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30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

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Porn Makes Me Struggle with Sexual Sin

by Jennie L. on December 27th, 2012 in Women

Porn makes me angry. Porn makes me cry.  Porn is relief. Porn is easy. Porn is one of the reasons I have issues with almost any relationship.  Porn has educated me. Porn. Porn. Porn.

When I reflect on my younger self, I think about a sheltered country girl from the boonies whose idea of sexual sin, at the very WORST, was having someone lie about a relationship behind her back.  I never thought, as an adult, I would say,  “Oh yeah, almost every boyfriend I’ve had has had a father complex, dealt with pornography, and tried to hide both from me as much as possible.”  It’s just not something that you hope you will ever learn to accept as a past pattern for your choices in partners, or to be grateful for, when you achieve higher understanding from said relationships.

Despite my past circumstances, I have gained ground in praying and actively dealing with the haunting of what I like to call the “porn lie”.  Being a spiritually driven human being who does strive to live presently, the temptation does, and does often- arise to revert to past living.  Thus, when the “porn lie” appears, it strikes my heart, causing me to cheat on my own personal maturity of knowing sexual sin. Complexity in this battle between the old and the new heart is extremely difficult.  As much as I hate porn, it also presents itself with a desire of extreme self-inflicted punishment- a punishment that “feels” good, but is not “true” goodness.

So, when the pleasure punishment comes, it makes me feel better about choices that I have made (choices that range from eating something that is unhealthy for my body to placing a value on material things).  Then, after the punishment, an extreme sense of relief is followed.  Not that it is “true” relief either, but it comes.  After that, bring on the guilt.

After a good dose of porn, there is the guilt. There is guilt of fault and guilt of finger pointing.  Oh, and I can’t forget the guilt of judging myself to such a low point that I valued my feelings over my knowledge and my spiritual growth.  It’s a domino effect that ultimately results in groveling.  I grovel back to the past.  I see the many times a past boyfriend cheated and I relate it back to whatever I cheated with at that moment. I envision the bodies of women having intercourse with me who my past lovers had been with behind my back.  I see my sexual past reel by reel before my eyes like my own personal porn story.  And that’s when I realize, that is exactly what it is–a story.  A fairytale gone terribly wrong that I can choose to step back and experience whenever I want. 

Theatrics and dramatic effecta are no problem for me.  I am a creative being. But over time, it becomes less and less difficult for me to struggle with sexual sin because I am a sexual being who is spiritually-driven. I like to play. I like to be in control of a plot. However, after a round or two in my “porn lie” ring, I become bored because I am becoming more aware spiritually.  I am not God, and I don’t have a master plan for my character.  But MY GOD DOES. Our Father wants us to be creative, and He knows our challenges- and His Spirit movement inside of the heart outweighs a worn-out fairy tale ANY day of the week. 

Prayer and meditation have consistently shown me that I have no time for games these days.  Hard brushes make for bad art.  And the Divine Artist TRULY DOES thank His soft brushes.  Porn may make me struggle with sexual sin, but it doesn’t overcome.  Once you accept it is there and it’s not going away in this world, you CAN triumph over its powerful jabs in the battles.  And yes, there are many battles to come.  But winning one as a spiritual warrior is more crucial and pungent than never acknowledging or experiencing the Spirit’s force in your innermost battles with sexual sin.  Amen!!!

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  • Maranatha John

    I wanna recommend a book by Dag Heward-Mills titled “All about fornication”. I believe it’ll transform the life of any sex or pornography addict. It’s not God’s will that we’re trapped in any sexual bondage or sin. Be blessed

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