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Get insight, advice, and encouragement from our community of writers on the topics of porn addiction and sexual integrity.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Hello… I am a wife who is about 2.5 years into marital restoration with my husband. We had been in public ministry previously, and then everything came crashing down. I am wondering if your Spouses Blog accepts submissions, or if it is by invitation only. I am a writer (professionally), but in order to honor my husband’s time to heal, I have not written anything about what we have gone through. Yet… my heart is so full, and it would be wonderful to find a place where I could write about the heartache and triumph of our journey, for the benefit of others who are also in the process. My husband is in support of me beginning to get my voice back, we just want to use wisdom and discernment in knowing the right “venue,” so to speak. We believe in xxxchurch and the ministry here has meant so much to us personally. I look forward to hearing from you!
Hey Sarah,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site and, as life would have it, also a really busy Nashvillian. 😉
I handle the women’s side of things, but there is someone else who takes on the spouses section. While my side is currently full, Brian might be willing/interested in having you submit from time to time. Send him an email directly to [email protected]. We get *a lot of emails* and so my only suggestion would be to put “Interesting in writing for the spouse blog” in your subject heading.
We’ll be praying for you in the meantime,
SRW
I’m in a serious relationship with a wonderful Christian man. It’s the first time I’ve ever talked marriage with anyone. At this point, it’s an inevitable; we are long distance but he is moving to live near me very soon, and engagement will follow.
I have no reservations about marrying him, but I am struggling a lot with his sexual past. Before I met him, I had never even kissed a guy, but he had a serious relationship about eight years ago that was sexual. He feels so remorseful and has apologized to me over and over. He has no contact with this girl and there is no chance she will ever become part of his life again. But because of my lack of experience, I am really afraid of having sex with him. I always thought (naively, I now realize) that sex would be a challenge during early marriage, but that my husband and I would figure it out together. Now I feel like I’m the only one with any figuring out to do. Compounding this issues is the porn addiction he has struggled with. He has been free of it for some time, but still occasionally slips up.
I feel like between his sexual experience and the porn he has seen, he has expectations for what sex will be like that I can’t meet. He assures me that’s not the case, and I know he has spent hours in prayer asking God to cleanse his mind so that he can start over with me. But I’m still afraid. Is there hope for us?
Hey Michelle,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site. Thanks for reaching out to us.
As I was reading your email, one of the main things that came to my mind was this is the reason why in God’s perfect plan, a man and a woman were to not engage in sex before marriage. Both were to be virgins and so there would be no reason to feel like there were “comparisons” that needed to be made. They could truly be “naked and not ashamed”. (Genesis 2:24-25)
Of course, we do not live in a perfect world and a lot of us did not follow God’s ideal to be virgins until we became one with our covenant partners. And while your concerns are valid and understandable, one of the things that I want to encourage you to keep in mind is that while one of the BENEFITS of sex is physical pleasure, its PURPOSE is to become one with your beloved. It’s not about how many “tricks” you have up your sleeve. It’s simply about presenting yourself—mind, body and spirit—to the man who has vowed to you and to God (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7, Matthew 19:6) that he will care for you the rest of your days.
Plus, something that you said in the beginning of your email is that your boyfriend is a Christian man. The Word tells us that any man in Christ is a NEW CREATION and that OLD THINGS HAVE PASSED AWAY (2 Corinthians 5:17). If it is God’s will that he actually propose to you and the two of you get married, you will be his helpmate (Genesis 2:18); a person that he can trust for support to remain sexually healthy.
And yes, while some memories may remain, as someone who does marriage counseling, I know for a fact that many Christian couples, couples who were not virgins before marriage, can vouch for the fact that single sex has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on married sex. You know why? Because God did not declare that fornication and adultery was undefiled. He said that THE MARRIAGE BED (Hebrews 13:4) is. Even with all that your boyfriend may “know about” or has been exposed to, one thing that he hasn’t experienced is sex with God’s sanction and blessing upon it. In that way, he IS a virgin. No, not a physical one, but sex the way God intended will be new to him just like it will be new to you. You can embark on that journey TOGETHER.
You are a precious jewel and your virginity is beyond priceless. It beats any kind of “experience” a woman who has had sex may have. In preparation for having sex God’s way, one book that you might want to read is Sacred Sex by Tim Alan Gardner. It definitely opened my eyes to a lot of things.
We’ll be praying for you and your boyfriend.
Stay open to God’s best and stop comparing yourself.
You are individually (Psalm 33:15) made…for someone special. Just as you are.
SRW
Hi! I am completely new to this whole talking about my sexual sin thing, so please forgive me if I leave out details; I’m use to telling people what I want them to know. I first watched porn when I was 10 years old, but was intrigued by it far before then. I started watching it/masturbating regularly in 7th grade and instantly felt shame. I knew it was culturally unacceptable for a girl to be watching porn like I was, and I was more ashamed of the types of porn that I watched. I knew I was straight but my fantasies told me otherwise. I was never confused until I started looking at porn. For a long time I was fooled into thinking masturbation was normal and healthy, so that’s how I justified it. It wasn’t until about a year and a half ago I was suddenly struck with this overwhelming conviction and I knew it was wrong/that I was addicted/that I had to stop. All I could think about were the images that I could never erase, and I still do. I’m certain it’s the cause of my, what i believe to be, HOCD (homosexual OCD). I told myself I would never let a single soul know about my problem and that eventually, when I got a boyfriend/married, it would stop. I’ve repented of my sin and God has renewed my crushed spirit (praise the Lord) but I’m still so caught up with confessing it to someone. I have tried to stop doing it by my own power and have failed. Do you think it’s important that I confess it to someone? the only person I have to confess it to is my sister, who is really my only Christian role model. I know she would be understanding, but something about someone else knowing; it’s terrifying. I also now have been dating someone, my first boyfriend, for 5 months. We abstain from all physical contact (besides hugging), which is actually a huge challenge for me. Even hugging kind of leads me into unwanted thoughts. I believe he also struggles with sexual sin but has never told me outright. Do you think it’s wise that I confide in him with my confession of sexual sin? I truly believe God is pushing me to tell about my experiences, but I am extremely iffy about whether it would be beneficial for my boyfriend or I to know about the sexual sin I deal with. Thank you so much, and if you could keep me in your prayers that would be awesome.
Hey Morgan,
My name is Shellie R. Warren and I’m the women’s blog editor for the site. Thanks for reaching out to us.
OK, first let me say that I appreciate you taking the time out to be so candid. When you asked about is it important to confess, the Bible tells us that it’s extremely vital that we do so in James 5:16(NCV): “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen.” I believe that it’s because of assurances like these that so many of us are tempted (I Corinthians 10:13) to not tell others about what we are going through. Satan knows that God is his Word (John 1:1) and that God cannot lie (Titus 1:2). There are many breakthroughs and a lot of healing that come from not just telling someone about our struggles but feeling the support, love and prayers that oftentimes come as a direct result when we do.
Now that said, I do encourage you to find a *safe person* to confide in. One of my favorite books is Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend because it helps people to see who has their best interest at heart. If you believe that your sister will be supportive, compassionate and solutions-oriented when it comes to finding ways to help you get stronger, then she is a great person to talk to.
As it relates to your boyfriend, I oftentimes think that people are so focused on the “boy” part that they miss the FRIEND part. By that I mean, if you two have a strong friendship (and from what you have shared, it seems like you both are trying to live a sexually pure life and that’s great!), it’s something to consider, for sure. The main thing that I would encourage you to ask yourself is “Why am I telling my boyfriend?” Is it because it will help you two to remain sexually pure and focused on that goal? Is it because you want him to see another side of you? Is it because you feel like you are withholding a big piece of who you are by not sharing it? Asking yourself those questions and then seeking the honest answers will help you to come to the right resolve. What will be best for you.
In the meantime, know that you are definitely in our prayers and we’re rooting for you. Keep us posted and consider yourself “a little more healed” by making the confession to us (look at how that worked out!).
SRW
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