Questions

While none of us here on team claim to be bible scholars, we do embrace the biblical model of purity and that the bible is clear that sexual relations outside of marriage is fornication (and just plain not God’s best for us).  There are many scriptures that point to this throughout the old and new testament.   I did find an article written by Rich Deem years ago but it’s just as good of a read today as it was then if you really want to break down what the Bible has to say about premarital sex or even extramarital sex. I hope you find it helpful!

The doctrine of keeping sexual relationships within the bounds of marriage is so important that it is spelled out in the second chapter of the first book of the Bible (Genesis 2). The marriage covenant is spelled out in the original narrative that describes the meeting of the first man and first woman:  For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)

The Bible has a lot of bad things to say about being a harlot.⁵ In fact, it was so frowned upon in Jewish society that, among all the laws in the Old Testament, spiritual unfaithfulness (idolatry) is compared to harlotry.⁶ These days, people tend to think of harlots as those who engage in multiple sexual relationships. However, the Old Testament indicates that engaging in even one sexual relationship before marriage (i.e., not being a virgin) makes one a harlot.⁷ Engaging in consensual sexual relations with a married person was a capital offense, and those who were found guilty (both the male and female) were executed.⁸ Consensual sexual relations between an unmarried man and unmarried woman resulted in the man being fined and required to marry the woman without the possibility of any future divorce.⁹ Essentially, there was no premarital sex, since once you were caught you were married.The New Testament confirms the laws of the Old Testament. Specifically, adultery is condemned,¹⁰even including mental adultery,¹¹ incest,¹² and homosexuality.¹³ Other sexual sins, including premarital sex, are condemned through a couple Greek words (the original language of the New Testament) that can refer to a number of sexual sins, depending upon context. These words are porneia¹⁴ and pornos,¹⁵ from which the English word “pornography” is derived. English Bibles will translate these words different ways, so it is important to know some of the ways in which the words are translated. For example, the New American Standard translates the words as “fornication”¹⁶ (e.g., premarital sexual relations) and sometimes as “immoral persons,”¹⁷ which seems to be some kind of generic immorality, although it specifically refers to sexual immorality. Other English words used to describe premarital sex include “unchastity.”¹⁸ The fact that these words refer to premarital sexual relations can be seen in the Pharisees answer to Jesus, where they insinuated that He was born of fornication.¹⁶ The severity of this kind of sin can be seen in the descriptions of what will happen to people who practice sexual immorality at the judgment.¹⁷

The New Testament directly states that sexual activity is to be restricted to marriage in the book of Hebrews, where it condemns both adultery (engaging in sexual relations with a non-spouse while married) and fornication (engaging in sexual relations before marriage):

Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

Thank you for sharing so transparently and so honestly about your situation and your ongoing struggle with unhealed pain.

I think a really good place to start (besides God as you mentioned) would be counseling with your husband.   Your pastor should be able to do this with you or recommend someone to you.   There are also specific retreats that you can attend that deal with a lot of this.  Please visit our resources for spouses to check those out!   Secondly, for you exclusively— you may want to join one of our X3groups for spouses (wives).   I believe you are going to find some great healing in walking this out with other women who are on the same journey or have been on the same journey as you are.

You are not alone and there is not one ounce of pain you hold that God doesn’t want to rid you of.

I hope this helps.

First,  I want to say I am sorry.   As a wife who has experienced that same web,  I understand.

I would suggest you start here -> “I Just Found Out My Spouse Is Looking At Porn” <-    Then follow from there to all of the resources we have for the spouse.   There are book recommendations, other like ministries,  a spouses blog and so much more.

You are not alone although it often feels that way in a world where this is common yet in the church it isn’t supposed to be.   But ALL of us are sinners and fall short– some sin differently than others.    Hang in there and embrace and believe GOD.    He loves you AND He loves your husband.