C: “I love my husband but I am not sexually satisfied and porn and masturbation is the only way that I can climax. What should I do?”
A: Here is the thing that we have to understand about our sexuality: Our bodies get trained how to respond sexually. Your sexual buttons have been programmed to function in response to porn and self-stimulation. Your mind and body have been taught to perform in a way that excludes your hubby. I actually dealt with some of this early in my marriage. I loved being with my husband but after years of self-satisfying (before marriage), I sometimes had a hard time climaxing during intercourse. I wasn’t actively viewing porn but I would have to run old “mind movies” in my head to get myself going. Sometimes it worked. Other times I’d just *finish up* by myself after we were done.
Our sexual appetite is not unlike our other appetites. We will want more and more of whatever we feed ourselves. Porn and masturbation are like potato chips and soda – it is junk food sex. That kind of sex will take the edge off; there is some satisfaction in it – but what our souls actually want — and need– is a real meal, sex that not only satisfies the body but nourishes the soul and spirit.
OK, so what to do? Overcoming your preoccupation with porn and masturbation won’t necessarily be easy but it can be done. One thing that I always write about is the truth that all the issues of our lives come out of our heart. (Proverbs 4:23) The first step in overcoming this dependence is to do a heart check. There is a sort of *cholesterol* build up connected to your porn and masturbation use. This will need to be addressed. The next step is to repent. Repent sounds like such a churchy word but it just means to turn, to change your mind. Back when I was dealing with this, I realized that it was negatively affecting the intimacy between my husband and me. I was forfeiting the bonding that sex is supposed to be for married people. You’ve already acknowledged that you have a challenge here. You need to come into complete agreement (with God) that the porn and masturbation are wrong. Those things miss the mark when it comes to the healthy, whole, nourishing, oneness of married sex. Repentance is the beginning of all change and healing.
It’s not clear whether your husband knows about your struggles. If he doesn’t know it would be good if you could share (confess) it to him. (Secrets between spouses are a terrible intimacy blocker!) This may not be possible right now depending on his spiritual maturity but if you can talk to him and he is willing to help you thru this, that would be another great step in the process.
I have a theory that there are three levels of sexual experience. Level 1: Sex is plain and simple body engagement. (Porn and masturbation are “Level 1” sex.) Level 2: There’s body and soul engagement, where there is some degree of emotional connection between the two people participating. Level 3: There is body, soul and spirit engagement. It is satisfaction to infinity and beyond. “Level 3” sex where we want to be! The physical union I have with my husband is the most out of this world experience I have ever had. Nothing I can do for myself compares with the two of us becoming one at Level 3. What cured me of my reliance on solo-sex was spending time in the Word. Seriously. The more you understand Who God is and His love for you, the less you will desire the pseudo-love of porn and masturbation.
Our sexual union with our spouse is a picture of the eternal bliss we will one day know when we are finally home with our Maker. God is glorified in our union with our spouse. He intended for sex to be the ultimate earthly physical pleasure! The more I exposed myself to the Living Water, the less I wanted potato chips and soda. Eventually the spell of junk food sex was broken and I was free to give all my sexual energy to my husband. I have not looked back. You can know the bliss and wonder of Level 3, spirit joining intimacy with your husband if you truly want it! I’m here to tell you that you do!