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Married Men Are Nicer. Really?!? (LOL)

by Shellie R. Warren on January 17th, 2011 in Women

Yeah. Well…

One thing that I have come to dig more and more is how vocal y’all are on this page. And so, this time, I’m kinda just gonna “throw this out here” and see what comes back. A “blog boomerang”, if you will.

A couple of days ago, I was reading about how a study last month concluded that married men are nicer and reflect less anti-social behaviors than single men. Oh, and that nice men get married first (there blows the whole “nice guys finish last” myth. I wonder if I should notify Snopes.com).

What initially caught my attention on it was that the particular site that I first saw it on, one that oozes sarcasm and satire in it’s reporting on a regular basis, ended their piece with “Conclusion: if you want to date the nicest guy scientifically possible, date a married man.” OK, I’m just gonna say this: Of all the things that I’ve done (AND IT’S BEEN A LOT), one thing I can say is that I have never dated (or slept with) a married man. Another thing I will say? I have married male friends, and at my age, quite a few (meaning most of the people I know are married at this point). There is *a lot of finesse, healthy boundaries and spiritual discernment* needed to keep that  in balance.

When a set of my “married couple friends” divorced, I’ll never forget the pearl of wisdom that another male gave me when I told him that something in me told me that I should distance myself from the husband a bit: “That’s smart. Usually friends reflect similar qualities and so there’s probably some things in you that are like his ex-wife. You don’t want him transferring those feelings onto you.” Hmph. That right there may speak *volumes* as to why so many affairs take place. Actually, you may not be very different from the spouse that’s getting cheated on. It’s just that they can deal with you *part-time* and on *their terms*. Which would also explain the whole “the nicest guy possible is a married man” slam. It’s really easy to be in a relationship when…you’re not really in a relationship. Meaning, if you’re not dealing with the TOTALITY of a person—and when it comes to affairs rarely is that *ever* the case!!!—are you really dealing with them…at all? I’m willing to bet that somebody reading this is in an affair as we speak. TAKE HEED. Ever seen “Beowolf”? Fantasies can turn into nightmares…*really fast*. An affair is false advertising of what a true connection with a person is meant to be. WHOLE and COMPLETE.

OK, but back to the case study.

Just this week alone, I have “counseled” three married women on their *very selfish*, *very prideful*, *very insecure* husbands. OK, granted, it’s their perspective but two of the husbands, I can agree with them, pretty much wholeheartedly. They’re engaging guys. They’re funny guys. They’re smart guys. But yeah…nice? Well. Um. See…

You all know by now that I *love* research and I find it very interesting (and purposeful) that the Hebrew word for a man *and a husband* are one in the same: Ish. To me, it transfers as being interchangable. Now not every man is going to, nor should, nor has to be married (Matthew 19:11-12-Message) BUT there should be qualities in him that reflect that of a husband. Synonyms for “manly” include benevolent, brave, chivalrous, considerate, courteous, gentlemanlike, great-hearted, heroic, high-minded, noble-minded, polite, spirited, true and valorous.

THIS IS A MAN. And yes, *this is a husband*. Or at least it should be.

So, here’s my question: Another part in the article said this: “Not everyone is equally likely to enter the institution of marriage,” King said. “But those that do enter into it get some benefit from it.” To me, that welcomed kind of a “Duh”. Marriage is a gift from God (Genesis 2:18-25) and the Word says that every good and perfect gift comes from him (James 1:17). I think we lose sight of it more than we should, but yes, marriage is a good thing, holistically so, and therefore entering into it is beneficial.

Yet, since that’s the case, what gives? Why do there seem to be so many women who feel that their husbands are anything *but* nice? Are their definitions different from that of a guy’s when it comes to what being “nice” is? Could they be in denial of the fact that they are looking into a character mirror and seeing an XX version of their inner selves? Do husbands know that a lot of their spouses feel this way? Do they care? If you’re a guy peeping in on the Women’s blog, do you consider yourself a “nice” guy? If so and you’re single, how do women treat you? If you’re married, do you feel appreciated for being that kind of person? Oh, and when you look at those list of characteristics, if you’re a man, can you say that you make those qualities a priority? If you’re a woman and know a man (or men) like that, do you praise them for it?

I know. It’s a lot of questions. Something tells me that y’all can handle it, though. I just think that there’s so much energy put into complaining (something that we’re instructed NOT to do, BTW-Philippians 2:14) that “we’re” too drained to come up with solutions to such problems as chronic marital discord.  Already this year, I’ve heard about more divorces than any one person should.

And yet…marriage is a blessed thing. Studies show it’s good for your health. And yes, according to this, married men are nicer.

So what’s the problem?

And more importantly, what’s the solution?

 

 

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