Frequently Asked Questions.
A year ago I learned that my husband had been addicted to porn for our entire 12 year marriage (and the 3 years we dated). His addiction began at the age of 12 and he was able to hide it from me. While he has been “porn free” for a year we still continue to have the same struggles regarding intimacy. While I am thankful that he is not longer watching porn, his ED in the bedroom has been a problem for us since our wedding night (we didn’t have sex until our wedding night because). Unfortunately, I never addressed it with him during our marriage because I was worried that I would shatter his self-esteem if he knew that I was unfulfilled. He possesses so many other good qualities that I made the mistake of not talking to him about this area of our lives together.
I’ve read and watched some of your brief videos and while I understand that intimacy between a wife and husband is important, what does the wife do when she can’t be intimate with her husband because of his ED. I have suggested my husband seek counsel because I feel the ED is emotional and a result of over 24 years of self gratification. However, he is unwilling to do so.
I constantly hear that sex is a way to increase a man’s self-esteem and draw husband and wife closer together. What about the wife who is not satisfied and is frustrated because her husband cannot maintain an erection for more than 30 seconds for the entire length of their marriage. I am so incredibly frustrated and just don’t know what to do and I can’t seem to find any resources that answer that question. Yes….Viagra is an option….but that is not the solution. Just looking for insight and maybe some answers. Thanks
Dear frustrated wife,
Anyone would be frustrated so don’t beat yourself up about that.
1. Intimacy is not sex. (Although sex IS important it is not the be all end all to intimacy). There are some people who for whatever reason are dysfunctional in this area so you want alternatives (within the marriage). I would also assume that even though your husband cannot maintain an erection there are other things besides traditional intercourse that you can do to satisfy you sexually even if it is not exactly what you would hope for.
2. Your husband’s refusal to seek help for this area of dysfunction is very selfish and I would suggest that you see a counselor with or without him to discuss if there are other ways to help him see the importance of this area of your marriage to you.
I’m not sure I’ve been much help but the truth is your situation is unfortunate and without your husband on board to seek out healing, it makes it quite difficult but I still don’t believe hopeless.
Ok, so I know in my heart of hearts that I have been delivered from porn. I had been struggling with it since I was a kid. I am currently doing X3Pure, and loving it, I might I add! Now I am married (5 years) and my wife and I have a great sex life. We have a collection of videos of our love making that we have done in the past. This is for our eyes only, of course! My question is; Is that porn? and is it bad for us to still make videos and watch them later? My wife’s concerned that it may open up the doors for me to want to watch porn again. I have not watched it since I started X3Pure because I wanted to know the answer first. Can you all help??
We believe it can be dangerous for many reasons.
First, you say it is just for your eyes only and so did everyone else who made that statement but somehow their movies were found by others, or worse stolen and sold.
Second, it can be a trigger that causes a desire for more that then leads you on a rabbit trail to other things–so we agree with your wife’s concern.
Lastly, what you and your wife do in your marriage bed is between the two of you and God- ultimately at the end of the day only you can really answer this question for yourself but since you asked us: We do not think it is wise.
I don’t know what to do anymore I have struggled with porn and sexual addiction to long and I have ruined my marriage. My wife has had enough and I have fully committed to getting over this but i don’t know if she wants to try and fix it. And now she is talking to other guys online and I tried talking to her last night about it and she has shut down and doesn’t want to listen to anything I say or try and understand what I’m going through. I don’t know what to do anymore is it to late for us?
If both spouses are committed to God and to their marriage vows then it is never too late.
If one or both spouses have hardened their heart toward the other then it takes a miracle—but those still exist too.
The best advice I can give you is to put all your words into action. If you’ve been double-minded in your own walk as well as in your marriage it is going to take some proving before your wife will really begin to see you are serious.
If you are serious about breaking free for the RIGHT reasons then you will continue to pursue this regardless of what your wife chooses at this point.
Keep pursuing freedom and keep pursuing your wife in love.