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What Do I Do When I Prefer Porn to My Husband and He Doesn’t Know?

by David A. on November 16th, 2012 in Women

This is such a loaded question, that I thought long and hard before I started to craft a response. First, the question raises several questions in my head:
What is it about your husband that makes you prefer porn? Does he not pay you any attention? Did he himself go physically? Is he boring and predictable in your marital bed?

Regardless of anything, the question that you posed is rooted in lack:

1) Lack of fulfillment, sexual or otherwise

2) Lack of communication between you and your husband

3) Lack of respect for yourself and for your marriage

I want to make it clear that I don’t feel like I am in any position to judge you, because that’s not my job. My job, is to give you a different perspective. The Christian married couple does not have to be boring and predictable. This does not mean that the brass rings give you a license to go on a “sin binge”. It definitely does not mean that all of a sudden, you don’t have desires that need to be fulfilled on a consistent basis.

God is not against good sex. As a matter of fact, God made sex and designed it to be pleasurable for people under the covenant of marriage. If sex was something that we hated to do, or didn’t find it enjoyable, it would eventually lead to the extinction of the human race. So sex is clearly one of the most beautiful gifts God gives to a married couple (1 Corinthians 7:2 – 5). It is only when fornication and sexual perversion take place, that the gift becomes complicated.

In my old life, I used to watch porn for enjoyment. In hindsight the thing that I find the most ironic is that I would see these porn stars screaming in utter delight, “Oh God! Oh God!” Because there is no covenant of marriage, the act that God designed for loving husbands and wives, becomes something totally worldly (1 John 2:15-17).

Porn is a lot like fattening food. It’s not good for you at all. You KNOW it’s not good for you, but that doesn’t stop you from wanting it anyway, and in some cases, overindulging in it. There are some people who believe that moderation is key. As a person who has struggled with my weight all of my life, I will tell you that I didn’t see real results until I cut out all the “fat”.

The cold hard truth is, no matter how hard your husband tries, (if he’s even trying at all) he’ll never be able to compete or compare with the porn stars you’re watching on a continuous basis. Most of these people, are in peak physical condition. Because of the magic of video, they’ll never get fat, nor will they age. They don’t have a difference of opinion with you, nor are they worried about the bills, the job or any of the minute in mundane things with which your husband has to contend.

Satan is the ultimate divider, and more than anything, he wants to destroy your marriage (John 10:10). The fact that you prefer porn to your husband AND he doesn’t know about it absolutely reeks of deception. Not only do you feel some sexual frustration, but for some reason you feel like you can’t talk to your husband about it. How is that fair to him? How can he fix a problem that he doesn’t know exists?

I have three pieces of advice for you: First, get rid of the porn. It’s not solving your problem. It’s like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound. Second, sit down with your husband and discuss your issues with him. All of them. No matter how painful it is. Your husband deserves that. You deserve that. YOUR MARRIAGE DESERVES THAT! Finally, I strongly suggest that you and your husband get some counseling. Talk to your pastor, or licensed marriage therapist, so that you can begin to rebuild your marriage.

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  • Veeman

    Thanks David A Great message!

  • prov31dream

    I understand the 3 questions you brought up. I would only say to the person asking themself this question one extra thing. That is, when there has been previous abuse no matter how “insignificant” you think it is in your life now or no matter what the type of abuse was – please seek therapy. Formal therapy can uncover reasons you prefer a disconnected physical satisfaction over the raw vulnerable interactions with your spouse. As a woman who was abused and received counseling I can tell you that I didn’t know my “desire” and “sex” problems were at all linked to old wounds yet they were. The realigned self-reflection and the acceptance of things along with true forgiveness brought about a healing that I could then return to my marriage bed with a totally different mindset. Thus, a whole new bedroom alliance with my husband was formed as he too was setting purity boundaries and we still have a fun bedroom after 8 years on this journey.
    *I agree with the bandage quote above and also think the porn is the cause of the gapping wound if there is no previous abuse in your life and the marriage is the bandaid that we pretend keeps us together.

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