Questions


Frequently Asked Questions.

Spouse Problems

How do I explain to my wife that not everything is a trigger? She thinks that if I am to get help we need to get rid of every outlet, which I know isn’t necessary. She doesn’t understand how some things are a trigger and won’t believe me when I say these things are and these things aren’t.

It sounds like you both could benefit from the workshop Through A Man’s Eyes.   Its more cost effective than counseling but that would be my next suggestion.   Wives tend to try to be controlling if they are fearful where this is concerned.  She cannot babysit or monitor you and your “triggers” because to do so only emasculates you.   I would even recommend that she consider joining an X3group for spouses where she can journey with a leader and other women in the same situation.

 

 

Women

My question isn’t directly about porn. but I have struggles with looking up sites and pages that display magazine models and (although not naked tho some of these places show both) namely urban models like video vixens and so on. I have a girl I’m pursuing and although I know I want to be with her it confuses me as to why I look up these pages. The women are beautiful and all but it’s only for lust after their beauty. I’m stuck because I love my girl very much and wouldn’t want her to feel as though she’s not pretty enough or look like these models I look up. I need help as to how to tell her and others I trust in the faith? I need help how to navigate through this. Please and thank you

I need help as to how to tell her and others I trust in the faith? I need help how to navigate through this.

 

First, good for you.  Good for you that you desire to be transparent and have accountability in your life and relationships.   I have a few recommendations for you.

Two books:

1. Through a Man’s Eyes by Craig Gross & Shaunti Feldhahn I think will help you both understand how men are wired better.   This is not to get a free pass on compromising your integrity with regards to the seeking out other women– it just helps to explain the draw better.

2. Open by Craig Gross.   This book really details how accountability relationships should work. What they are meant to be and what they are not meant to be.  Helpful discussions and tips on how to talk about the stuff that is uncomfortable.

Lastly– we have so many resources at XXXchurch.com but you may want to start in the Start Here section.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

Marriage to someone that was once involved with Porn

My question is what is your advice to someone that is looking to marry a guy that was once involved with Porn. He was not heavily involved but is something that he has dealt with. Also, would you suggest a certain type of premarital counseling or should they go through a certain course etc. Please give me any advice that you have.

This is a loaded question without a whole lot of background or content so I’m going to answer based on very limited info.

While he may not have been “heavily” involved in the making of porn, he was still involved so it is good to know up front that there is always the chance that others will come to know of including any future children.   That is not to scare you off in the least because I know of several people who previously worked in the industry who are happily married but from time to time still have to deal with consequences of the past.   It’s just something to be aware of and to discuss openly with one another.

Be certain that healing has taken place.   Why did this person enter into this industry and why did they leave and is their resolve to not only be involved but also not to continue to participate in viewing it solid?

Definitely go for premarital counseling and be open and honest with the counselor about this– not just for your fiancé but also for you.  There are emotions and thoughts you need to deal with, if it wasn’t so, you wouldn’t have written to us.  In addition to counseling I would recommend going through the Best Sex Life Now course with your fiancé either once you are married or now with the intention of using the information given for once you are married.  Sex is so much more than just a physical activity.  Understanding how to communicate in and out of the bedroom is only a positive!

Lastly- never forget that someone’s past doesn’t have to define their future.   None of us have lived perfectly.  Some of us have made choices that not only affect ourselves but others and can affect the future but if we understand forgiveness and redemption then we allow for the past to make us stronger as we walk through this thing called life.

Best wishes!

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