Frequently Asked Questions.
Because he has not been trustworthy in the past I went searching for porn. I found it.
As I was searching I ask myself, what will you do if/when you find it?
Well, I need help with that answer. I don’t know what to do.
He always finds a new place to hide it, so his interest had not stopped by me finding it and confronting him about it.
I now understand his obsession with a certain sex act, as that is what two of the three mags was about.
Where do I go from here?
I can only give you recommendations. It sounds like your husband is not ready to deal with his addiction or if he is then he is fooling himself by leaving things in place that will cause him to further stumble.
Have you been to any kind of counseling?
Does he say he wants to stop this behavior? That is the real question because if he says he does then there should be things in place that help him to achieve his goals. Real accountability and involvement in a support group or community of like minded men on a path of healing. Consider the Start Here section on our main site.
For you- the spouse there is a spouses section. We also have groups available to both the one struggling and for the one who loves them. www.X3groups.com
You are definitely not alone, the key is going to be finding a safe community to where you can grow in peace regardless of what your husband’s choices are.
In the past month I found out that my husband lied that he had overcome his porn addiction. We are newlyweds and he told me when we first started dating that it was no longer an issue for him, and I asked him countless times throughout our dating relationship and engagement regarding this. I eventually caught him, unfortunately. We are seeking counsel from a godly couple who went through this and the proper restrictions have been put on our devices.
So I was talking to a close friend, whose husband also struggles with porn, and she suggested that I ask my husband what fantasies he has, so that we can perform them and I would be the replacement of whatever we would watch. My gut feeling initially was that it is a bad idea. If the fantasies are degrading in anyway, I would not want to do them. But if they could be performed in a loving and/or playful way, is it bad? Could this be helpful for my husband as he tries to rewire his brain? Or would this do the exact opposite?
Respectfully, I disagree with your friend.
I am going to elaborate based on your declaration of being Christians. You’re never going to rewire your husband’s brain. His brain is already wired and can be transformed through the word of God not through acting out his sinful fantasies with his wife. You can do what you can to learn more about the natural wiring of men’s brains and how you can respond to that but I would not recommend role playing the fantasies that were a part of his addiction to pornography. I think you are opening both of you up to potential disaster and more heartache.
I do think you can spice up your own sex-life in a healthy way. And I would definitely recommend taking a look at strongermarriages.com – the blogs and the variety of workshops available there.
I think you’re already on the right track with this other couple that you’re seeking godly counsel from. Stay close to one another and keep short accounts with GOD.
How do I explain to my wife that not everything is a trigger? She thinks that if I am to get help we need to get rid of every outlet, which I know isn’t necessary. She doesn’t understand how some things are a trigger and won’t believe me when I say these things are and these things aren’t.
It sounds like you both could benefit from the workshop Through A Man’s Eyes. Its more cost effective than counseling but that would be my next suggestion. Wives tend to try to be controlling if they are fearful where this is concerned. She cannot babysit or monitor you and your “triggers” because to do so only emasculates you. I would even recommend that she consider joining an X3group for spouses where she can journey with a leader and other women in the same situation.