Questions

Hey Emily,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site.

I apprecite you takign the time to send this to me/us and honestly, one thing that makes you pretty exceptional is that you have a lot of the things in place that you need to conquer your stronghold. As I oftentimes tell people, “we don’t get into things overnight and so we don’t tend to get out of them overnight either”. It takes time and when Philippians 4:6-7 tells us that we should be anxious for nothing, this would include full deliverance. No wonder the Word tells us that sufficient for *each day* is it’s own trouble (Matthew 6:34). All we have to do is concern ourselves with today. We can do tomorrow…tomorrow.

As a 38-year-old who has not had sex in six years and also battled with masturbation (and also sexual abuse), I realize that one of the main reasons why it continues to be such an issue for so many who feel convicted about it but can still not turn away from it is due to the fact that we don’t always get the information that we need about *why* something is not God’s best for us.

For that reason, I have enclosed a link to a blog that I do for single women who desire marital covenant. I penned it last fall on some of the “undiscussed reasons” why masturbation is not the ideal:

http://onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com/2012/10/on-fire-deeper-look-into-masturbation.html

I’ll be honest, I wrote it and it still presents some “ah ha moments” even for me. 😉

I just looked up the meaning of your name. I get that a part of your “wrestling” is due to the meaning of it: A very special “Happy Valentine’s Day!” to all my fellow single ladies (and unhappily marrieds, which is even worse, I know!) reading this, God only knows what gamut of emotions this time of year may evoke in us. Loneliness? Bitterness? Feeling sorry for oneself? Or is that just me?

Question: Does anyone else reach out for their dose of schmaltz in the form of a chick flick or romance novel…(I have to give a shout-out for my favorites here: The Notebook, The Vow, Where The Heart Is, Gone With The Wind)…only to be left feeling puffy-eyed and maybe a little bit worse?

If so, I’m not that person who is going to get down on you for putting yourself through what others might call “needless torture”. I have those peppy girlfriends myself (*eh-hem*…mostly in actual relationships) who declare that they don’t watch chick flicks and question my sanity for watching them and I trust that you do too.

No, in spite of the tears (which can cleanse the soul!), I like to be reminded that there is true love out there happening. The tricky part is not letting it drag you down. You see, there is a very subtle lie in these movies that whispers that that over-the-top kind love is not happening to you and if you buy into that, it can leave you feeling depressed. “But it’s not happening to me,” you may say. Au contraire!

The overall message of these movies is love. And what is love, really? Well, “…God is love.” (1 John 4:8) and if God is love then we really cannot view love without seeing God too. We all have heard of or seen the widely popular movie Twilight, yes? One thing that I heard so many women swoon over was the fact that the main character, the vampire Edward, never slept but spent his nights watching over his beloved Bella. Ladies, where do you think that idea came from? God does this very thing for you every night with a greater intensity of love than a vampire could ever feel! Ryan Gosling’s character Noah’s faithfulness to his love in The Notebook, writing her letters everyday in spite of never getting a response? Well, let’s just say that God’s faithfulness in reaching out to you doesn’t stop after a year. And if you haven’t seen The Vow yet, Rachael McAdam’s character wakes from a coma and doesn’t recognize Channing Tatum when he tells her he’s her husband!! Hello!! Can a lady get anymore brain damaged than that?! Unfortunately we, everyday, fall guilty to that kind of disabledness when God calls us His bride and we fail to recognize Him!

So, the next time you watch your favorite chick flick, I challenge you to look for the love between the main characters and then recognize and think on how God’s love for you tops even that. And not to exclude my fellow readers, for a great romance novel, pick up ‘Captivating’ by John and Stasi Eldredge. It will make God’s love for you seem less like words on a page and more real and romantic than any love you have ever known.

May this Valentine’s Day bring real love (which is God) into your lives and your hearts in a bigger way than ever before! May your tears of sorrow, loneliness or even joy, wash your eyes and give you a clearer vision of the love that is so real and present in your life right now.

To Strive Or Excel Or Rival

Just remember to be gentle with yourself. After all, it is the gentleness of God that makes us truly great (Psalm 18:35).

We’ll be praying for you,

SRW

Hey Maggie,

My name is Shellie R. Warren and I am the women’s blog editor for the site. I appreciate you making the time to email us. I’m pretty sure that there are others who need to read this as well.

The first thing that came to my mind when I read this was an interview that I did a few years back. You can check it out here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpY0H1ZjU2I

As someone who does premarital counseling as well, my running statement with a lot of singles (because until you are married, you are indeed *single*) is that what married women go through is for the sake of commitment while what a lot of single gals send themselves through is actually called settling.

Walking down an aisle does not a pure man or woman make. A wedding ceremony is simply a public declaration of your commitment to God and your intention towards another person. However, if a habit is there before marriage, the habit will be awaiting you afterwards.

Therefore, to answer your question, yes, you are seeing a flag of caution and yes, it is OK to ask (not accuse or nag, but ask) your boyfriend about it. After all, what the two of you should be more than anything else is *friends* and friends are honest with one another.

I will say this: I commend your boyfriend for saying that he would rather not marry you than to bring porn into the marriage. That speaks to having a level of integrity (good for him!). However, I will also say that trying to pressure anyone, especially a man, into “getting clean” is more times than not, extremely counterproductive. He has to “sober up” for himself not so that he can marry you. One of the main reasons why is because porn is rooted in lust (I John 2:16) and if he doesn’t get a grip on that issue beforehand, having you in his bed every night is not going to be a “cure”…in some ways, it could add to the problem. You deserve a man to have sex *with you* in marriage not *at you*. This is a part of what it means when the Word tells us that the marriage bed is pure (Hebrews 13:4).

RIght now, if his issue is so strong on your spirit that it has you unsettled, I honestly would recommend that you take the topic of marriage off of the table; not saying that it can’t be revisited, but for now, love him (love is patient and roots for truth to win out-I Corinthians 13), be friends and let him come to his own conclusions on how/when/why healing is essential.

Oh, and if you are a reader, you might want to pick up the book I Surrender All: Rebuilding a Marriage Broken by Pornography by Mark A. Tabb and Clay Crosse. Sometimes, it’s good to see what the future *could hold* if you choose to marry someone in the struggle.

The good news: you’re a girlfriend dealing with this and not a wife. For now, you are still your top priority. And yes, that is a blessing.

Keep us posted and you will remain in our prayers,

SRW