I am an artist and by nature we all live with a bit of insecurity. It has taken much growth and becoming comfortable in my skin to get to the point where I could accept the truth, no matter how ugly. My talent, looks, and weight have been sources of much uncertainty and self-doubt. I am my harshest critic, always have been. No one can tear me down like me. Oddly enough, the only thing that insecurity never stopped was my ambition. Regardless of how I felt when I looked in the mirror in the morning, there was always a drive to follow my passions and God-given gifts that has been unstoppable. It just made those hard earned successes really impossible to enjoy for long because there was always that voice inside that let me know I didn’t really deserve it. Lord only knows the blessings that I blocked by not believing that they were for me.
Looking back, I think the turning point for me was falling in love with my husband. You see, up until that point, I kept things pretty surface in all my relationships, in all things really. During my late teens and 20s, I found it best to give people the information I felt they needed to know. I was very guarded. When I wasn’t flat out lying to create a pretty picture, I was omitting. It was VERY exhausting. All the “fruits” of my life reflected this. My dating situations went nowhere, I resorted to extremely unhealthy ways of maintaining a “perfect” body, and my creativity was pretty stagnant.
When Bryan came into the picture, my life was in flux and I was in the process of deep self-evaluation and evolution. I was looking at myself in the mirror and actively trying to change the things I didn’t like. I was at my most vulnerable, something I hadn’t allowed myself to be. This was the first time that I had told the WHOLE truth and shown someone the real me. There was no filter, no spin on my story. Love me or leave me. In the midst of falling in love, I found myself. While it’s cute to say my husband’s love saved me, it was my self-acceptance that delivered me (sorry honey).
I know now that whether it was singing, writing, performing, weight, hair, body, or love, it all boiled down to me not believing that what I had to offer was worthy. My best wasn’t good enough. What has brought me through is the realization that sometimes, my best isn’t good enough. Sometimes there is someone or something better. This fact doesn’t make me any less valuable or worthy. My talents, beauty, faults, secrets, and scars aren’t for everyone. They’re mine and I accept and embrace them. Without them, I wouldn’t be me.
So what do I do when insecurity creeps up on me? I take a look at what is causing me to doubt myself. Am I not prepared enough? Am I not giving/doing my best? Am I involved in something I shouldn’t be, am I in line with what God has for me? If I am doing/giving my best, then I have to give it to God. I know it sounds simple but its true. If you have to lie, steal, cheat, and hurt yourself or others to keep something or someone, chances are that whatever it is, it’s not for you in the first place. Give and do your best, the rest is in God’s hands. THAT you can feel secure in…
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