In the world we exist in today, pornography has become as natural as eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The titles to porn movies have become part of our lexicon and the people who act in these movies are known as stars, rewarded with money and fame rapidly attained for publicizing the most physically intimate moments in their lives. Pornography, as we see in the world, is profitable, and yet we’re not shown how it destroys, isolates, and kills relationships.

Truth be told, I didn’t think much about porn until I was an ungodly woman married to an ungodly man. Raised by strict parents I spent my early 20’s a confused, masturbating virgin. I wasn’t allowed to date or even go out with friends much and was told that being around men would give me a “VD”, so I relied on self-pleasure to get me through the rush of hormones that accompanied my teenage years and early twenties.

Although I was socially isolated for most of my life, I found myself in an unloving marriage to a man I met online that I thought was the answer to my misguided yearnings for completion. Soon after our wedding, I found out the hard way that my husband was viewing a lot of online pornography when I was away from home and sleeping. This discovery left me feeling gutted emotionally and confused. This wasn’t how a marriage was supposed to be – wasn’t I enough to satisfy his sexual needs? I was left with a distinct feeling of being alone in a marriage, which is precisely the opposite of what God intended for marriage. Instead of two becoming one, we were two separate people living individual lives.  

I brought this up with my now ex-husband and was completely shut down. He refused to acknowledge my fears, wouldn’t allow a conversation on the matter, and continued to engage in his pornography viewing. Our marriage, which was built on a foundation of sand, quickly disintegrated.
Eventually, curiosity killed the cat and I found myself watching and becoming hooked on online porn. As my marriage disintegrated, I found myself turning to masturbation on an almost daily basis, turning to porn to turn myself on.  Still in the world, I sought porn as an escape, as a self-soothing mechanism.  

For about threee years, I went in and out of periods of daily pornography and masturbation addiction, until one night I watched a video where the female participant was clearly out of her mind high on drugs. Looking into her empty eyes was my wake-up call. Although I was not yet saved, I could not bring myself to watch something that was clearly so traumatizing to someone doing it for a paycheck. At that moment, I felt incredibly sad for this woman and also alone in my own situation.  

Looking back at my situation as a saved woman, I can see so clearly how pornography is used by Satan to deceive, divide, and create isolation in marriages and relationships. In my life as a celibate woman, I no longer wish to watch porn, but I’m finding that I am always challenged by masturbation. Masturbation was something I leaned on for many, many years, not knowing that it’s the most selfish thing I can do. Sex is something I want to enjoy with my husband, and I feel that engaging in masturbation takes something away from the true intention of this experience, not just getting off when tempted. Although I lost my physical virginity many years ago and have even had a child, I am yearning for the time I lose my emotional virginity to my future godly husband.