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Love Means Being Real. And Really Honest.

by Rissi P on January 17th, 2012 in Women

In February of 2010, I was at a crossroads in my life.  I was 28, reaffirming my faith and relationship with God and coming to terms with my past.  I had decided to put dating on the shelf, get my life in order, and wait on God to do the rest…and He did.  Bryan was everything I never thought I deserved.  He was kind, loving, protective, understanding, and most importantly, real.  We met for what I thought was supposed to be a friendly dinner on a Monday and by that Wednesday night we were discussing marriage.  Babies, childhood, dreams—no topic too taboo, we discussed EVERYTHING.  It was the first time ever that I felt this open with anyone and knew for sure I was with “the One”.  
 
There was, however, one topic that was EXTREMELY sensitive to me… the number of sexual partners I’d had.  I never actually told anyone my real number; I’d always sanitized it to fit my expectations as well as those of the person I was with at the moment.  My number represented a period in my life where I was most lost.  I’d have these epic soap opera-esque relationships with men that I believed I loved and wanted so desperately to love me.   Sometimes I’d make them wait and other times I’d just go with the moment because it “felt right”.  As a result, I held on with a white-knuckle grip to some of the most ridiculous men in the history of life.  Liars, womanizers, cheaters, you name it, I dated it. I believed that if I could make them love me by any means, I would prove myself worthy.
 
When sex for the sake of love wasn’t working, I’d do it for the name of fun.  It’s amazing what you can convince yourself of when you are desperate for a connection.  I told myself that because it was my body, I could do with it what I pleased to whomever.  I can admit now that my “free” thinking was really to mask the disappointment and frustration caused by my lack of real intimacy with anyone, especially God and myself.  Every situation ended the same: “we” dissolved into just me, left confused, hurt and alone.
 
It was at the end of one such “relationship” in 2009 that I was at my lowest and knew that something had to give.  God, through a good friend, helped me see things for what they were…off.  I embarked on an intense six-month journey to refine and redefine my walk. The new Rissi was confidently celibate and waiting for marriage.  I prayed for forgiveness for my past and while I felt that God had forgiven me, I was still so ashamed and embarrassed of myself.  So when the conversation came up with Bryan, I lied and for the first time, it hurt.
 
When I hung up the phone that night, I knew that something had changed in me.  Normally I would have told that lie and moved forward like nothing.  This was different.  He was different.  I was different.  I had to come clean. About everything.  If he was disgusted and never spoke to me again, at least I was one-hundred percent.  It wasn’t good enough to be in a surface relationship, I deserved more.
 
The next night during our nightly phone call, I said the dreaded, “I need to tell you something…” and proceeded to tell him my truth.  I waited with much trepidation for his response. He simply said, “OK.  Why did you lie about that?”  Bryan now knew all there was to know about me, and he accepted me anyway, flaws and all; he loved me unconditionally.  I refer to this night as when I lost my virginity because it was definitely a first for me.
 
Almost exactly five months later we were married.  Today, we have a year and 6 months of marriage under our belts… as well as a seven-month-old daughter.  Every day is not perfect, we have our stuff, but I rest comfortably in the fact that I am transparent with him and happy to be so.  That, my friends, is real freedom…

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  • Guest

    Rissi,
    Good for you and Bryan! Honesty is so important in adult relationships, romantic or otherwise. It is wonderful to come clean on who you are and find out that your are loved and valued just the same. Praise God for that!

  • Les Whiteley

    Rissi:
    You have found something special in yourself and the man who found you, accepting of any and all flaws. That’s the only way a real relationship can continue and flourish. It’s been more than 32 years for myself and my wife. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing, but we’ve weathered the bad times as well as the good. So just keep on being honest with yourself and Bryan and you too will get into the 30s or longer. Love you kiddo.

  • JVonne

    Wow. Thanks for sharing. Happy for y’alls happiness 🙂 

    As if “Inside of Me” weren’t enough, totally time to pick up “Pure Heart” off my shelf. No more excuses of textbooks inhibiting time for leisure reading. Gotta be honest with self before being honest with another right? Thx RPS & SRW! Hugs and love! 

  • B1rdy

    Some people, Christians especially, treat virginity as something between a fetish and a mystic power. They talk about it as ‘purity,’ but it often comes across as creepily possessive – as if it isn’t enough to have someone now and forever, but there is also a need to possess them retroactively. Some men would get terribly jealous if they found their partner had ever had sex with another, even years before they met.

    It’s all a lit of fuss about nothing, hinting back to ancient superstition. Sex is not magic – having it won’t somehow change who you are. It isn’t a rite of passage, and the first time is not special. Before, after… there is no real difference.

  • Goldstrings45Shannah

    Mmm hmmm. That’s a whole lot of truth. I’d decided after this strange strange failed attempt at a relationship, that the reason I was not finding “the one” was because I had no room for him in my mind, heart, and life. I’m allowing these flings and the idea of what I “should” be doing as a young attractive woman take my mans place and I need to make some changes, expect the best because I deserve it, be honest and make room for him! I prayed over it and let God know my intent lol because I would sure need His help to do it, and I prayed for the guy, who ever he was, that he was ready to receive me! I abstained. I said that the next person I would be intimate with would be my husband and I meant it. I was ready for good in my life. That decision not only cleared up my love life, but my professional and family life as well. Everything! Friendships, my relationship with food, everything lol!! So I abstained almost a year and I became happy for the first time in a long time! Just pleased with where the Lord had me at that moment and loving everything about life. I don’t call it good days and bad days, I call it good days and ‘learning’ moments because I don’t believe in bad days anymore! 🙂 You can learn something from that day to help you in the future! February second I heard the most honest ‘I love you’ I’d ever heard in my life, I tear up just thinking about it! And My husband and I were married on June 25th ’11! I love what God has done, I love my family, and I love life! 

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