C: “I just got engaged but my boyfriend and I are waiting until marriage because he wants to wait (I’m not as convicted about sex before marriage as he is). What he doesn’t know is that I’ve engaged in oral sex with my ex-boyfriend leading up to our engagement. Not all of the time, but whenever I feel like I am going to die without the release. I’ve since ended the relationship and I know my boyfriend will break up with me if I tell him. Should I?”
A: If your boyfriend were the one making this confession — if he were the one who had been regularly meeting up with his ex-girlfriend for oral sex while you two were dating –wouldn’t you want to know before making the decision to marry him and spend your entire lives together?
I believe that conviction, which comes from the Holy Spirit, is one of those things that is absolute: you either are convicted, or you aren’t. I can say that I’m “kinda” convicted, but that usually means that I know I ought to do something (or not do something), but I’m just being rebellious. So you aren’t convicted about premarital sex. And you regularly engaged in premarital sex with your ex-boyfriend when you felt like you were “going to die without the release.” I know that feeling, too. Most people who have a sexual past and are now celibate know that feeling! But you don’t die, and every time you resist, lust’s power over you loses its hold a little more... Oral sex is just as off-limits for chaste, unmarried Christians as intercourse is. I know it’s easy (but delusional) to write it off as not being “real” sex, but there’s no way that you can justify it as being acceptable behavior to engage in while dating a guy who wants to wait (and believes that you’re waiting with him AND for him).
If you don’t tell your boyfriend, and you two get married with this secret underlying your marriage, it is going to eat you up inside. I suspect that it is already gnawing at you, since you asked for help in this arena.
Yes, I think you should tell him. It won’t be easy, and he very well might end the relationship, but he has every right to do so. I don’t mean to be unkind, but you must be aware that you “cheated” on him, right? You can’t have a marriage based on trust, vulnerability and openness if you are beginning it with a lie and unfaithfulness. He believes that you have been true to him. It’s one thing to have a sexual past, but it’s quite another to carry your past with you, up until your engagement! You have been cheating on your fiancé for your entire relationship. That is not a good foundation for a healthy marriage.
If you don’t tell him, you are denying him the chance to extend grace and forgiveness to you. We have all sinned, and I bet there isn’t a husband and wife out there who have not sinned against each other at least once. Give him the chance to know the truth and prayerfully come to the decision to forgive you. With God all things are possible! You’d be amazed at what love can do.
Are you really ready for marriage? You might be afraid that this is your only shot at it, but it’s far worse to rush into the wrong marriage than to wait until you’re ready to commit to one person and have the maturity to do so. You need to be selfless enough to deny yourself and your own wishes for the good of your husband. This includes denying your sexual urges. Telling him the truth would be a good start. Not telling him the truth would be unbelievably selfish.
There’s another thing to consider, too: When you have an orgasm with someone, you become bonded to them with soul ties. Those soul ties that you continued to form with your ex while you were dating your fiancé will keep you bound to your past flame until you pray for God to break them. I know that I’m advising you to do something very painful and difficult, and it’s easy for me to say from where I’m sitting… I empathize with you. I dread the day in the future that I will have to tell the man I love about my sexual past and face his (possible) rejection. But love — the kind worth waiting for, modeled perfectly by the love that God has for us — is unconditional. In my opinion, your only hope to save this relationship with your boyfriend is to tell him the truth.