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30 DAY PORN FREE CHALLENGE

30 DAYS OF ADVICE TO HELP YOU STAY PORN FREE

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Pornism: You’re Not Born with It; It’s a Behavior That’s Been Taught.

by Shellie R. Warren on April 4th, 2012 in Women

Yeah. I know…

“Pornism” isn’t even a word. 😉

But as I was rereading an article that I read last week about a pastor in Ohio that had a stripper pole on his pulpit to illustrate a point about sex, I thought about a little girl that I encountered in a library some years ago. She was *cute enough* and because she was staring, I said “Hello.” In response, she smiled and said, “Hi…’the N word’.”

Now I could tell she had *absolutely no idea* what she was talking about and so while she had me taken aback, I knew not to direct any offense her way. Oh, but she said it loud enough (again, in a library) that it sent her mother running towards us. Immediately, her mother said, “I’m sorry. I have no idea where she got that word from.”

Yeah. OK. If *you* say so.

That memory reminded me of a commerical that I saw about racism; that indeed, racist is not something that children are born being, it is a behavior that is taught. And so while I’ll be the first one to raise my hand in class and say “Big ups” for a pastor dealing with sex *head on* in church (after all, it’s one of God’s *absolute greatest gifts* and *should be addressed* among believers), I found myself honing in on one particular part of the article:

“Ready to start a new sermon series called ‘Battle of the Sexes,’ Pastor Mike Scruggs at the Light of Word Ministries in White Oak, Ohio, has put a stripper pole, video games and sports equipment on one side of the pulpit, representing what men desire. On the other side, he has set up a bed with candies, teddy bears, roses and a bottle of wine to depict what women want.”

*He put a stripper pole on one side to represent what men desire.

*He put roses and a bottle of wine on the other to depict what women want.

Immediately, my mind went back to that thing I learned about racism, and then I thought about some of my own past sexual experiences; how after 14 partners and my own bout with porn, I’ve come to the conclusion that you can definitely tell the difference between the guys who have sex based on the kind of porn they watch and the ones who don’t (Heads up, dudes: Most of us aren’t into having “porn sex”. It feels like you’re having sex *at us* rather than *with us*). And how the ones who didn’t, they weren’t trying to have five minute Cirque de Soleil moments to corny background music with barely a kiss on the face; how they were actually attentive and affectionate: before, during and after.

Now, it’s another message for another time that fornication is wrong, no matter what package it comes in, but I’m sharing all of this to ask two things:

1) Being that a stripper pole was inspired by *strip clubs*, which basically is a form of “tangible porn”, is it that men desire their woman on one or is it that they were taught to think that is what makes for a sexy night?

2) Is it healthy to bring such learned behavior into the marriage bed? Because being that sexual intecourse is a mind-body-spirit experience, what’s the difference between having a stripper or porn star in your bed and wanting your wife to act like one?

You see, ’cause here’s the thing: I think it’s *really unfortunate* that a lot of people think that good sex means that it has to be tainted by porn’s influence and I *simply loathe* the whole, “I want a women in the streets and ho in the bedroom” mentally. Why does a good woman have to act like a broken sex object to accomodate a man’s sexual needs?

Personally, it’s because I think a lot of men are the victims of pornism and both in and out of the Church, we have gotten so complacent about it, we’ve been treating men like they were *born that way*, when really, it’s a behavior that’s been taught.

What are your thoughts?

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  • One_Reader_says

    Both sides of Scruggs’ pulpit were occupied by learned behaviors. Frankly, that was a very sexist idea on his part, since some men like wine and romance and some women like sports, porn, stripper pole workouts and video games. I suspect the sermon was to further the feminization of the males in his audience. 

    What does “wanting your wife to act like a porn star” even mean? Porn stars aren’t all the same and they don’t all behave the same way, nor do they all get “treated” the same way. I’m sure many wives wish their husbands could LAST a tenth as long as a porn star and be as devoted to her pleasure as many porn stars are. If a woman goes to bed with a guy who is “inattentive” and “unaffectionate”, its her fault, because those traits are detectable before she hops in the sack with him. If she didn’t catch it, just put the brakes on things, and show him how its done. This is a non-problem. 

    God was the one who first made men look at naked women. Blame him… actually I thank him for it!

    • Really?

      You’re really going to say that it’s a woman’s fault for an “inattentive” and “unaffectionate” man?? Sorry. I don’t buy it.

      • One_Reader_says

        What I tried to say is that a woman should already perceive what kind of lover her man might be by how he treats her before they ever get to the bedroom. Affection, attention, concern for her needs and comfort should all be noticeable long before. 

        • tammyflewis

          My husband is so attentive to my needs outside the bedroom, he goes to great details of taking care of me. Very little intimacy in the bedroom though…

  • Austin Callahan

    The desire for sex, and the fact that men are aroused by women rubbing up and down a phallic object, are natural. However I think the point that you were trying to make was that the idea that this is a necessity for men is implanted through years of pornographic media being ingested. Is that what you are saying?

    I am scared to death that I will treat my wife like an object in the marriage bed because of my past with porn addiction and for me it is obvious that mentality is taught, not inherent.

    Good points overall, I think that if we realized this in the midst of our partaking in the teaching of younger generations, we could change the culture of sex.

  • tammyflewis

    wow – I know exactly what you’re saying.  My husband thinks that when I act like the porn he watches that it;s the greatest sex -I hate it with a passion.  It’s cold, hard sex and nothing more.  It leaves me longing for more intimacy – always.    

  • Rahab2011

    I agree with this post, and I will take it a step further.  I believe (because I experienced) that women perpetuate “pornism” when we give in to the behaviors that arise from it.  We are God’s most beautiful creations.  We have great power, and should take the responsibility of that seriously.  We buy slinky dresses and short shorts, flaunt ourselves, and then blame men when they look…and worse.

  • Mike Kennedy

    Another sexist post towards men.

    “Religion: You’re not born with it, it’s a behaviour that’s been taught.”

  • a very happy woman

    I don’t see anything wrong with wild sex. If both of you enjoy it, why not?

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