Q: I’ve had a problem with porn and masturbation since I was in my early teens. I’m in my third year of college, at a Christian university, and I just don’t understand why I’m still strugging. I talked to my pastor and his wife about it a year and a half ago. They think I’m fine because I keep telling them I am and I act fine around them. I don’t think I would be able to tell them the truth. Nine months out of the year I am eight hours away in college. I go to chapel everyday. I’m on school worship teams. I’m a leader in a youth group. I’m on the church’s worship team. I love God, but for some reason I just can’t get past this. No one at school knows, and I feel like I don’t have anyone that I would trust enough to tell, or don’t want to deal with actually telling them. I find ways around every filter. I don’t want to…but I do. I feel stuck. And it makes me sick.—Kristen

 

A: Kristen, first, thank you for the permission, ahead of time, to publicly share this. I’m doing so because I get this question, more than a little bit, and so I think it could help to bring it more out into the open.

Anyone who’s read any part of my testimony post “Inside of Me” knows that I can certainly relate and while one thing that I enjoy about the blog format on here is that everyone can have their say (sigh, LOL, and great!), let me just say that I am going to share what I am led to from my own experience. I’m sure others will provide some other angles/perspectives/food for thought as well.

I think one thing that should be addressed more when it comes to people who have a heart for ministry (service) is that they are called to it (because *true servitude* is selfless which makes it godly) and yes, as Romans 11:29 tells us, “Gifts/callings come without repentance” or as some biblical translates say “are irrevocable”. To me, this means that a lot of times, I think people focus on more of the guilt that comes with the struggles of their flesh rather than the attack that the Enemy is using on their spirit  man (Galatians 5:16-17) *simply because of their calling*. Does that make sense? Basically, what I’m saying is that a lot of times, due to our vices, we’ll tend to say some variation of “I can’t believe I’m ministering when I just masturbated last night. I’m such a hyprocrite” when I tend to wonder how much “the game” would change if we said, “Oh, no wonder the desire to masturbate was so strong last night. I was supposed to get distracted so that I wouldn’t effectively minister today!”

Oftentimes, when I think of someone who was “called, chosen and struggling”, I think of Peter. Throughout biblical history, it was pretty evident that Peter and Christ had a special relationship. It was Peter who walked on water (Matthew 14:29). It was Peter who was told that “on this rock, I build my church” (Matthew 16:18). It was Peter who the Lord told we must forgive seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22). It was Peter that he took with him to the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:37).

And, it was Peter who denied Christ. Three times (Matthew 26:69-75).

I think for a lot of us who are in active roles of discipeship, we can relate to Peter. Some days we feel so close to the Father and some days, our actions seem to indicate that we don’t even know him at all (or at least desire the responsibiity that comes in knowing him). Personally, I think you can sincerely love the Lord and (gasp!) sin. I liken it to what Bill Clinton once said about his wife in response to why he cheated on her: “I loved her. I just didn’t love her well.”

Only the Godhead is perfect. And quite honestly, I believe this entire journey, in this season, on this earth, is about learning how to love well…by allowing God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit to teach us. Sin, more than anything, is what separates us from the level of intimacy with God that is desired but his perfected love for us is what constantly and consistently wooes us back to him. ONLY HIS LOVE CAN HANDLE OUR SIN. We, alone, cannot.

Which is why the Liar (John 8:44) tries to get us to isolate ourselves once we do something that proves, yet again, that we need a Savior and that there is only one. This is also why there are Scriptures like James 5:16 (“Confess your faults that ye may be healed”); Hebrews 4:16 (“Come boldly before the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and grace in time of need”); Psalm 147:3 (“He heals the brokenhearted and binds their wounds”); I John 1:9 (“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness) and as I often say, one of my all-time favorites, Philippians 4:6…”BE ANXIOUS FOR NOTHING.”

There’s a Scripture in Proverbs (12:25, to be exact) that says “Anxiety in the heart causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.” The minute that those of us who know better return to something that isn’t good (Proverbs 26:11), I believe that “anxious” (full of mental distress, uneasy, greatly worried, solicitous) is a dead-ringer word for how we tend to feel. And, because we feel so bad about what we did, rather than immediately go to prayer, as the Word prescribes for our ailment, we tend to internalize the issue (just as you said you haven’t told anyone), which causes anxiety in a space that the Word already says is deceitful: the heart (Jeremiah 17:9). Anxiety mixed with deception, yes, oftentimes leads to depression.

I once read that depression is (basically) nothing more than anger turned inward. When you’re mad at yourself, you tend to beat up on yourself, meaning you’ll tend to abuse (abnormally use) yourself because you basically believe that is what you deserve…because when you’re not talking to your Creator about the TRUTH of you, the Enemy comes in to tell you the LIES (John 10:10).

I’m not really sure if there’s a “clean cookie cutter” solution to the cycle of sin that we fall into. What you need and what I need may be different in some ways because the Lord says that he fashions our hearts individually (Psalm 33:15), which is another reason why we should go to him, first. Always. He knows you (and why you do what you do) better than anyone. Including you.

However, you’re better off than you think you are because you reached out. If I could sum all of this up in 20 words or less, I would say, “Get some accountability. Stay loving with yourself. Hold I Timothy 4:14-16 (AMP) close. Know that we’re just an email/blog away.”

Even after Peter denied Christ, he was used mightily. Let that be a “warm fuzzy” from the Father. Callings are irrevocable, so don’t fear so much about loving (or not being loved) because of something you’ve done. Simply purpose, each day, to simply learn how to love better…how to love well. Both the Father…and yourself.

Trust me. He’s a faithful teacher. Even in the midst of our unfaithfulness. He wouldn’t be God if he weren’t:

“If we are faithless, He remains faithful. He cannot deny Himself.”—2 Timothy 2:13 (NKJV)

Love to you,

SRW