In order to write a blog about sobriety, I had to come to terms with what I was addicted to. I don’t fit any classic patterns and I’m not a sex addict or pornography addict, though at different times in my life, I have shared some of those traits. I never got into drugs because I knew I had an addictive personality and would’ve been a goner. So what is my “drug” of choice?
I’d have to choose fantasy. I don’t just mean “fantasizing,” though there’s an element of that, too. I mean “imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained; the forming of mental images, especially wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing; a mental image, especially when unreal or fantastic; vision: a nightmare fantasy; an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream; a hallucination.” I guess you could say that I avoided reality whenever possible.
This has taken many forms in the past. Often, I was just delusional. I used to get into bad dating situations or relationships and then “make the best of them,” sacrificing myself in the process, vacillating between the wild extremes of Pollyanna and Eeyore. I bent over backwards to make something work that was clearly a train wreck! I hung out in Fantasyland.
I also used to be a chameleon, who would change to be whatever the guy I was dating wanted me to be (or whatever I thought he wanted). I would become interested in the things he was interested in and lose myself. Inevitably, I would be confronted with reality and things would dissolve, when he realized that I wasn’t the girl he thought I was, or when I realized I was a shadow of my former self. Often, the guys discovered that they were not interested in me as a real woman as much as they had been interested in their own fantasies of me. It’s such a sad story to tell because I had so much to offer as ME. I don’t know why I tried so hard to be someone else. I’m so glad that I know my value now and won’t compromise myself again.
Since I am healthy and no longer seeing things through the delusional kaleidoscope of fantasy, I know how to step back and wait for what’s right. When I am finally pursued by the right guy, I think I will know. I think it will probably look nothing like the imaginary relationships I’ve had in the past. I think it’s so amazing that the relationship that God has planned for me is more wonderful and beautiful than what I can imagine. As creative as I can be, I can’t hold a candle to the Creator of the Universe.
Now that I am “sober” and living in reality, I know that God’s way is the only way to do it, and I’m not going let any other man see me naked until our wedding night. I know how fast those clothes used to come off, and I know that pushing the boundaries is the fastest way to go too far. I used to attach my value to the kinds of guys that I could make out with. I never thought I was worth very much. I never believed that I was worth waiting for… Now, I know better. I know my value, and I know that it doesn’t depend on my body. My value also isn’t lessened because other guys have seen it. Jesus gives us a clean slate, if we ask Him.
Sobriety means that my body is a treasure to be saved. Sobriety is being honest about my feelings. It’s being emotionally healthy and whole: recognizing that I am complete in Christ. I wouldn’t have reached the place where I’m at, if I hadn’t had plenty of time to think and detox from past relationships.
People say that they’re looking for a fairytale. I’m not anymore. I want reality! I’m not afraid of conflict or vulnerability. I’m not afraid to be myself. And I finally know who “myself” is. That’s a happy ending that’s only the beginning of my real story!
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