Living a life of promiscuity for nearly 10 years, and then finding out the truth about sex and its original design, I couldn’t wait to get married to experience it.
Four years ago, I walked down the aisle and said, “I do.” Finally, I can experience sex without guilt and shame! I can feel the touch of a man’s hands on my body and know he has the legal rights to do so. My marriage bed is undefiled. Finally, sexual freedom!
I wish I could tell you that freedom last always. Unfortunately, it did not for me. I am actually a sexual prisoner in my marriage. You see, I am married to a porn addict. Years of watching porn from an early age has caused my husband to have a very perverted and unhealthy view of sex. Porn flicks taught my husband everything he knows about sex. There’s no intimacy in those videos. Therefore, there’s no intimacy in my marriage. It’s always straight to the business at hand. After sex, I’m left feeling dishonored and empty. I often wonder if he realizes I’m there.
I’ve realized that this addiction causes a person to be selfish and self-absorbed. There’s usually a lot of instruction and demands when we have sex but no connection. The connection that a husband and wife should feel as they perform the beautiful act of showing each other love. The things my husband does during sex mimics what you would see in a porn flick. As a result, I still feel the same guilt and shame I felt as a single promiscuous woman; except I’m married.
This addiction has robbed me and my husband of many things. It’s robbed of us of being able to learn each other sexually without reservations. It’s robbed us of knowing what it feels like to be touched by each other non- sexually. It’s robbed us of sexual freedom and trust. Most importantly, it’s robbed us of an intimate relationship.
I would love to be able to have sex with my husband and not view it as my wifely duty. I would love to have sex with my husband and feel like he’s considered my needs before his own. I would love to have sex with my husband and feel safe.
Porn addiction can and will destroy a marriage if not addressed. I fight to save my marriage through honest communication with my husband and prayer. This is not just my husband’s addiction. Now, it’s our addiction. We are one so we walk through this together. I remain prayerful and hopeful that one day we will have a healthy sex life.
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