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Are You In Love With a Person or Just With Sex?

by Shellie R. Warren on October 26th, 2014 in The Haps

Are You In Love With a Person or Just With Sex-blogIt might be a mere coincidence (although I seriously doubt it), but I have yet to counsel a couple who waited until marriage to have sex with each other. Not one. (Tweet This!)

Now, that’s not to say that I haven’t had conversations with couples who waited. They’ve experienced challenges within their union, of course, but based on what I’ve heard from them, what they go through tends to sound a lot less… well, “dramatic” is the word that comes to mind. 

On the other hand, couples who have had sex with one another before marriage, more than anything, seem to have some serious communication and trust issues. And you know what else? Also not as much sex as they used to.

It kind of makes sense that it would play out that way, actually.

Hey, I’ve never been married, but I did have quite a bit of sex in my day, and my running go-to phrase about fornication is, “There are some men I had great sex with that I wouldn’t even want to sit next to me on a bus now.” I didn’t like them. I liked the sex I was having with them. As I’ve said before:Sex can make you love people you don’t even like.” (Tweet This!)

There are a lot of folks (A LOT OF FOLKS) who unfortunately have mistaken the way someone physically makes them feel as if it’s a true connection—or not. And so, when you “love the sex,” sometimes that can cloud your judgment when it comes to whether you truly love the person—or not. Then you look up, a few months or even a couple of years into your marriage, and realize you don’t know this person at all.

And then there’s something else about having sex before marriage that tends to be overlooked. If you and your spouse both come to the Lord after marriage, this point won’t apply quite as much. However, if both of you did grow up with an understanding (or at least the teaching) that sex is for married couples only, oftentimes there is a part of you who, deep down, feels like your spouse does not fully have your back. 

The Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16 starts off saying “Sex is as much of a spiritual mystery as it is a physical fact.” Sex before marriage makes the “physical fact” more of a priority than “the spiritual mystery,” and since God is Spirit (John 4:24) and he created marital covenant (Matthew 19:6), then there needs to be a spiritual connection and a spiritual union before sex ever transpires.

Okay, so what about the “You’ve got to test drive the car before you buy it” theory? Uh-huh.

First of all, people are not cars, but I’ll try my best to share my views on that as well. James 1:17 tells us that every good and perfect gift comes from God. Psalm 84:11 says that God will withhold no good thing from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 145:16 says that God opens up his hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing. Nowhere in those verses does it say “Except when it comes to sex.”

Whenever I think of the “test drive” argument, it takes me back to the Woman at the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in the Garden of Eden and the serpent telling her that God’s boundaries are keeping something from her. The reality is that the boundaries were protecting her. From pain, from loss, from problems within her union. 

Genesis 3:6 says that she saw the fruit to be good and ate of it. As a result her eyes were opened. And a lot of it was to things that God never ever wanted her or her husband to see.

She saw the fruit to be good. The fruit had some destructive elements to it though. In spite of what she saw.

When you’re dating someone and you hear in your head “You need to know if s/he is going to able to please you before you commit to them,” that is not God talking. How could it be being that Hebrews 13:5 says that he will judge adultery and fornication? That is Satan trying to infiltrate your relationship by making it be about sex more than spirituality so that after marriage, sex and spirituality both become really difficult to master.

And no, I’m not saying that if you are a married couple who had sex before marriage that you can’t survive it and come out with a real testimony. I know several who have. However, something that all of them have told me is that they wish they had waited and that they can definitely feel the “side effects” of putting the icing before the cake, so-to-speak.

So, I guess you can see what side of the sex-before-marriage pendulum I swing on. 

Sex before marriage does not “help.” One way or another, it’s gonna hurt. (Tweet This!) Oftentimes a lot more than however good the sex before marriage ever felt. 

Hey, they don’t call it “forbidden fruit” for nothin’.

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  • Boo

    I guess I have a difficult concept of this. On one hand, I understand the reasons for waiting for marriage, especially the religious ones. On the other hand, I can’t help but think that the attitudes towards sex are more nuanced than is presented here. Not everyone who has premarital sex feels either a)super attached to each person or b)guilty about itching that proverbial scratch. It just seems in my observations that being on the same page as your spouse is really what’s important. If one views sex as permissive and one as dirty, that’s fundamentally an incompatibility. But if both share either viewpoint they can have consensus. Again, I absolutely understand why to not in a biblical sense, but I think a reason why Christian youth continue having sex before marriage is because a multidimensional issue is presented as simply waiting=good (and as though this is a promise of great sex to come) and not waiting =bad (and doomed to be terrible sex forever) but neither viewpoint is inherently true all the time. And a hallmark of youth is thinking they can beat any odds.

  • Anonymous

    You are aware, I hope, of what the term that is translated as “fornication” meant at the time the bible was written, and what fornication meant in the English language at the time the KJV bible was assembled in 1611, and of what is written as sexual immorality in Leviticus 18, right? Pre-marital sex is not on the list! A lot of unnecessary guilt is built up within certain individuals from both social conditioning and from the church’s teaching concerning pre-marital sex that contributes to reduced sexual responsiveness within marriage by those who have already opened the sexual box outside of it. They start to get a negative attitude toward sex, even with their partner, because they were told that what they had done was wrong, and their guilt because they believe what they were told ends up infiltrating their marriage.

    So I disagree with the calling of pre-marital sex as “forbidden fruit.” It is not forbidden anywhere in the bible. However, marriage after the fact was strongly encouraged in the OT, and is still encouraged in the NT- that people settle down, preferably with the people whom they’re having sex with, to prevent STDs and the situation where the parents don’t know whose children the children are. Those were also the days prior to modern contraception, which when used correctly, is at least 98% effective in preventing unwanted pregnancies. They also protect against many STDs as well, and those STDs are ones that people would have to sleep around unprotected to get in the first place.

  • Kenny

    Dear “Anonymous,”I am admittedly NOT a formal Bible scholar, so I certainly cannot comment on original Hebrew texts, Greek, or Aramaic. However, in response to your comments that read,:

    <>

    I think I’m pretty clear on what the Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:2 when he spells out pretty clearly (in English, at least) who is and who is not supposed to be having sex with each other:

    “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own WIFE, and each woman with her own HUSBAND.”

    Then verses 8 and 9 conclude: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, (I assume that means, if they feel like they absolutely must have sex with people they aren’t married to) THEY SHOULD MARRY, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

    Even though our modern day term “Pre-marrital sex” is not “on the list,” It IS clear that only married people are authorized to be having sexual relations, and that, with the person (singular) they are married to. I’m not confused. Is anybody else?

  • Kenny

    Dear “Anonymous,”I am admittedly NOT a formal Bible scholar, so I certainly cannot comment on original Hebrew texts, Greek, or Aramaic. However, in response to your comments that read,:

    –You are aware, I hope, of what the term that is translated as “fornication” meant at the time the bible was written, and what fornication meant in the English language at the time the KJV bible was assembled in 1611, and of what is written as sexual immorality in Leviticus 18, right? Pre-marital sex is not on the list!’–

    I think I’m pretty clear on what the Apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:2 when he spells out pretty clearly (in English, at least) who is and who is not supposed to be having sex with each other:

    “But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own WIFE, and each woman with her own HUSBAND.”

    Then verses 8 and 9 conclude: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, (I assume that means, if they feel like they absolutely must have sex with people they aren’t married to) THEY SHOULD MARRY, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

    Even though our modern day term “Pre-marrital sex” is not “on the list,” It IS clear that only married people are authorized to be having sexual relations, and that, with the person (singular) they are married to. I’m not confused. Is anybody else?

  • Maureen Myers Koeppel

    I was a virgin when I met my husband. He was not, and had a daughter to prove it from his first marriage.
    I can tell you without a doubt that the last part about sexual impurity affecting you at some point is definitely true. I am much more adventurous and more interested in sex after 14 years than he is. He sampled first so it wasn’t new and exciting for him and it is for me. Keep in mind having PTSD from being in Iraq doesn’t help, but I also know some of it is his more cavalier lifestyle from before he truly committed his life to Christ .

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