Yesterday, I picked up the latest issue of Essence Magazine (May 2007). In it, there is an article entitled, “Confessions of a Sex Addict: A man reveals his painful struggle to overcome his insatiable urges by dealing with early childhood trauma”.
There was a lot about the personal narrative that provided me with food for thought. For one, he starts off by saying that he lost his virginity at 17 to “the neighborhood freak”. That, in turn, made me wonder who she gave her goods (and I call them goods because when God made us, he called us “good”—Genesis 1:31) to, to the point where she was considered a “freak” at such a young age.
Another interesting tidbit was that this man who chose to sign his article “Anonymous” claimed to have slept with over 700 women. Hmm…sounds a lot like Solomon to me (1 Kings 11:3).
And, although he has two failed marriages behind him, confessing that he cheated on his first wife right after his honeymoon, he is now in a relationship (and therapy) with a woman he wants to marry…although she doesn’t know about his addiction and he doesn’t plan on telling her. I don’t know about you guys, but it sounds like we should hold on to our wedding presents on that one too. It’s hard for anything to last if the foundation is not based in honesty and to withhold such pivotal piece of information is most definitely dishonest. As they said in the movie, “Little Black Book”, “Omission is the greatest form of betrayal”.Â
In therapy, he said that he learned that because his parents were drug addicts and he never received affection from his grandmother, he developed an overwhelming desire to please women; that pleasing them sexually somehow validated him. Hmm, I wonder if the therapist will soon address that lying to his girlfriend will only set him up for having to return for extra sessions later down the road…
But, what I want to share with you guys…well, gals, is a paragraph that we all could stand to read over and over again until we meet “Mr. Right for Us”:
“In college, I perfected my routine so that I could fit sex in as often as possible, usually three times a day. I would sleep with one girl in the morning, another in the afternoon and a different one at night. I’d meet girls at clubs, take them to my off-campus apartment for sex, then go back out looking for more. I learned how to zone in on the easiest targets: women with low self-esteem; someone sitting alone at a bar, dressed provacatively but not making eye contact and seeming unsure of herself—that was always a giveaway. I’d buy her a drink and shower her with compliments. Within a few hours I’d have her back at my place.”
Some of us—shoot, most of us—find ourselves wondering how we get ourselves into situations where we feel taken for granted or misused, whether sexually, emotionally or both, and instead of taking heed to huge warning flags like the ones in this article, we’d rather consult fictious tales (although sometimes very well-written fiction, I must admit) on shows like “Sex and the City” or the speculations of our girlfriends who are often just as confused, just as wounded, just as broken.
Ladies, this anonymous man has done us all a big favor, even if he’s not really saying anything new. The father of my fourth aborted child once told me that my problem was that what men told me should be “confirmations and not revelations”. I obviously did not listen to him because that was advice he gave me before we even became sexually active.
I Peter 5:8 says that the enemy is like a lion seeking whom he may devour. I’m not sure if I shared this with you before or not, but a male friend of mine once told me that “gettin’ women” is a lot like how lions hunt (technically, it’s lionesses who do most of the work, but you’ll get my point); they don’t go chasing after prey. They let it get close enough to them and then they pounce. On top of that, they usually single out the weakest looking one.
Ladies, God did not call us prey. He sees us as his precious pearls who are deserving of a man who loves us, not hunts us. Don’t look to a man to determine your worth. A friend of mine’s mother says “You set the price and let people pay up.” I know, I know, I KNOW that it can’t get discouragingly lonely out here, but you are worth so much more than being the 700th notch on someone’s belt. You deserve to be the chick who has a 7-carat ring on your finger (or at least a marriage certificate!)
So, next time a guy pushes up on you, remember what this brother shared and what my ex said. You being cute, smart, sexy, whatever should not be a revelation but a conformation…
OF WHAT YOU ALREADY KNEW BEFORE HE EVEN STEPPED UP TO YOU!