Questions

I think forgiveness is a process.

You choose to forgive knowing that we are called to do so.     But I am one who believes that trust is to be earned and to be built.   If your dad has come clean and is repentant than over time the trust should be restored naturally.   However– that is not always the case.   Pornography is a huge trap.  Men and women are in bondage to something that is prevalent in our culture and all over main stream society— the things that can lure men in so easily is disheartening and I have found when I look at it through eyes of compassion– eyes that choose to see how hard this must truly be for our men then my heart softens from anger.

The other thing I want to mention is harder to grasp but I still think it is worth discussing.  Our parents are people we should be able to look up to.  They (hopefully) guide us and help shape us.   So inevitably when they fail– especially if it is a morality issue then our world is rocked.   Somehow we may have been viewing them as superhero or someone who should know better etc. and we forget that they too are human wearing flesh just like we are.

The one thing that continues to keep me humble is knowing who I am before God.  When I think of all that God has been willing to free me of and all that Jesus bore for me,  it makes it very hard to hold someone else in unforgiveness.    If you continue to struggle I would recommend making an appointment with your pastor to see if he can give you more insight.

In addition to the hundreds of blogs written by others who once struggled like you do,  there are interactive areas of the site where you can release some of what you are carrying around in an effort to dump the guilt and shame.  Check out the Confessions and the Letters area of the site.

In addition, here are some other recommended resources:

Groups:

Celebrate Recovery:  CR is free and is an international program with groups that meet in cities worldwide. CR is a program designed to help those struggling with hurts, hang-ups, and habits by showing them the loving power of Jesus Christ through the recovery process.

X3groups:   While there is a fee for X3groups it is minimal compared to other options out there and we would not be doing our job if we didn’t at least point you to this viable resource. X3groups is Accountability with real, live groups. Until now, we have always aimed to start accountability conversations and relationships, but we have never seen a model before that we could sustain without being there in person.  Groups are for those who are 18+

Workshops:

X3pure: If you are struggling with pornography or sexual addictions, the X3pure workshop is perfect for you. While it is not free, many have had their churches, or a loved one help them with the cost.  If you are a student with a .edu email address we can provide partial scholarships. Private, online, and effective, the X3pure program can help you end the downward spiral of shame and alienation.15 video lessons with companion workbook that contains 15 workbook lessons.

Counseling:

Christian Care Counselors:  Find a counselor in your area. The Christian Care Network (CCN), is a national referral network of state licensed, certified, and/or properly credentialed Christian counselors offering care that is distinctively Christian and clinically excellent.

Like-Ministries Free Resources:

Heart Support Community Join the online community of Heart Support where your story is unique but your struggle is not.

Setting Captives Free:  Setting Captives Free is a non-denominational ministry which teaches the biblical principles of freedom in Jesus Christ. Some free resources are available.

God Over Porn: God Over Porn seeks to reach those bound by sexual sin and pornography addiction, fostering a community of men and women that expresses love, grace, and hope to one another through online group support, bible studies, workshops, and the Isaiah 61 Project (Prison Ministry). God over porn offers free text messages of encouragement that you can opt into.

All that you experienced and struggled with is not uncommon.  Unfortunately though all of those things are more about you than your boyfriend. Don’t hear that wrong.   I am not saying what he is doing is right or acceptable.  I am also not saying that it is your fault or has anything to do with you.  It absolutely isn’t and doesn’t.  But what I am saying is that your outbursts in making his struggle about you speaks volumes to insecurity and someone only looking inward and making it about them instead of about the struggle of the person who was just truthful with on everything you asked.  I’m sure answering those questions were painful for him.  He chose to be honest.  That is commendable and a really good sign.

I do agree with your concern about discussing engagement and marriage if this is still an active struggle for him.  It does not go away in marriage and actually tears more marriages apart.  Steer clear of that until there is some fruit that remains in the area of freedom and purity from sexual sin.

I would say that as much as your boyfriend needs accountability,  so do you.   Accountability is a beautiful thing.  You need to be encouraged to really find your worth in God and how to separate your boyfriend’s struggle with your insecurities and or worth.