Craig!

    P.S. Can I add my own?

    ..#9 Emotional Foreplay…
    We both had a long day. We have both given our best energy to our kids at home or at our job. He comes home disconnected & immediately wants to be on his iPhone. I want him to verbally engage with me, ask me how my day was, etc. Not only does he ignore me, but later resents me for not being a seductive goddess. He expects me to somehow seduce him while he is ignoring me for the iPhone & the fact that he has spent ALL DAY giving his best energy for others, & then he can’t save some of that emotional energy for me?? I am tired out of my mind & my spouse who is ignoring me somehow expects ME to muster up the energy with a surprise-attack- crazy- sex-seduction?? Probably not happening. I need you to ENGAGE with me totally. I know you have your own way of unwinding at the end of the day, but after that if you want to have sex, you need to engage with me too in the ways that make ME feel loved!! I am human, your WIFE!! Not just a sex toy to turn on or off at will! And it can be a quick back rub & a sincere “I love you.” Just something to know that you want us for more than JUST our bodies. 😉 Yeah you’re too tired to talk but I can’t be too tired to be physical??

    …#10 Pain…
    I had a friend once tell me that sex with her husband had been painful for the past 15 years but she didn’t tell him! No area of marriage will work without honest communication! How can 2 people fully engage sexually without honesty?!

  • VirtuouSol

    This article is right on time with a discussion we were recently having with other couples. It is so easy for us women to place or sexual relationship with our husband on the back burner with so much other stuff going on in life. After many arguments, my husband and I finally started seeing the benefits of a healthy sex life. I have found that frequency has made it easier to discuss things with my husband, and to even get him to help out around the house! 😉 It has made me more aware of his feelings towards numerous things & has kind of given me an outline on how to approach certain topics with him. We do not argue anymore, yet we have disagreement that we are now able to talk about as adults without the irate behavior. (Our arguments were fierce!). I’m not gonna lie, getting to this point took a lot of sacrifice on my part initially, but the more we came together, the less I had to sacrifice. Sex is now enjoyable for the both of us, life has so many more brighter days, & I can definitely attribute it to a healthy sex life.

  • Mike Childress

    I can never get anyone to touch this. My wife had a cancer related hysterectomy 12 years ago and cannot take hormones and has absolutely no desire for sex.

  • Tasha

    I am 28 and have worked in the sex industry for about ten years. I hate the “don’t stick it in her butt” joke. It hits home! My SO is obsessed with it and I won’t give it to him just because of that. How normal was it for men to want anal or try to stick it in your butt twenty years ago? I am convinced this is directly related to watching too much porn. Porn definitely isn’t real.

  • Tarzan

    Sounds like too many women are bitter, unforgiving, more concerned about themselves than giving. If a man has to beg or bow down and just loving their wife with gentle tender care, then the woman is not worth it.

  • Miss G

    For me is nr 3 and 4 and other reasons. It’s hard to have sex if you are not feeling for it, is not enjoyable. Sometimes I would just love to sit there and cuddle up rather then having to undress for his own pleasure. Also the fact that he has broken your trust before makes it another reason for you not wanting to get intimate (as you’ll never know where he has been before).

  • godskid28

    As a female that has gone through sexual/human trafficking and survived this article hit almost everyone of my issues in the head. I am receiving counseling for P.T.S.D and R.T.S(rape trauma syndrome) and was actually married for 13 years before I realized major issues that marriage couldn’t solve.Guys in my past are 3 things when I tell them my past…# 1 overly disgusted….even though it wasn’t my fault,mentally they still just see me a prostitute..#2 sexually stimulated…they see this as a “sweet!!!! ” she knows positions and loves sex and #3 and this guy has I have seen less then a handful of times and have been great friends but nothing else and that is the completely understanding and would have my back anyday but wouldn’t want me on my back(not attractive to me) But I honestly know that my guy is out there and EVERY guy needs to read this…not just hubby’s 🙂

  • FedUp

    This article is such nonsense. Every relationship is different. Glad you’re satisfied buddy but many people aren’t and your words are ignorant at best and extremely prideful to boot. Here’s a novel idea: Forgive her for not satisfying you and love her anyway like Christ loves the church. Period.

  • Patti Vogt

    So what do you do when there is a medical condition that prevents the man from having any intercourse. The wife is willing. The man can not. What about that.

  • krammit

    i’d bet hygiene should be on that list

  • chelbo2u

    Forgive the cliche, but you nailed it. This should be required reading before marriage. It would save a lot of people a lot of trouble. (Probably save a few marriages, too)

  • Truth&LoveWin

    Yep, #4 & 5 will definitely improve the experience for both parties, it’s a win-win.

    Related to #6
    Here is a BIG one, broken trust. If your wife can’t trust you in other areas of your life like finances or you have lied about porn or even insignificant things, she most likely won’t trust you with the most intimate of acts. A time of confession and clearing the slate may be in order.
    Own it, apologize, “I am sorry I (name it), I realize it made you feel (however it made them feel), Can you please forgive me?”, and repent.
    Pray for healing and work to rebuild trust. This could be a huge road block to sexual intimacy with your spouse.
    Another problem if you have viewed porn, she may be wondering in the back of her head, “Is he thinking of me while we are having sex or someone else?” Or if you suggest a different position or technique, “Is this something he thought up himself or saw in a porno?” These are battles that may be waging in your wife’s mind, you can’t control her thoughts, but can pray for her thought life. Praying for intimate and satisfying marriages for you all.

  • MohawkMary

    You wrote something very, very damaging to healthy, normal, emotionally well adjusted women all over the world: “Just so you know, the longer men go without sex, the more they desire it, and the longer women go without sex, the more they don’t need it.” It’s 2015. News flash: Women have sex drives. MOST women have sex drives. You need to stop assuming this horribly wrong misconception about women’s sexual needs. The longer most women go without sex, the more then consider having an affair (cheating). Or, stepping out too often with men they barely know, because the man who they care about thinks “She has no need for it.” This HAS to stop being the assumption about women. Women might behave differently, and not act as men act after a long period without sex, but that is not nearly the same thing as “they don’t need it.”

  • Zachary Barnett

    Guys you need to read all the signs, walk on egg shells, except don’t… be a man. But then don’t… Women, just be the butterfly you are until he becomes the prince you want him to be. Men be alpha…but don’t… And be Beta..kinda…just find that perfect balance between the bachelor and chuck Norris.
    Seriously this is ridiculous. I use sarcasm because the advice and opinions of those NOT in the situation pretty much are dung. If guy A is Superman and his wife doesn’t want him sexually, don’t give advice on what the guy needs to do to change.
    We have to be sooo careful not to be schovinistic (sp). Why? When women like this mislead men to into marriage? That’s not love, its pain… Confidence crushing, belittling, humiliating. literally the worst emotional feeling a husband can go thru. No that’s not love, it’s whatever entitled modern society faux happiness American dream being sold to women in entertainment media. I’m sry, obviously there’s some hurt and bitterness in my words, but after looking through these post and articles for weeks the ONLY legitimate piece of advice I’ve seen is prayer. No dood wants guilt trip sex, so writing letters to sound vulnerable or picking a time during the day to put the Hammer down (no pun intended) for the way things are going to be…isn’t going to work… I guess it could make for good drama tho?
    I’m in the situation and can say there is no solution other than Prayer and hoping things change. How discouraging to hear these men deal with this for decades… :-(.

  • JohnnyMac

    Just coming to this discussion looking for advice. Sadly I find none. Articles like these are usually centered around how the guy is wrong.

    If sex is a two way street it implies that part of the responsibility sits with the wife. The guy may chase but the woman has to want to be caught. Otherwise there’s no point.

    So my situation. I’ve been married for about 16 years now. We’ve been through a lot. I was in the military for a while and we have been separated by geography for good periods of time and still we stuck by each other. Our sex life was great up until we had kids then it went cold…and I mean cold. In fact a lot changed.

    Flash forward to now. I find her more attractive today then I did when we first met. My wife doesn’t like me to touch or hug her. A hug for her is a pat on the back. For kisses I get pecks on the cheek. It wasn’t always this way. We have negotiated sex to be twice a week on certain days…miss a day and we. (Or I) have to wait. And that happens often as she is tired or wore out (my wife has very little bandwidth and denies it…she gives her all to everything and leaves me with nothing). Sex is something we do because she has to…her words not mine.

    I’ve had to turn parts off of myself in order to not go insane. I might be the only guy in the word that likes holding hands holding my wife in bed or just touching while watching tv. It doesn’t matter if I get turned on because I know (in theory) I’m going to have sex sometime that week…actually I don’t which makes it kind of a despartition thing. But the idea is there that it doesn’t matter.

    I don’t buy the whole emotional state of either party either. Women are just as sexual creatures as men. By saying there has to be a certain state of mind is ridiculous. Now I’m not saying it’s a switch that can be flipped but consider how self centered the idea is that a woman has to be completely whole with her mate 100% of the time. At some point a woman has to want to be caught. Because I am here to tell you going from one encounter to the next, every day making sure your wife in emotionally available and “warm and fuzzy” is exhausting. Not to mention completely pointless if one thing can change weeks worth of effort. Doesn’t that justify a switch that can be flipped?

    My point is this. It’s not totally the guys fault. Society has filled women’s heads with how they are supposed to be vs how they feel. If a woman wants to be a stay home mom or be a working woman they are vilified. With those attitudes I find it amazing woman can stay sane. Be who you are don’t let others tell you. Often I find the church supports this view. How many Mother’s Day sermons and even secular events to we hold up and praise women/mothers but we admonish men/fathers. A good woman keeps a fami,y together. A poor father tears it apart. Praise women guys? Straighten up. There is no in between. For Mother’s Day take mom out to a great breakfast or dinner. For a guy? Let’s go buy a couch. I’m lucky to hear from anyone on Father’s Day but my wife gets every one in the family calling.

    It’s no wonder we get such polarized advice. I’ve cut my career short so I can be home on time and never travel. I’m home far more then most men. I am the one who does the dishes, deep cleans the house, mows the lawn. Articles like this one are far too common and they don’t paint an accurate picture.

  • Joe

    Sounds like a bunch of BS. The reason your woman is not banging is because she is 1) Banging someone else 2) Doesn’t like sex 3) Is a lesbian trying to hide that fact from her friends and family 4) Just despises you for some unknown reason.

  • SgtMac

    So you wrote this out of what – experience with YOUR wife? Maybe reading a few articles in Glamour? What a waste of my time.

  • Mike

    I gave up initiating sex a long, long time ago. Or, I should say, I gave up trying to. I gave up asking for what she apparently had precious little interest in. Hearing “no” often enough, one comes to expect it, and by asking, you leave yourself vulnerable to the excruciating pain of rejection and the self doubt that relentlessly chases you around afterward. So I left it up to her, and that has us intimate, on average, once every 6-7 weeks. Then she wonders why I’m distant and grumpy.

    • NYGUY38

      Same exact situation here. Once every 6-8 weeks.

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  • angryguy77

    Yet another “why you don’t get laid” article that points at what the man is doing wrong. Oddly, I’ve yet to see an article about “why your husband would rather fish” and tell women they need to do x you and z to get him to spend more time with her.

    How about this, women meet the needs of their men and the men return the favor without conditions?

    Garbage articles like this one only serve to fuel the excuses and spur on woman to feel justifies in being frigid.

  • Deborah West

    Personally, I think you’re right on about 99% of what you say. BUT – nowhere in the Bible does it say have ‘lots’ of sex. Frequency is NEVER mentioned. Don’t be trying to add words to scriptures. Your wife knows better than this. Also, marriage is mutual submission. If her libido is lower than yours, then you BOTH need to adjust and compromise. The husband needs less sex and the wife agrees to more sex. That’s the biggest reason for wives lacking respect for their husbands, because their husbands don’t respect them and their needs. The national average of sexual frequency is 1.2 time a week. And studies have shown that if asked to have MORE sex, then happiness decreases, not increases. Nobody, yes – wives, wants to ‘told’ what to do. But everybody, yes wives and husbands, need to work towards equality.

  • GodsChick

    #9 porn.

  • Constantine Liakos

    You lost me at # 3. I’m not sure why you feel the need to mention penis size in a (theoretically) disparaging way. Your implication is that small penis = an automatic assumption of no satisfaction. That is the world’s stereotype. I don’t see any good in reflecting that sexual worldview in a Christian article. It’s not even true for every woman. I’m going to move on to a different article on the same topic, of which there are many.

  • Drkvader

    My marriage is done but I guess I can still help me out

  • NYGUY38

    “Guys we’re stupid.” Speak for yourself.

  • Truth Really Is

    Unfortunately most women nowadays just enjoy having sex with one another since many women are now gay and bi. I hope everything works out for you.

  • Josh Williams

    Nowadays many women prefer other women unfortunately which they’re very sick anyway.

  • Emm Yo

    Well…you missed out on the part that we women get tired of sex. Tired of having to please mens sexual urges. Tired of the work involved and the fact that you guys fall asleep after instead of cuddling. We get tited of our husbands in later years. Companionship is better without sex after several decades. You guys think you know about us…you don’t really have a clue…although the author of this piece did an admirable job …men do not lead women. We are independent. It is SUPPOSED to be a partnership and it’s not all about making sure your man is sexually fulfilled daily. Good grief. Separate bedrooms work nicely after 30-40 years of having to share a bed and give out.

    • Greg

      I have a genuine question which isn’t intended to be wrapped in malice. Why do women give plenty of sex at the beginning of a relationship? I’ve experienced this in every relationship I’ve been in. First year or two, amazing sex… and then slowly but surely it dwindles away.

      It doesn’t matter what age or how tired a woman is either. She could be 50 and just ended a 30 year marriage. The minute she begins a new relationship, sex, sex, sex. If women are tired of sex and pleasing men’s urges, why not show this at the BEGINNING of a relationship? Why give him lots of sex and then suddenly end it?

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